Boys on the Side Page #5

ROBIN:

She's...

HOLLY:

Hey! You made it!

ABE:

There she is.

HOLLY:

I was afraid some crime would keep you away.

ABE:

No, it couldn't. It happens to be a slow night.

Fridays...and when Friday's the first and when they

get their checks, we have to be ready...

JANE:

It's time to go. Good night everyone, we're going to

clean up. Excuse me, nice to meet you Mr. Lincoln.

ABE:

No, please. Call me Abe.

JANE:

Abe? As in Abe Lincoln? What is this, some kind of

joke?

HOLLY:

No, it's his name. Isn't that a coincidence? Just

like the president. I mean, like, I wonder why his

parents thought that Abraham and Lincoln sounded good

together.

ABE:

Now, let me guess. You must be Robin. Nice to meet

you Robin. And this is Jane.

JANE:

Oh.

ABE:

Hi, Jane. Happy birthday.

JANE:

Oh, thank you. Peppers.

ABE:

Yes, they're from my garden.

HOLLY:

Oh, isn't he sweet?

ABE:

Now, now, Babe. Not while I'm still in uniform.

HOLLY:

Isn't that cute? He takes it so serious.

JANE:

Aw...

HOLLY:

Come on, Honey. Let's go get a drink.

JANE:

Is it me, or is she workin' her way down some weird

list of guys who call women Babe?

ROBIN:

I hope she keeps her mouth shut.

JANE:

Right!

SCENE 50

ROBIN:

Where are you and Anna going again?

JANE:

Oh, she's taking me to see some damn psychic.

ROBIN:

Oh.

JANE:

Here's your ride.

ALEX:

Robin. Uh, do you need a ride home?

ROBIN:

Oh, I have a car.

JANE:

Oh no, didn't I tell you? Holly came up to me and

sighed and said that she needed the car.

ROBIN:

Oh.

ALEX:

It's on my way.

JANE:

Yeah.

ROBIN:

Thanks.

JANE:

Oh, could you take these for me? Thanks.

ANNA:

Jane! (Speaks Spanish) I don't want to be late for

this woman. She scares the sh*t out of me.

JANE:

Okay. Let's go.

ANNA:

She is really good. You have to prepared when you get

there.

SCENE 51

PSYCHIC:

Here we go. There's a long trip here. Traveling.

This is nice, you're in love. This is very nice.

And...oh...oh...

JANE:

What?

PSYCHIC:

This is a friend. I feel...this is not good at all.

There's a sickness here...There's a curse...Yes? Yes.

This is a curse. I can feel it.

ANNA:

Can you do anything to remove the curse?

JANE:

Anna!

ANNA:

No, she can do that! Last year I...

JANE:

Anna, sit down.

PSYCHIC:

Let me talk to my guides.

JANE:

You're gonna talk to these rocks? Are you talking to

these rocks and they're gonna say something to you?

PSYCHIC:

I'd cross your legs here.

SCENE 52

ROBIN:

You want some?

JANE:

Oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks.

ROBIN:

How was the psychic?

JANE:

Don't ask. How was Alex? Did he leave fingerprints

all over you?

ROBIN:

What is it with me and bartenders?

JANE:

I don't know.

ROBIN:

He's coming with us Saturday night. To the street

fair.

JANE:

Well, good. There's safety in numbers. Just don't

let him get you by yourself....I cannot believe he's a

cop.

ROBIN:

He's cute though, huh?

JANE:

Yeah, for a cop.

ROBIN:

He does have a nice heiny.

JANE:

Heiny? What is he, two years old? He has a nice

heiny?

ROBIN:

Don't laugh!

JANE:

And don't think that I didn't see you checkin' out

that man's basket.

ROBIN:

Eew!

JANE:

Eew! What do you call it?

ROBIN:

I don't call it anything. I just wasn't brought up to

talk about a person's anatomy.

JANE:

That's probably because you don't have a word for it.

ROBIN:

That's just ridiculous. I do, too. It just doesn't

often come up.

JANE:

Okay. What is this, below the belly button?

