Brooklyn Rules Page #4

I never made it over there myself,

One of the biggest regrets of my f***in' life.

Let me tell you.

A real f***in' shame.

I would have liked to have had

one of those for myself.

But you know something?

I think maybe I'll make one right now.

No! No! No!

Cocksucker, come on.

Turn that thing on!

- Come on! Turn it on!

- Please! No!

You think you're going

to take money out of my pocket?

You think you're going to take

money out of my pocket,

you f***ing scumbag?

- Come on! Yeah!

- No! No! Please!

The f***in' Van Gogh

garbage company now.

Cash...

'Cause I know you don't like credit.

Sorry about the mess.

Are you out of your f***ing mind?

I said I was sorry;

How many times

do you want to hear it, Mike?

I didn't tell you about this guy

so you could score points

with f***ing Caesar!

I mean, he cut the guy's ear off!

Look- What did you think

you were going to get?

Mafia employee of the month?

You know what?

If you would shut the f*** up

for two seconds,

I could tell you what happened!

Just let him talk.

All right?

Listen to me.

I was at Butterfingers with Philly.

- We had a drink.

- Now, who's Philly?

Caesar's guy.

We had a drink.

We started talking.

It came up in conversation.

When you were trying to impress him

about how big a tough guy you are?

Okay, you know what?

F*** you.

F*** you;

I apologize 26 times,

and now you can go f*** yourself.

What are you gonna do, cut my ear off?

No, I'm gonna give you a f***in' beatin'.

How about that?

Come on! Enough! Enough!

I feel like Mills Lane here!

You two are my best friends,

with all due respect,

I'm not going to stand by and watch

while he beats the sh*t out of you.

And as for you, I don't care

how this thing started.

You're just an a**hole.

What happened?

I was talking to Philly, all right, and I admit,

I stupidly brought up the sanitation moron.

Next thing I know, f***in'

Caesar's standing there.

Philly tells him the story;

Caesar turns purple.

And that's it.

That's it, Mike.

A half an hour later,

he's pummeling the sh*t out of the guy.

And we're here.

That's it.

Jesus Christ, Carmine.

Michael, please.

I apologize.

I did not know that this was going to happen.

Did you just get off

of a f***ing spaceship?

What the f*** did you think

was going to happen?

That's the point:

I didn't think.

I didn't think.

Look, it's over.

Please, Mike, it's over;

don't worry about it.

Caesar likes you.

Well, I don't want him to like me.

Look, you want to f*** around

with these guys,

that's your business,

but I want to go through life

without caesar Manganaro knowing I exist.

You gotta get away from these guys.

Please?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Come on.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

I just don't understand how you do that.

Do what?

You're supposed to put mustard on hot dogs.

So?

In England, they put mayonnaise

on french fries.

Oh, does this look like

f***in' England to you?

How about I squirt this in your face?

Hey, that's that guy

who had the fight

with the busboy that night.

- What busboy?

- At pastels.

Philly knows that kid.

He's with the Bonannos,

supposed to be a real maniac.

What are you, like,

The official gossip columnist

for the mob now?

I like to stay on top of things, all right?

Speaking of f***ing,

are we going out tomorrow night, or what?

I don't know.

This girl at school invited me to a party.

And?

What?

And we're not invited?

Of course.

It's just going to be

a lot of college a**holes, though.

Oh, what, like you?

Yeah, exactly like me.

Look, all I'm saying...

you guys might not be comfortable; that's all.

Are you embarrassed of us, Mike?

What the hell are you talking about?

You know, there was

a little bit of hesitation there, Mike.

Get the f*** out of he-

Look, if you want to come, come.

If you don't, go f*** yourselves, okay?

The car's all right here?

Yeah, sure.

Why not?

It's the city.

What do I know?

What's up, man?

Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!

Hey, Todd.

How you doin', man?

Todd?

F***in' re-Todd.

He's all right.

He plays on the lacrosse team.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Hey.

Wow, you made it.

Well, of course. It's your birthday.

Hey, these are my friends.

Excuse me.

What's the problem?

I don't know.

He won't let us in.

Do I look like I play f***in' tennis?

They're called sneakers.

Uh, Ellen, these are my friends.

This is Bobby.

- Hi.

- How are you?

- This is Carmine.

- Hello.

How you doin'?

Okay?

I don't want any trouble, all right?

Now, if you want to stay, that's fine,

But your friends, they don't belong here.

Ooh. What's that supposed to mean?

Back up. Hey, don't put your

f***in' hands on me, all right?

You understand?

Yeah, take a walk.

I'll be right back.

What's this guy's problem?

I don't know.

Look, he's an a**hole.

Why don't you go tell him

We're on the lacrosse team, huh?

I'm sorry.

That is bullshit.

And since when do you

wear sneakers anyway?

What f***in' difference

does it make what I'm wearing, huh?

It's all right.

Go with your girl.

Go.

Seriously, go.

It's fine.

Tell you what:
go around the side.

I'll meet you there.

It's not a big deal.

Mike, listen.

I got somewhere I gotta be

anyway, all right?

Go have fun.

Go get laid.

Look, f*** this guy.

We'll have a good time.

All right. Go.

We'll meet you around back.

Two minutes.

Right around the side.

All right.

Go ahead.

Hey, a**hole!

Give me a call sometime!

We'll go play tennis, all right?

Carmine.

Bobby!

Hi.

Hi.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, they had something to do,

so they just left.

Can I get you something to drink?

A blue margarita.

Blue margarita, shot of jack.

You look nice.

Ah, don't let the clothes fool you.

You don't look so bad yourself.

So...

- Happy birthday.

- Thanks.

So your friends, are they from Brooklyn too?

Switzerland, olympic yodeling team.

Eh-Heh.

It's funny, the whole Brooklyn thing.

Funny?

Well, like in class, I always sensed

there was something off about you.

Off?

Um, edgy, you know.

It's a compliment.

Edgy's good.

Okay, I'll quit while I'm ahead.

Do you want to get out of here,

go someplace we can talk?

Yeah.

Ah, this is great.

How romantic.

Whoa.

So...

Don't I take you to the classiest joints?

It's great.

You know what?

It's not great.

It's actually terrible.

Would you like to go back inside?

No, I want to stay.

Really?

All right.

So that was pretty slick last week.

What was?

What you did with the poli-sci test.

I saw you slip it in your jacket.

I-

I can explain that.

Relax.

I'm not a stool pigeon.

It's funny; your friends

look like they'd be scam artists, but you...

That's exactly why I'm so effective.

Yeah, it's the innocent face,

plus the fact that you seem so smart

when you talk in class.

I am smart.

Then how come I caught you?

Hmm.

Maybe I let you catch me.

What?

Hmm, just trying to get a handle on you.

I mean, on the outside,

you're this cute, preppy guy,

but on the inside,

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