Breakup at a Wedding Page #4

and then I started thinking

about Dad...

and everything

you've done for me and...

I'd love to do it...

been a big part of my life.

Do I get to give

a speech though?

You get to give a speech,

and then, here.

You get to hold on to these.

Oh, the ringmaster.

The ringmaster.

So when we get on altar...

On the altar, you're gonna be

right... to the right of me.

I'll do that. When we call

for you, just pass 'em.

Thank you so much, Damian.

Yes.

It's just nerves,

that's all it was.

I'm just a little stressed

right now. I'm sorry.

Alison, I once watched Chad

Fetzer punch you in the boob...

while he was shrooming,

and you apologized.

Not today.

It's your wedding day.

No "sorrys"

on your wedding day.

Okay. Sor...

No.

Here, have one.

What is it?

Nerve pills. I take one when

it's busy at the one-hour photo.

Guys, you gotta

stay calm, right?

This is about keeping it

together right now.

Right? Not letting our

nerves get the better of us.

We're all scared.

It's totally fine

to take something.

Totally.

Heck, I want one.

Yeah, I want one too.

I kinda want one too.

Me three.

Here, I'll take an extra.

Let's relax.

There's Alison.

There she is.

Oh, God.

She's like Lucy Lawless

on her wedding day to Hercules.

Let's... Oh, my God.

Hold on. Look at... And the pearls...

Ah.

- Ohh.

- Who is this guy?

Sorry, dear, my lady.

Ooh.

That's not Phil.

Shh.

Hey, Alison.

What?

Hey, Phil.

Yo!

They're here.

They're here already?

It's go time, man.

All right, here we go.

Big smile. Big smile.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, bridesmaids?

Bridesmaids, can I get, uh...

a picture of you guys?

Mommy.

Oh, my God. Your face.

Yeah, can you gimme a baby

wipe? Oh, thank God. Yes.

I have makeup with me.

Okay?

Right back.

Uh-huh. Okay.

God.

Here, put your head down

a little bit, dear.

I wanna get this blue away.

If Jesus ever saw this place, he'd

throw himself back on the cross.

It's Alison's dad's

old army church.

You guys ever get random pain

in your butthole?

What do you mean by random?

Like a sharp, shooting pain?

It's showtime, boys.

Showtime. Here we go.

All right, here we go.

Last chance, Phil.

Last chance to back out.

No backing out, Damian.

If I get a little emotional

out there, guys, just, uh...

Punch you in the back

of the head?

Right in the kidney.

Yeah. Donkey punch style.

Okay, just like the rehearsal.

Five. Five. Five!

Marriage is a difficult

enterprise to enter into...

for any two people,

especially young people,

whose lives are ahead of them,

and they may not know which

direction they're going in.

But these two...

Are you okay?

I'll be fine. really seem to have

their heads on straight about it.

We are so privileged because they

have written their own vows today,

which I think

is incredibly special...

and a wonderful sign of their

commitment to each other.

Philip, would you like to tell

your vows to Alison now?

Yes.

- Sorry. One second.

- Technology...

A blessing and a curse.

Okay.

"In the presence of God...

and all our families

and friends,

I, Philip Havemeyer...

Phil...

choose you, Alison Jones,

to be my wife,

to respect you in your

successes and failures,

to cherish you,

to nurture you,

to make you those gluten-free

nachos you love so much...

and to grow with you

throughout eternity.

Alison, you're the best,

and I love you.

That was beautiful, Philip.

Thank you.

Alison, your vows?

I, Alison Jones,

take you, Philip Havemeyer,

to have and to hold, forever.

I love you... forever.

Good.

Inasmuch as Alison and Phil have grown

in knowledge and love of one another...

because they have agreed in their

desire to go forward in life together...

seeking an ever-richer,

deepening relationship,

and because they have

pledged themselves...

to meet sorrow and joy

as one family,

we rejoice to recognize them

as joined together in marriage.

You may kiss the...

Holy sh*t!

You know what?

I don't like to be under it.

Get away from it.

If it falls, I don't want it

to fall on you.

It is with great pleasure that

I finally get to introduce you...

to Mr. and Mrs. Philip

and Alison Havemeyer.

Perfect. Excellent.

Excellent. Looks great.

Um, can we take one with

just my original parents?

Sure.

My biological parents?

Okay.

Good. Big smiles.

Big smiles.

Squeeze in a little bit more.

Alison, suck in those arms. I

need you to suck in those arms.

Real tight.

Nice, perfect.

Oh, that... Good, good.

Suck 'em in.

All right.

All right, this is good.

Ah, the carriage awaits.

You wanna go

all the way in to the left.

Hey, what are you

looking at me for?

Get over there! Go.

This is bad. We are bad.

We are going to hell.

Oh, my God.

We are going to hell,

driven in this carriage.

We are gonna see my dad a lot sooner

than I thought. Jesus is T.O.'d.

Jesus is meeting us at the hotel

in approximately 25 minutes.

No, Jesus is gonna come to our

reception and turn our wine into water,

because he is pissed.

Is this acid rain I'm feeling? Acid

raindrops. No, it's Jesus' tears.

Oh, my God.

Look at this guy.

Wow, you guys really are trying

to get everything here, huh?

You know, I, uh... I'm not really

into shooting weddings.

I like the human form.

I like contours.

I like capturing

the way the body curves.

Especially in the boudoir.

In a bedroom setting, you know?

Are you all right?

Hey, I just wanna let you know,

we're gonna go to the liquor

store to buy some booze.

'- Cause the hotel's charging

like $12 for rum. - What?

We paid for an open bar.

I paid for an open bar.

Yeah, who has a wedding without an

open bar? Uh, it's a little weird.

Okay, here.

Let me get your dress.

Okay.

Did you try running the thing

again? Did you call them?

This has gotta be some kinda

glitch with the credit card company.

You can't...

There's nothing we can do?

Look how beautiful

she looks. Right?

Cash bar at a wedding? That's

like the lowest of the low.

I'll do checks.

Checks?

Is there anything you'd like

to say to the bride and groom?

Yes, Philip and Alison...

what a great couple.

Lovely, lovely couple.

We love them so much.

They're working

so hard on this wedding.

You know, it's quite a chore,

and they're

doing this all for us...

and we wanna help.

It would be an honor

if they would let us do that.

That's a lot of booze.

Yeah.

You think that's enough

for like two weddings?

Definitely.

Move. Move.

Who's thirsty?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am so sorry.

There was a small, little thing

with the hotel.

And now the drinks

are all free,

so please, drink up.

Take advantage of this.

...the guy, okay?

There are boxes missing here.

Okay, there's supposed to be,

like, at least seven boxes here.

I'm only seeing four. These are

just the mixers. I need the alcohol.

Do you guys wanna say something

to the bride and groom?

Hey, Allie, how's it going?

You remember how everyone used to

say that I was in love with you?

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