Breakup at a Wedding Page #5

Because I would, you know,

walk you to class,

and then,

you know, to work,

and then back

to your apartment and stuff?

That's crazy, right?

I don't wanna sit here.

Do you want me

to say something?

Congratulations.

Thanks for inviting us.

And for my husband's

promotion to best man.

I suppose that means

we can't leave early.

Are you wearing some of that,

like, shimmering stuff? Yeah.

It looks great.

Thanks.

Oh, butterfly. I'm pretty

limber for a guy my size.

You should come to yoga

with me.

Yoga?

Yeah.

You're already making me wear

pink, and now I gotta go to yoga?

Okay.

Please join me,

ladies and gentlemen,

as we welcome

our newlywed couple,

Phil and Alison Havemeyer!

As they take their first

dance as husband and wife.

Sir? Sir, if you could just

clear the dance floor. Sir.

I like your moves, buddy,

but now's not your time.

Look at the camera

real quick.

Say hi.

Hi.

How you doing, Laurie?

Hi.

You enjoying that?

Good, 'cause I paid for it.

Are you enjoying the food?

Guys, really, honestly, eat

everything in sight. Thank you.

No, I'm serious, because they don't

let me take the leftovers home.

That was like a big issue

with me.

Okay, I'm gonna save most

of this for my speech, Alison.

Honestly, thank God

for your wedding...

because there are so many guys here,

and I need to have sex with somebody.

How old are you?

I could sleep with you.

Jailbait.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I mean, so, seriously,

don't worry about me.

I'll find someone to sleep with, and

I hope that you have a great time.

I love you. You're my best friend. Mwah!

Alison and I were walking alone

along the beach.

I looked behind us,

and I noticed...

that for every good memory there were

two foots of... sets of footprints.

One was mine

and one was Alison's,

and I turned to Alison

and I said,

"Alison, how come

in the hardest,

uh, saddest times

of my life,

I was just walking alone?

Did you leave me?"

And she said, "No, of course

not. You're my best friend.

It was that time

that I carried you. "

Congratulations,

and I am so honored

to be your maid of honor.

Love you. Congratulations. Cheers!

All right.

Lots to think about.

And now, our best man,

Chris Benashnaz...

No. No, no.

Oh! I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Sorry. Damian Haines, ladies

and gentlemen. Damian Haines.

Thank you.

Is this on? Is this on?

Right, I'm not gonna try and top

Mary's speech because I'm not mad.

Uh, okay, what about this?

I always think...

that a woman is like

a nice bit of property.

You always want what's a

little bit outside your reach.

Let's be honest.

She's quite

a nice-looking girl.

Pretty, not beautiful.

Girl next door.

Very appealing.

And he's like

this massive Snuffleupagus...

on his hind legs.

But it's not about looks.

Right, let's get up here.

We're gonna do a toast.

Come on.

Enough eating. There's enough

type 2 diabetes in here already.

Yes. What's that joke?

It's an American joke.

Um...

May all your

ups and downs...

I don't know the joke.

It's an American sex joke.

So, let's... be all your ups and

downs be sex. All right. Brilliant.

Cheers. Come on.

All right, get it down

your necks. Thank you.

I thought

that was pretty good.

I mean, I didn't expect

any less, to be honest.

The one thing,

I was thinking,

maybe I should have

done something about kids.

You know, I got two kids.

Two little girls.

But then I thought,

you know what?

To be honest

with yourself, Damian,

I'm ambivalent

about the kids bit.

Um, can I have my wife

up here with me for this?

Honey?

Alison, Helen and I would

like to take this time...

to tell you that we love

you and we're proud of you,

and we want you to come

over for dinner more.

Can do.

Okay.

Well, cheers.

Everybody have fun.

Whoa!

Hey, man. Let me ask you

something. Totally random.

Do you think I'm gay?

I... I don't know.

A little.

Let me tell you, that wasn't the

first time I saw Phil's penis...

but it was the most memorable.

Am I right?

Cut it, cut it, cut it.

Come on, Bena.

Wrong time.

Come this way.

It was... Maybe I...

We got a special surprise for you.

There was a setup to that joke.

Harvey Wallbangers.

Oi, oi, mate!

Well, it's my best friend

in the whole world.

That's very unlikely, mate.

Excuse us, Damian.

Come on. We got some drinking

to do. No, this guy...

Did you see the new Battlestar?

Can we have three shots,

please? He's from Newark.

He's not from Newark.

This is the best Chinese food

in Newark.

You feeling all right, man? You

know, you missed the ceremony.

I know. My mom would be

so disappointed in me.

No, she wouldn't. We all love

you. No one's disappointed in you.

Bena, you know

what else you missed?

The Mexican hat dance.

Come on, buddy.

It's just not a wedding

without one.

All right. You lead.

You lead. Ready?

Two, dos, tres.

Ah!

Hey!

Three more, please. Make his

a double, if you don't mind.

Rack 'em up. Make sure

baby gets his bottle.

I got this. I'm the

billiards meister tonight.

Come on, Bena. What

do you say? One more.

Break to the beat

on three, two...

Three, two, one.

Get funky with it.

Alison looks gorgeous.

Absolutely gorgeous.

Although I was a little concerned

when we got the "save the date. "

She looks gorgeous.

Did you screw my wife?

It's okay if you did.

I just wanna know.

No. No. No.

Well, why not?

She sure was into you.

And about a half dozen

other guys.

Okay, so this will be,

like, really quick.

So what do you wanna do

for Alison?

I'm gonna go first,

same as before.

That guy is such a creep.

I can't believe she invited him.

Who is that guy?

Don't tell Alison this.

I went to his house, 'cause he was

the closest person to have sex with...

That thing on the Internet?

So I went to his house, and he

made me open all his mail naked.

How ya feeling?

How am I feeling?

You see this sweat?

I'm great!

Can I get one more,

please?

Do you wanna see the inside

of a spaceship?

Neither do I.

Hey, "camarone. "

I don't wanna be

a surgeon general about this,

but that's

a health code violation.

You got a spoon...

We love you, Alison!

Love you!

You are a really,

really good wife.

And you look really beautiful

as a bride. You look so pretty.

Hey, nice dress.

Nice dress.

No thanks to you guys. I

was not a part of that. What?

Dos cerveza, por favor.

You look great tonight. Honestly,

prettiest bride I've ever worked with.

Look, I wanna thank you

again for inviting me.

Most clients

don't do that.

You are so much more

than just a florist.

Look, um, I have

something for you.

I didn't want to pull it out

too early. It's in the van.

Remind me later. Ooh,

what is it? Tell me.

Nah, nah. Just be patient.

I'll bring it out later.

She's having fun. She's supposed to

get drunk and not remember any of this.

And that's why

she has the video.

- This should not be in it.

- I'm just saying.

I'm glad you have this video 'cause

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