Broken Hearts Club Page #6

Okay. Zip me up, would you?

Oh, okay. All right.

Everybody can't be the same,|Patrick.

Everybody can't be straight.

Everybody can't be beautiful.

Some people|are just gay and average.

We're the strongest, I think.

Hello, boys! Hello.

I'm sorry. I know we were supposed|to start two hours ago.

But you know what they say?|Better latent than never.

So to start with,|I'd like to do a little number...

from my first platinum album...

Color Me Jack.

Hit it, honey.

Yes, do, let's join the ladies

And make one great big lady

You sure you don't want|to come in?

I do. I'm just not ready|for it all yet.

- I have the same number as Cole.|- Don't worry.

I'll call.

Okay.

Good night.

Bye.

Just checking a page.|I'm betting it's the fireman.

Which, incidentally,|would be record time.

Yeah, but I just wanted|to apologize for earlier.

- About Kevin.|- Oh, hey, no problem.

Holy sh*t. Holy sh*t.

- What is it?|- No way. It's my agent.

What's he saying?

I got the part.|I got the part in the movie.

- You're kidding me.|- Oh, my God.

I leave in a week|to shoot for a month in Phoenix.

Holy sh*t. I got the part|in Kip Rogers' movie.

- I'll be in a movie with Kip Rogers.|- This is incredible.

No kidding.

- It's a small part, but,Jesus Christ--|- I heard Kip Rogers was gay.

He's not gay. He's married.

I gotta tell the other guys.|They're gonna freak.

Hey, listen. Tell the other hags|I'm leaving. I'll see you tomorrow.

Where are you going?

To my sister's.

To see if it's not too late to change|my mind about this whole baby thing.

- What happened?|- Nothing.

Nothing ever happens.|That's the whole point.

You scared the sh*t out of me.|What are you doing here?

I think that it's great|that you're dating again.

Yeah, it is.

And it's not that I'm giving you|my approval, but I am approving.

- I'm going inside now.|- Wait. Come on.

Let me just come inside,|just for a minute.

Until you get off?

- That is not true.|- No, no.

You'll be kind enough|to share your latest theory...

on why Snagglepuss was the first|openly gay cartoon character.

You know, if memory serves, it's|your post-coital hashish bonfires...

- that sent me running.|- That is such a convenient argument.

My pot smoking is the source|of all our problems?

God forbid it was symptomatic|of our f***ed-up relationship.

I'm the one that studies|relationships for a living.

- Ours was quite normal.|- Normal?

When did you once express any physical|affection outside of the bedroom?

Do you know Brian actually|held my hand in public tonight?

Do you know what that's like to be with|someone who's not terrified to do that?

You know, I congratulate Mr. Gorgeous|on his issue-less existence.

So that's what this is about.

Brian's better-looking than you,|so I matter again.

But if he was ugly, you wouldn't|be here right now? Am I right?

Thanks for not answering that.

You know, Howie,|I didn't ask for much from you...

but it would be nice if your attraction|to me had something to do with me.

My ex is dating a print model.

A blond, goy print model named Brian.

Could that possibly hit|on more of my issues?

He could have a big penis.

Which one of you hags|suggested level eight? I'm dying.

- Let's bring it down to seven.|- Six, and I pick up lunch.

It's a deal.|Maybe he just wants to win you back.

That's not Marshall's m.o. Unlike me,|he doesn't have a vengeful bone in him.

- Meanwhile--|- You have the oddest taste.

- Sue me.|- I don't understand.

For months you've been guilty|that you ended the relationship.

- He's moved on and you sound worse.|- Because my guilt I can control.

It's my guilt.|Jealousy is completely out of my hands.

I'm with Dennis. How can you be jealous|about something that you gave up on?

I don't know.|I just know that it's over...

and you won't catch me going through|any mourning cycle.

Speaking of which, I haven't seen|Princess Taylor all week.

He's been curled up on my couch,|watching old Joan Crawford movies.

When I ask him what's wrong, he gives me|this sinister look and mutters...

- "Phase five, phase five."|- The revenge phase.

If I were you, I'd remove|all sharp objects from the house.

Is that what they're teaching you|in school these days, young Sigmund?

Guys, is that the girl|from "Young and the Restless?"

I'm so over "Y&R."

You're excited for him to call,|but you don't want to sleep with him?

Even if I wanted to sleep with him,|I wouldn't.

- So you do want to sleep with him.|- Why is it always about that?

Don't you see|what happens to us?

We come out of the closet, we get our|hearts stepped on like a Twister game...

and we become more bitter|than we were in the closet.

The only thing keeping us from complete|despair are the friendships we develop.

I just want him to see that|before it's too late.

Before he becomes jaded,|like us.

Interesting. What you're trying to do|is save yourself by saving Kevin.

- It's classic projection.|- You haven't answered my question.

- No, I don't want to sleep with him.|- Bullshit.

- Benji's talking to Idaho guy.|- Who's that?

Idaho Guy|is Benji's newest crush.

He's been strategically working out|near him for weeks...

in hopes|that Idaho Guy would notice.

Why do you call him|Idaho Guy?

I don't know. He just kind|of looks like he's from Idaho.

It's not really one|of our better ones.

I'm freaking out.

I was in the middle of my squats and he|comes over and just gives me these tips.

Is that like fate or what?|Maybe I should get his number.

No way, little Benjamin. Gym bunnies|make a bad name for all of us.

Their lives revolve around sex|and protein shakes.

And cat tranquilizers.

If you intend on experiencing the joys|of a bitter, codependent relationship...

it won't be|with a gym bunny.

I don't care.|I'm going back over there.

Hi. I turned around and you were gone.|I wanted to give you this.

It's my number.

Give me a call if you want.

Yeah, definitely.

That'll be cool.

It's no improvement.

I didn't pack a jacket.

I hope Phoenix|doesn't get cold at night.

Should we call a doctor?

He'll be all right.Just as long|as he doesn't start boiling any rabbits.

You know what?|I almost forgot to tell you.

That Kevin kid called|while you were at the gym.

- He did?|- He said to call him back.

Sounded kind of cold, though.|I hope he doesn't still hate me.

They never still hate you.

It's funny, isn't it?|I'd hate me.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,|I'd hate you too.

- Good luck.|- Thank you very much.

- "What is taking him so long?"|- I don't know.

It'll just be another minute more.|I had to make a phone call.

A phone call?|I knew he was gonna pull some sh*t.

- Patrick, what happened?|- I couldn't do it.

- I need material.|- They don't have material?

Well, the whole "Hustler" oeuvre isn't|exactly helping my cause right now.

Oh, my God. It's embarrassing|to even be seen in here.

- Did you bring the stash?|- You owe me so big for this, hag.

You know my issues|with buying porno.

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