Broken Hearts Club Page #12

I mean,just look at him.

He's gorgeous,|completely straight-acting.

He's the ultimate meanwhile,|and he has no soul.

My dad would sleep with Cole.

If you asked me, Cole is precisely|what's wrong with this group.

We all want to be him,|but we're all afraid to admit it.

Actually,|Howie would probably admit it.

I wanna be Cole.|Why can't I be Cole?

Why can't God have made me Cole?

My friends get a haircut with this.

It's not like I wanna be Cole|or anything.

He just makes it all look so easy.

I just wish it was, you know,|that easy to let someone in.

To get a boyfriend.

To be beautiful.

Thanks, Betty.

You always know just what to say.

It's a gift.

Where is my living room?

- I just shifted it around a little.|- No, this is your living room.

You didn't shift|my living room around.

You shifted my living room out|and your living room in.

So where is my living room?

Distributed evenly around the house.

- Distribute it back.|- It took me all day.

Start now, you'll be done in time|to set your curlers for bed.

Okay, Dennis.|Think of it this way.

A furniture arrangement|is like a new hairstyle, right?

You have to live with it for a few days|before you know if you like it or not.

That's not true.

I haven't had a shag, but I don't have|to live with one for a few days...

to know that I don't want one.

Thank God you're home.

Thanks to Mufassa here,|it's now a Tunisian hut.

- Why do I even try?|- I have amazing news.

This casting director is bringing me in|for this role in this Kip Rogers movie.

- That's terrific.|- Except I ran out of head shots.

- You need me to make a head shot.|- Bingo.

- Go get your negatives.|- I love you.

You are a f***ing godsend.

I hear Kip Rogers is a big fag.

Kip Rogers is not gay.|He's married.

Please, that's right up there with,|"He's not gay. He's in a fraternity."

My agent thinks that I have|a really good shot for this one.

Says they're just looking|for a face.

Doesn't that bother you?

- That people think I'm attractive?|- That that's all they think.

That's not necessarily true.

When was the last time you got asked|to audition for a role?

It's always they want a look|or face...

or nice eyes.

So what? Who gives a f***?|That's my way in.

What matters is whether or not|I have the sh*t to back it up.

I guess.

- So you like this Kevin kid?|- He's nice enough, sure.

That's how you feel about him?|He's nice enough?

Do I agree with his opinions|on the Middle East?

Forget I asked.

It's been a week.|Who knows what I feel?

I think if this is gonna be|another random you sleep with and dump--

- Another?|- You don't have the best track record.

- You're not taking home the gold.|- This isn't about me.

What is your excuse for not|settling down with one of your scams?

You don't even call them back.

At least I have the decency|to date them for a little while.

Which brings me to my point.

Why lead somebody on when you know|it's not gonna work out?

Because what if it does?

A relationship|can't be built on lust.

No more than you can base a relationship|off coffee and good conversation...

but that works just fine|for our first date.

There it is.

Well.

Have you gained weight?

What? Where?

Every night at about 1 1..00 it hits.

have to spend another evening alone.

So I go over there.

- That's called being horny.|- It's not horny.

I know horny.

I've taken entire|lecture series on horny.

They have lecture series on horny?

They don't call it that.

You think I should|paint my toenails again?

Any time you hags|wanna join the game.

I hate the outfield.|There's too much action.

Where did my mitt go?

Oh, say can you see

How y'all doin'?

You ready for this?|You ready for this one?

Attaboy, Taylor!

With a monarch's voice,|cry havoc...

and let slip the dogs of war!

Strike!

Our first game of the season, and they|pit us against the Hollywood Firemen?

Not only are they better than us,|they're a physical distraction.

Come on. Let's play.

Look at that.

Strike two.

You know, if he was smart,|he'd hurl himself in front of the ball.

- I tell you, it's the law of fractions.|- You're insane.

Howie thinks one|of the other players is gay.

It's a known scientific fact|that one out of ten men is gay.

Including the bench, they've got|1 1 players. You do the math.

I dare you to share that with them.

Thank you.

Where's Cole?|He's up after Will.

I'll get him.

Strike three! You're out!

I don't understand why they don't|just let me hit off the tee.

Shut up, b*tches.

You're up in two.

Thanks, Den.

So you're still deciding|if you're gay?

I'm going with the shortstop 'cause he's|the only one with the shirt tucked in.

Benj, hold these.

Cole, if you had to pick a mole|off the other team, who would it be?

No problem. Catcher.

Catcher? Yeah, right.

The biggest meanwhile on the team|is really gay? People think I'm crazy.

The guy's a total breeder.

First round at Jack's|says I'm right.

Who's the coach?

That's Jack. Loves baseball|and Hawaiian shirts.

- Shakespeare fan, huh?|- Classically trained.

Before he opened the restaurant,|he was a stage actor in New York.

See that man?|That's his partner of 20 years.

Plays piano at the restaurant.

Comes to all the games.

We call him Purple Guy,|for obvious reasons.

Yeah.

Wow.

Hey, Mr. Catcher.

You got a name?

Sure.

It's Low and Inside.

Strike!

- Thanks for the tip.|- Next time listen to me.

My friends and I|have a little bet goin'...

that one of you fire boys plays on|our league, if you know what I mean.

That's interesting.

- Who'd you bet on?|- You.

Ball!

So do I win?

What tipped you off?

I've been up to bat twice, and twice|I've caught you staring at my ass.

Ball.

So what are the chances|of me getting your number?

Sorry. I'm seeing someone.

So was I.

Strike two!

Two and two, batter.

I missed that one on purpose|so I could ask again.

What are the chances|of getting your number?

About the chance of you|hitting a home run.

Yeah, go!

Print neatly.

- You ever talk to him?|- Purple guy?

I thought he said hi to me once.|Turned out it was just a burp.

I wonder what Jack sees in him.

I don't know. Whatever it is,|though, he couldn't be happier.

The world's only prompt lesbians.

Well, I'm off.

- Wish me luck.|- You're not gonna do it.

I don't get it.|Are we breaking up?

I don't get it.|Are we breaking up?

See, that's the thing.

That you would think there|was actually something to break up...

implies we were never really clear|on what we had to begin with.

That lack of clarity...

well...

frightens me.

What?

- What's up with them?|- Cole's breaking up with him.

In the course of six innings?|What happened?

He got the catcher's number.|The f***er was right.

- Where's Kevin?|- He doesn't feel like coming.

Obviously.

- Something wrong here?|-Jig's up, Mr. Man.

We know all about this little|Heartbreak Hotel you're runnin'.

We're here to shut that sh*t down.

Relax, Tex.|All I did is cool things off.

Was that what you were doing behind|the bleachers, cooling things off?

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