Boys on the Side Page #4

SCENE 34

ROBIN:

We never saw the newspaper. She hit him in self-

defense. She split. She's never gonna see him again.

I'll call my lawyer in New York. He'll tell us what

to do. If we have to go back, we'll say we came as

soon as we found out.

JANE:

That's fine with me. I suggest we keep driving. We

sleep in shifts. The farther away from that body I

get, the happier I'll be.

SCENE 35

HOLLY:

She wrote, "The Ballad of the Lonely Masturbater,"

here, try this it's really good... "The Celebration of

my Uterus," and...

ROBIN:

Oh, no no, Holly. Stop the car! Stop it!

HOLLY:

Oh fine! I'll go get it. All right!

SCENE 36

HOLLY:

See, Nick had this house with this drummer that Jane

knew. And we'd all hang out together. But then Nick

pissed some people off and we had to move to

Pittsburgh...Can I have a bite of that? Yeah,

well...it's been a long couple of days.

ROBIN:

Tell me about it.

HOLLY:

Jane's been so great to me. I mean, at first she just

liked me because of the whole "gay thing."

ROBIN:

Jane's gay?

HOLLY:

Like, hello! You didn't know?

ROBIN:

I don't know, I just...Don't look! It's okay. It's

okay.

HOLLY:

Anyway, she just got dumped so you know, rebound time.

ROBIN:

Oh.

HOLLY:

I know, eew gross. But don't worry. She won't try

anything, especially not after me. I told her that is

was a real self-hating thing to get crushes on

straight girls.

ROBIN:

But this person that dumped her, she's gay, right?

HOLLY:

Yeah, but I mean even with gay girls, there are no

guarantees. They're very emotional. That's about all

I know. They love uniforms, and don't break their

hearts.

ROBIN:

Uniforms?

HOLLY:

Oh yeah, all kinds. Especially U.P.S.

WAITRESS:

Will that be all?

ROBIN:

Yeah.

WAITRESS:

I'll get the check.

ROBIN:

Thanks.

HOLLY:

Not that I'm an expert. I mean, she's the only one

I've seen, except for the ones in the porno tapes Nick

used to rent...I'm sorry. It's just every time I

think of his little ways...

SCENE 37Jane, Robin and Holly are driving,

listening to music and singing.

SCENE 38

ROBIN:

Try to look a little more western. That's good.

JANE:

Take the picture!

ROBIN:

You sort of need to something.

JANE:

Here.

ROBIN:

That's cute. (Robin has a childhood memory)

SCENE 39

JANE:

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Who you calling? Who you

calling?

HOLLY:

I was calling a friend.

JANE:

Uh uh, no, you can't call that friend, he's dead. And

you're not supposed to know he's dead.

HOLLY:

But...I want my friend. I want Nick!

SCENE 40

JANE:

Hey, will you come talk to Holly, please.

ROBIN:

Don't come in!

JANE:

What's the matter?

SCENE 41

DOCTOR:

Ms. DeLuca?

JANE:

Yes.

DOCTOR:

Susan Newbauer. She asked me to talk to you. It's

pneumonia. We'll have to keep her here for a couple

of days.

JANE:

Can we see her?

DOCTOR:

Tomorrow, after eleven. Just go on up to the eighth

floor. It's typical in this kind of AIDS-related

pneumonia.

JANE:

AIDS? You tellin' me she's got AIDS?

DOCTOR:

Yes. I'm sorry, I thought you knew.

JANE:

No, I didn't.

DOCTOR:

She's okay. She'll be out in less than a week.

SCENE 42

JANE:

How ya doin'?

ROBIN:

Okay. I'm sorry.

JANE:

For what? It's not like you knew this was going to

happen.

ROBIN:

I thought...if I could just go somewhere else...I

could make it...not happen. I shouldn't have lied to

you.

JANE:

It wasn't a lie, exactly. It was more like a sinful

omission. Can I sit down?

ROBIN:

Sure.

JANE:

So I guess now we're even.

ROBIN:

How so?

