Branded Page #2

which sometimes works with

other organizations

that shall remain nameless.

Listen, you guys are starting up

a democracy over here.

But democracy isn't just about

switching governments,

it's about... it's about business.

It's about advertising.

It's about Coke versus Pepsi.

Now, we will start

a serious advertising agency,

and we will make a lot of money.

The client list is going to be

the new political candidates,

the business elite,

movie producers,

and all you have to do...

is keep your eyes and ears

trained on them and report.

Report what?

Whatever you see.

Whatever you hear.

That's it.

- Poor bastard.

- That's my investor.

Yeah.

You're going to be needing

a new investor.

Picture it, Misha.

Your new job is just...

spreading the principles

of freedom and democracy.

And so began Misha's career

as a marketer-spy.

Over the next 15 years,

he designed the first Russian campaigns

for a host of western brands,

like the now-famous slogan for The Burger:

"The Taste of Freedom"

and he furnished Bob

with reports on his clients.

And because of you

and your incredible work...

this big beautiful country is now

almost a democracy.

Okay, so look, Abby.

Why aren't you just producing

this reality show yourself?

Why do you think?

'Cause I don't have the money!

ow much does it cost?

Like $750,000.

What's with your air conditioning

system, anyway?

This is like a brand-new car!

What's she doing?

What are you doing?

Same as everybody else.

This suit is murder.

You mind looking out the window?

But then that girl will think I'm staring at her.

Doesn't matter, you Russian men

are all supposed to be pigs, anyway.

But the way the Russian women

go around here,

like prima ballerinas in skin-tight clothing,

honest, regular American girl

doesn't stand a chance.

There, all done.

What would you say

to doing the show with me?

We are called xtreme Cosmetics.

And this is a real story about a real girl.

Well, she's what you call overweight,

but she's unusually charming.

And that's where the miracle happens.

This fat cow gets transformed

into a beautiful fawn,

and she becomes a national superstar.

And for that,

we need nationwide casting search.

I think the real problem isn't the casting,

it's finding the director.

Yes, and the best one is Schwartz,

Roman Schwartz.

Astra Productions.

So what you're saying is

that Schwartz is your guy?

That's what I'm telling you.

Will you excuse me for a second?

Mechislava,

please allow me to introduce

the lead director in our new company,

my friend Roman Schwartz.

- How do you do?

- Nice to meet you.

Take a look.

ere is the world's first marketing.

What are you talking about?

I mean it was Lenin

who invented marketing in 1918.

e found an absolutely unique way

to sell people the idea

of Soviet communism.

The factories to the workers,

land to the peasants,

peace to the soldiers.

e made the product promise one thing:

appiness.

And that's marketing.

Lenin hired just simply the best designers

and copywriters.

Rodchenko...

No, that's not Rodchenko.

But, here, Mayakovsky.

The brand's official color: Red.

The logo:
The five-pointed star.

Once they'd established the super brand,

they designed campaigns

for all the product lines to carry.

So, chocolates for Red October,

perfumes, Red Moscow...

And the GB?

The GB came later,

like a sort of brand police.

See, it's the dream of every brand

to make the competition's products illegal.

That's exactly what they did.

Tragically, they had really shitty

production, so...

the product failed to live up to its promise,

and consumers fell out of love

with the Soviet Union.

"Dear Mr. Mayakovsky,"

"it would be our pleasure to invite you

to the United States..."

"to share with us your fascinating new ideas

about advertising."

This is from the president

of General lectric.

A lot of Lenin's guys

lectured for American companies.

And, as you can see,

the Americans studied well.

This is all very interesting, Misha,

but you still haven't answered

my question.

Why is it you're not married?

I'm not sure we should be doing this.

Dating usually just gets

in the way of business, Abby.

These days...

I don't think anything

gets in the way of business.

By the way...

there's just one thing I think we should

agree upon from the beginning.

Okay.

We're 50/50 partners. Right?

Shut up.

- Stop. I should get that.

- Not now.

Misha.

Abby!

Get out of the car! Get out of the car, you...

Get out of that car now!

- Don't be scared.

- Out of the car, you f***ing coward!

- Just calm down, Bob.

- You want me to calm down?

I am going to calm you down once and for all!

Abby! Abby!

ey! ey!

ey! Abby, get out of the car.

Get out of the car!

It's okay, Abby. It's okay. It's okay.

Okay, okay. ey.

Can we... Can we please just discuss this

like normal people?

- You want to discuss it?

- Yeah.

All right, let's discuss it.

Misha set out with Abby

to cast the perfect fat girl,

having no idea who stood behind

the final decision.

She could be a star.

She can be a star!

The show premiered to high ratings,

but the night before the operation episode,

the star panicked.

What's she saying?

She's saying she doesn't want

to do the surgery.

She's scared.

Asking us to let her go.

We have to go to her.

We have to talk to her.

No, no, no. It's okay. It's just nerves.

Nobody needs to tell her anything.

- I don't know.

- Abby. ey, stop it.

verything's going to be fine.

We, like, totally won!

The operation was a success,

and Veronika's sleeping like a baby!

There was, like, so much blood

I almost fainted!

You're so full of sh*t!

I know.

Who is this?

Misha. Wake up.

What? Why are you shaking me?

Veronika's asleep.

So let her sleep. I'm also sleeping.

She didn't come out from under the anesthesia.

ave the Veronika crying tape

shown on the evening news.

I directed this show like it was a movie,

and a real person is lying in a coma.

No. No, listen.

That was an accident, okay?

What happened to Veronika

is not our responsibility, okay?

It is not your fault.

Fine.

I'm gonna go see the insurance guys.

ey.

ven if you won't have money,

you'll still have me.

Look, Abby...

I'm going to see to it that I have money, too.

Mikhail Galkin, one of the producers

of the scandalous reality show

xtreme osmetics

was arrested today on charges of fraud.

Galkin's partner,

American citizen Abigail Gibbons,

has also been taken into custody.

ighly placed sources have suggested

that they are being held

to quiet public outcry over Veronika's coma.

No, no, no. No, no. No, no, no.

No, let's manufacture

some official medical conclusion

that the coma is nobody's fault.

Just some unpredictable physical reaction.

That's good. I like that. Very good.

No, no. What we want is

to make it so that nobody believes

the medical conclusion.

But the people still must demand

someone be punished.

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