Breakup at a Wedding Page #3

get our deposits back, Al.

But in a church...

Phil, when was the last time

that you went to church?

I pray every day, Al.

Okay, well,

I'll volunteer a lot.

Philip...

We're going to hell.

No, Phil. Look at me.

If you needed

further evidence...

that weddings make normal people

go bat-sh*t crazy,

let me present you

with exhibit "A":

Phil's new plan.

Just don't ask me

how I was able to get this.

I'm awake.

Drink this.

Okay.

One more coffee, please.

You'll be wide awake

after this.

Mm-hmm.

Why you being so nice to me?

Mmm. Mmm.

That's the trailblazer and this

is a bunch of covered wagons.

Brrr.

I'm so scared no one's gonna

wanna dance at the wedding.

I'm gonna dance.

I'm gonna dance all up and down

your man guests.

Alison has been fasting

for the last three months...

because of the Depo shot.

Is she supposed to be talking

to you? He's in my car.

So Alison got slammed

by the birth-control fairy.

No, my doctor gave me

this birth control shot...

so that I wouldn't have to worry

about my period for my wedding.

It is like 4,000 doses

of birth control at once,

so needless to say,

sh*t hit the fan.

I just didn't

have the best reaction.

You had 45 pounds

of not the best reaction.

It's a totally common

side effect.

You looked like a football

player. Why are you...

I really should have rescheduled

those engagement photos.

No. Why? It's where you were

at that time in your life.

There she is.

There's my sister.

I am so happy

and proud for you.

Lenka's really up to no good,

so feel free to ice her out

and make her feel unwanted.

Do your thing.

That was weird.

Alison's family life

was complicated.

Her dad had married a Czech

woman he met on meelf. com...

three months after the divorce

to Alison's mom was final.

So you're filming

everything, huh?

His new wife invited her

goddaughter Lenka for a visit.

Brian, who up till then had never tongue

kissed a girl, married her within the month.

That's my wife, everybody.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

I don't know.

Yes. Yes, of course I

still love you. I just...

You know what, Phil? We just need

to stick to the plan right now, okay?

That's what we need to do.

And if you really love me,

you'll respect that.

Okay, I love you too,

but just not in a marrying way.

Okay, bye.

You're the luckiest man in the

world, Phil. I am. Thank you.

Alison's amazing. Thank you,

Patty. Thank you, Dolores.

He's knocked out, Phil.

Poor little guy.

I put him on his tummy

so he doesn't choke on his puke.

Oh, God bless him.

Whatever happens,

I got your back tonight.

Just gotta get the keys,

get the girl,

and everything will be fine.

You already

got the girl, man.

Now take a look at this.

Your best friend

is one handsome fella.

You look good, my friend.

Who's getting lucky tonight?

You are,

and hopefully I am too.

Ready? Ready? Best alliance in hip-hop.

Let's do this.

Do you think it's gonna rain,

honestly?

My bangs are going crazy

already.

I feel like my bangs

are gonna ruin her wedding.

Dude, you canceled

your makeup artist?

It was the only thing I could

still cancel and not have to pay.

What? Um, I just wanted

someone in my family to do it.

Who?

Uh, Lenka.

The mail order bride

with the fake lashes? No.

You guys,

she's not a mail order bride.

My stepmom invited her

to live here.

To sell her. I thought this

was like a known fact, right?

Guys, she's really good

at makeup.

You're quiet today.

Are you okay?

Mark broke up with her.

Sean.

Nuh-uh.

Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.

When did that happen?

He sent her

a text message.

He has a butterfly tramp stamp.

It's a gypsy moth.

Do you think that there's like

another girl or something?

Teera,

I'm not trying to say...

you can't keep your man

or something,

because you're gorgeous, but...

it just doesn't even

matter how pretty you are.

Think about it.

Sean Penn, Hugh Grant,

Jude Law, Bill Clinton,

Ethan Hawke, Charlie Sheen,

Tiger Woods,

um, oh, my God...

Sandra Bullock's husband,

Shania Twain's husband,

John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger,

Chad Michael Murray...

Okay, stop.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Done?

Okay. Great.

Oh, it looks so awesome.

Thank you.

Thanks.

I go.

Bye-bye.

I- It's not good.

It's like a famous

young gymnast.

It's bad.

We have to take this off.

We'll just like... We'll

blend it a little. No.

I want you to look at the camera so

you can remember this on your video...

and you can realize

how right we were.

Look at this face. Does

it look good from far away?

No. No.

It doesn't look good.

He didn't even...

He just...

Don't get your fing...

Wait, where's the front? Here?

Yeah.

You feel those like...

Don't mess up your hair.

Yeah, watch your hair.

Little baby Alison. Okay.

There we go. There we go.

Cute.

Hi.

How many in do you do?

Um, as tight as it can go.

Okay, ready?

Suck in.

Oh, my God, sweetie.

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna cry.

I'm sorry. I can't stop

looking at your makeup.

Hey, Mama.

Hey, Philip.

How are you?

You look so good.

Oh, you look beautiful. Look who

I brought. Look who I brought.

Oh. Cameraman, come get

these fine ladies over here.

This is my mom's Curves

class. Ladies, take a spin.

Show him what low-impact circuit

training can do for a body.

Mmm. Oh, yeah, that's it.

That's it, girls. All right,

enough of that. Let's go inside.

Phil's family wasn't a

Norman Rockwell painting either.

His father died

when Phil was only 13.

His mother never remarried, and Phil

had to learn to be the man of the house.

Great. Great. Nice. Nice.

Good.

Please don't give my mom

a seizure.

Little excessive there.

That's my ma.

That's my boy.

Oh, hello.

Hi.

Can I just say,

I'm seeing a lot

of calf muscle at this wedding.

Me likey.

Enjoy it.

Hey, look at this family.

Hi, sweetheart.

How ya doing?

How's it going?

Good. How are you?

You look sharp.

Thank you.

How's he doing? He's

fine. Little nervous.

...just say a few words

for the bride and groom?

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Hey, Phil and Alison.

Philly Phil.

We love you.

We love you.

Congratulations. Come on

over to the other side.

Married life is fantastic. Do you see

all of this? Come on, enjoy yourself.

Glowing.

All of this.

See that.

We are doing it.

That's later. Save that

for later. Okay, yeah.

Enjoy yourselves.

Enjoy yourselves.

Who is that? You have

got to be kidding me.

You have got to be... I'm not

playing. I don't even know who that is.

I can't. I'm sorry.

I need to go back upstairs.

Watch the dress.

Just a glass of water.

And maybe like a shot

of tequila. Tequila.

It's okay.

There he is.

Look who it is.

Not shaved. Hobo wedding.

Remember Phil's boss, Damian?

I like the argyle. I tend

to go for a sort of stripe.

I have something important

to ask you.

I want you to be my best man.

You want me to what?

I want you to be my best man.

You're joking.

No, you know, I was thinking

I wasn't gonna have one,

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