JANE:

Well, Holly told me that you didn't know I was gay. I

don't want you to worry because...You know, I'm not

after you.

ROBIN:

I'm not worried....Why?

JANE:

Luck of the draw, I guess.

ROBIN:

No, I mean, why aren't you after me?

JANE:

'Cause you're not my type.

ROBIN:

Oh....Gee....Is this a black-white thing?

JANE:

It's more like, uh, blondes-Carpenter thing....You're

safe with me. Um, is there somebody I should call or

something, like family?

ROBIN:

Oh...my mother? We don't communicate much. I mean,

we're...What about you? You've got to get to L.A.

Would you get me some more ice?

JANE:

Sure.

ROBIN:

AHH!

JANE:

What is it? Wait! Wait! Wait! WAIT! What is it?

Are you in pain?

ROBIN:

No.

JANE:

What is it?

ROBIN:

I don't know where to go. I don't have any place to

go...I don't know...anyplace...

JANE:

Okay. Okay. Okay. Sometimes, if you don't have any

place to go, it's probably a good idea to stay where

you are. Okay? All right, here, um...put your arm

around me...Jesus, your weight....This might be the

wrong time to bring this up, but...where the f*** are

we? I mean, really. Where are we?

ROBIN:

Tucson.

JANE:

As in Arizona? Are you serious? Hey, you know what

this means? I'm gonna have to go out and get some

cowboy boots....What about a horse?

SCENE 43Tucson. Three months later.

HOLLY:

Okay, good. No, I'm just gonna go straight from work.

Yeah. Yeah! Okay.

ROBIN:

I'm leaving now, Holly. So if you're coming, get off

the phone.

HOLLY:

I'm coming. Okay, I've got to go. Yeah, bye.

ROBIN:

Will still have to pick up the cake.

HOLLY:

Do you think she's gonna be surprised?

ROBIN:

That's the idea. Hurry up!

HOLLY:

Okay!

SCENE 44

ROBIN:

So I'll pick up the cake myself 'cause I have to drop

by the hospital for a blood test.

HOLLY:

Okay, but I told Abe to meet us there around ten...

ROBIN:

What? Are you okay.

HOLLY:

Kicking all morning long! Anyway, I told him to meet

us there at ten. I really think that you're gonna

like him.

ROBIN:

Listen. I like any man that dates a pregnant woman.

I wonder about him, but I like him.

SCENE 45

ANNA:

Two hands. In this bar we wash the glasses with two

hands. That's the difference between clean an

absolutely f***ing disgusting.

ALEX:

Watch your language, your bambinos are coming.

KIDS:

Mom! Hi Mom!

ANNA:

Get in the kitchen and stay there. She sees you two

and the cat is out of the bag.

ALEX:

Oh God. Is there no mercy? I can't believe it. A

body like that on a 12-year old.

SCENE 46

ANNA:

That's enough candles.

BOY:

Oh come on. We all know she's not twelve.

GIRL:

It's not polite.

HOLLY:

Oh sorry, am I late? Great.

ALEX:

Hey, ready?

SCENE 47Everyone sings "Happy Birthday" to Jane in

Spanish.

SCENE 48

ROBIN:

Can I have a light?

JANE:

Give me that thing! You're such a slut.

SCENE 49

ALEX:

I don't know. It's like gay people are the only

people getting laid anymore.

JANE:

Maybe you oughtta try it.

ALEX:

I like being straight. And I think heterosexuality is

making a comeback.

JANE:

Not if you have anything to do with it. Go dance.

ALEX:

Excuse me....Say, Robin?

ROBIN:

Yeah?

ALEX:

Would you like to dance?

ROBIN:

Yeah....Oh, Jesus.

ALEX:

My dream evening. Lesbians and cops. What's next,

Republicans?

ROBIN:

(Whispers to Jane): Cop. Cop. Cop.

ABE:

Evening, ladies. Sir. I'm looking for a Holly

Pulchik.

ROBIN:

Uh...

JANE:

Who?

ABE:

Holly Pulchik. Blonde hair, green eyes, about five-

four.

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