ROBIN:

I'm not going to say "p*ssy" if that's what you're

after, okay, I hate that.

JANE:

Okay. So, what do you call it?

ROBIN:

Down there.

JANE:

Oh, come on! "Down there!"

ROBIN:

Well, "vagina" seems so formal.

JANE:

But you make it sound like a basement!

ROBIN:

Okay. Honestly?

JANE:

Yeah.

ROBIN:

Fine. "Hoo-hoo" or "cissy."

JANE:

You're kidding, right? A "hoo-hoo" or a "cissy," what

is that?

ROBIN:

Well that's what my mother called it. I had a hoo-hoo

or a cissy and my brother had a "noodle" or a

"dingle."

JANE:

And that's what you still call it?

ROBIN:

Well, it's better than "p*ssy." Or "beaver." What's

that about? I never got that. Or worse...

JANE:

Worse? Did you say worse? Now, what could be worse?

I have to hear you say it.

ROBIN:

Well, you know. I'm not going to say it.

JANE:

Oh, come on! "C-U-N-T." Come on, please?

ROBIN:

I don't think so.

JANE:

Please? It'll free you. Try it!

ROBIN:

There's a policeman within the sound of my voice.

JANE:

Give him a thrill.

ROBIN:

I don't think so.

JANE:

I'm gonna wet you.

ROBIN:

No! You're such a baby!

JANE:

Okay. Come on.

ROBIN:

All right. "C*nt."

JANE:

What? What was that?

ROBIN:

I said it!

JANE:

No, you breathed it! I want to hear you say it.

ROBIN:

All right! All right. All right. "C-U-N-T, c*nt."

JANE:

Yeah?

ROBIN:

"C*nt." "C*nt." "C*NT!"

JANE:

Free! You've got a dirty mouth.

ROBIN:

You were right. I feel...I don't know, different.

JANE:

That's because you're free Miss Scarlett! You're

free! C'mon, let's go get everybody and tell them!

ROBIN:

That can't be good for the baby.

JANE:

Oh, well, you know. They'll probably take a break in

the delivery room....Do you miss it?

ROBIN:

What?

JANE:

Sex.

ROBIN:

Yeah, I do....You know what's weird? You never know

the last time you sleep with somebody it's the last

time. You're thinking: "Oh, we got problems, we got

work to do," you know, but you never think...and then

you break up and a month later you look back and you

go:
"Oh, that was it." That Tuesday or Friday or

whenever, and you wished you paid attention because it

was the last time....Well.

JANE:

Listen, thanks for my birthday present. Because a

girl can never have too many (?).

ROBIN:

I know. I'm sorry.

JANE:

No. No. I love it.

ROBIN:

Well, happy birthday.

JANE:

Thank you.

ROBIN:

You're mail is in the living room. Good night, I

drank too much.

JANE:

Good night.

SCENE 53Jane plays her new piano and sings a

Carpenters song.

SCENE 54

JANE:

So what's the deal? Do you like her or what?

ALEX:

Yeah, I do. I've been trying. But you know, she's

got that "back off" thing goin' on so I just assumed

that she was one of the girls.

JANE:

No. She's not that. She's definitely not one of the

girls.

ALEX:

No kidding?

JANE:

No kidding. Just shy, you know.

ALEX:

Yeah?

JANE:

Yeah. So, I hear you're goin' with us on Saturday?

ALEX:

I am now.

JANE:

We should have a little talk.

ALEX:

Come on, I'll give you a beer. Come on.

SCENE 55

ABE:

Ready?

HOLLY:

Okay.

ABE:

All right. One...two...three...There you go. Higher!

Higher!

SCENE 56

ALEX:

You want a drink?

SCENE 57

JANE:

Hey.

ANNA:

You okay?

JANE:

Mm hm. Just tired.

ANNA:

She's having a good time.

JANE:

Yeah.

ANNA:

That's good, no? That's what you wanted.

JANE:

Yeah.

SCENE 58

ABE:

Holly? Hey Babe. Is something the matter?

HOLLY:

No.

ABE:

It smells like marijuana out here.

HOLLY:

Clove cigarettes.

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