Broken Hearts Club Page #5

He can't even admit to being gay.

What he needs right now are friends,|not a boyfriend.

Where you goin'?

You're right.|What he needs now are friends.

- He wants to sleep with him.|- Thank you.

Hey, we're going to Jack's.|It's one of our many losing traditions.

-Just f*** off.|- You should come.

Everyone gets dumped|first time around.

It's the rule|of all newbie relationships.

What happens next?|Do I become like you and your friends?

You don't even know my friends.

I know them well enough to know|you're a bunch of bitter, jaded--

Fags? Go ahead and say it.

- I wasn't going to say that.|- You should.

Maybe then you'd be less afraid|of what it means.

Why can't everything just slow down?

I promise it will,|but you can't go back now.

At least go have|a cup of coffee with me?

- One condition.|- What?

West Hollywood's that way.

Show me one thing|you find interesting that way.

- So you come here a lot?|- You could say that.

In fact, next to Karen Carpenter...

this place is the closest thing|to perfection I know.

The Carpenters?|Now, that I get.

- You like the Carpenters?|- Insanely.

Here's to your first O.G.T.

Obviously Gay Trait.

Mine are love of the Carpenters,|culinary interests...

and intense fear of blood sports.

I don't get it. Why be friends with a|group of people just because you're gay?

That's not why we're friends.

It may be why we became friends,|but that's not why we're friends.

- Doesn't that drive you crazy?|- Of course.

At least six times a year, I threaten|to move to Europe like my brother did.

Only I wouldn't go for just|a few months. I'd stay.

I'd bring my camera, finally take|my time developing a photographer's eye.

Really find my voice.

Then something happens.

A birthday, summer parties...

Christmas,|great night of dancing.

And I'm with them and...

suddenly I can't imagine|being anywhere else.

So I stay.

Have you told anybody|about what you're going through?

- A few people.|- Like?

- My sister.|- Ooh, that's worth at least ten points.

Yeah, it wasn't planned. I was home|last Christmas, and she caught me.

- With a guy?|- No, alone.

By myself, flying solo.

Ouch. To what, gay porn?

Oh, no. Worse than that.

An article on Antonio Sabato,Jr.

I thought my mom would be cooler.|She was a '60s love child.

In high school, she caught me|smoking pot with my friends.

All she said was, "I hope you|didn't pay market for that."

But when I told her I was gay,|she didn't talk to me for a month.

- How is she now?|- Better.

Still refers to the homosexual|population as "the gays"...

like they live on her block|or somethin'.

" Dennis, I see the gays had a parade.|Did you go?"

My dad would have been different.

- You didn't tell him?|- He died before I told anyone.

My biggest regret:|he died not knowing me.

You can't say that.|Maybe he didn't know--

He died not knowing me.

We want your sperm.|We're not asking you to move in.

What about cousin Jeffrey?|He's got our genes. He could donate.

Jeffrey's a Promise Keeper|and a card-carrying member of the NRA.

He doesn't have any genes|I'm interested in, Patrick.

I'm sorry.|My answer still stands.

I told you we should have|drugged him and jerked him off.

Drug me and jerk--|Do you hear this?

This is the woman that you|want to become a mother with.

- She's being serious.|- Okay.

You two want the truth?|Here's the truth.

You guys can't keep a plant alive.|How are you gonna take care of a child?

We haven't even discussed the realities|of what this kid will have to deal with.

Are you prepared to answer, " Mom #1 ,|why is Mom #2's brother my father?"

Look at the three of us. What kind|of Christmas card is this gonna make?

You know what?|I don't have to listen to this.

I'm doing this for your sister because|she wanted to involve you in this.

She had this funny idea|that maybe if we did...

you'd get your sh*t together and start|taking responsibility for your life.

But I can see|that you'd rather not.

That's fine with me.|I'm going to get the car.

Is that what this is about?|Some sort of mission to save me?

Patrick, when you came out...

you said it was because you couldn't|live the rest of your life in misery.

And I have never seen you|more miserable.

I'm sorry, gentlemen,|but the evidence is rudimentary.

There's not a single film|in the cinema canon...

that paints a portrait of a gay man|that any of us would aspire to be.

What are our options?|Noble, suffering AI DS victims...

the friends of noble,|suffering AI DS victims...

compulsive sex addicts,|common street hustlers...

and the most recent addition|to the lot...

stylish confidantes|to lovelorn women.

Just once I'd like to see|a gay character that is not sick...

has not been laid in about three months|and is behind on his student loans.

And that's someone|you would aspire to be.

At least they would be someone real.

Can you imagine if they made a film|about us, our group of friends?

Maybe then we wouldn't have|to shamefully compare ourselves...

to "Steel Magnolias."

He is so Sally Fields.

- I thought I was Sally Fields.|- No, you're Shirley MacLaine.

Which one am I?

Julia Roberts.

For your nerves, honey.

What are you doing here? We agreed|not to see each other in public.

- I said it was too hard.|- I didn't know you were gonna be here.

We had a game today.|We always come here after the game.

- I'm telling you, I forgot.|- Whatever.

Since you're here, if you want|to join us for a drink.

- I can't.|- You can't?

I'm trying to tell you|that I can't.

There are no tables available,|so it might be a while.

Oh, it's too busy here, so we should|probably go to the movie anyway.

Cool.

I didn't see you out there.

I came in the back.

I felt like an emergency piece|of cobbler before I faced the crowd.

How'd it go with the girls?

It went.

I miss anything?

Same old song.

Howie was going on about gay cinema.

Sometimes I wonder what you boys|would do if you weren't gay.

You'd have no identity.

It was easy when you couldn't talk|about it. Now it's all you talk about.

You talk about it so much|that sometimes you forget about...

all the other things that you are.

When I watch them,|it feels so strange.

It's like I'm not even a part of it.

They're all so much|more attractive than I am.

No. You know what?

I don't mind. Really, I don't.

I kind of like being attractive|by association.

It's the closest I've ever gotten|to feeling beautiful.

Help me put my dress on.

Jack, you're not going out|in drag tonight.

It's Saturday.|The crowd expects it.

The madness has got to stop. You don't|even like wearing women's clothes.

So?

So it's a disgrace|to drag performers everywhere.

Big f***in' deal.

And it completely plays into|the whole gay stereotype.

Again, big f***ing deal.

And your tits are always crooked.

- No sh*t? Nobody ever told me that.|- Well, they are.

Here, come here.

I've never felt a man up before.

There. That's--

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