Bruce Almighty Page #15

65.

-^ The Stage Manager motions to Evan, he reluctantly continues

/ reading.

INTERCUT TV STUDIO AND NEWSROOM MONITOR

EVAN:

The White House reception committee

greeted the Prime Rib Roast

Minister and I do the cha cha like

a sissy girl...

(urged to keep going, so

continues slowly)

I lika do da cha cha...

In desperation, Evan shifts from the prompter to the paper

script on his desk.

EVAN:

Sorry, we're having a few technical

difficulties, here...

(reading) *

In other n-n-n-n....n-n-n-n... *

Evan's NOSE STARTS BLEEDING. A sudden stream out of one *

nostril. Susan reacts. So does Jack. Bruce smiles.

, Evan sees the blood, tries to stop it but it only streams

-/ faster. He keeps talking, but the stream increases. Susan

gets up, tries to help.

SUSAN:

Somebody get some napkins. Dallas,

help me.

DALLAS:

I'm not touching hinu

(realizing he's on camera)

I mean, I'm not really qualified.

Evan's hair IGNITES.

SUSAN:

His hair's on fire!

Dallas runs off.

BRUCE:

(casual to an amazed news

staffer)

You know, he does have a certain

pizazz about him.

66.

Susan reaches for a water pitcher, as a crew man steps in and

BLASTS Evan's head with a fire extinguisher. Evan is in

shock, his face now white.

The screen cuts to a "PLEASE STAND-BY" title card, then cuts

to an episode of "Dragnet."

ON BRUCE - It's fun to be God.

MUSIC UP/MONTAGE UP

EXT. FAIR GROUNDS - DAY

Bruce is bored off his ass, interviewing some BLUE HAIRED OLD

LADIES at the Mark Twain chili cook off.

BLUE HAIRED LADY

(talks so slow you want to

kill yourself)

My secret is I let the jalapeno's

marinade in a spicy sauce for over

24 hours before I--

We see Bruce's pained face, realizing what horrible news this

is, when he gets an idea and SCHWWWWWAAAAAAM!11 AN ASTEROID

CRASHES to earth behind them.

BRUCE:

Hold that thought, Hazel!

(Bruce walks back toward

the explosion)

It seems some type of meteor or

asteroid has, by chance, hit the

earth right behind the Mark Twain

Chili Cook Off. . .

EXT. SKY - DAY

Bruce is free-falling in full sky diving uniform.

BRUCE:

. . . So remember, it's sky diving

season at Old Pete's airfield.

(grabs the ripcord)

This is Bruce Nolan..

(gives it a tug, doesn't

budge)

My rip cord appears to be a bit

stuck.

Bruce yanks again harder, nothing, then again and the cord

rips free from the suit.

67.

BRUCE:

This is a very unfortunate turn of

events. I'm heading toward the

earth at a very precarious speed...

The cameraman pops his shoot and we see Bruce continue to

stream toward the ground below. He falls into a wooded area.

A CAMERA ON THE GROUND picks up the coverage, runs through

the brush with other BYSTANDERS to find Bruce laying on top

of a BIG, HAIRY CREATURE.

BYSTANDERS (O.S.)

He's okay...What's that?...It's

Bigfoot!...Bigfoot broke his

fall!. . .

Bruce stands groggy, points to a dazed Bigfoot.

BRUCE:

Ah ha! You are real!

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - DAY

Bruce sits watching a hockey game on TV. He follows the puck

intently with his eyes, as though controlling it's path.

GOAL, SABERS! THE CROWD ROARS!

CUT TO:

G O AL , S A BE R S! TH E C R OW D R OA R S!

CUT TO:

Grace sits aside him, working on the photo album.

GRACE:

Do you believe how they're playing?

(beat)

Oh, honey, would you hand me the

scissors?

Bruce diverts his attention, when the Sabers screw up and the

crowd GROANS. Bruce immediately turns, looks intently at the

puck and GOAL, SABERS! THE CROWD ROARS!

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - MORNING

CLOSE ON - BRA CLASP

Grace's B*OBS ARE EVEN BIGGER. Bruce is trying to help her

fasten her bra, but it's a good three inches from touching.

Bruce shrugs "got me."

68.

EXT. BUFFALO ZOO - DAY

Bruce is doing a report just outside the Pandas' enclosure.

BRUCE:

In the past, zoo officials have

been unable to get these Panda's to

mate, but that doesn't seem to be a

problem today.

REVEAL A MALE PANDA wholeheartedly humping another PANDA.

BRUCE:

And the mood seems to be catching

o. . .

n

WIDE SHOT of the enclosure - PANDA'S are coupled off and

humping everywhere. Mothers are frantically covering

children's eyes, ushering them away from the exhibit.

QUICK CUTS OF DIFFERENT NEWSCASTERS ON TV

NEWSCASTER:

His stories are all over town...

NEWSCASTER #2

...from unearthing Jimmy Hoffa...

NEWSCASTER #3

...to an asteroid crashing to

earth. Bruce Nolan is rapidly

becoming known as. . .

EXT. BUFFALO - DAY

A BILLBOARD being put up with a big smiling Bruce with arms

extended. It reads: "Mr. Exclusive".

INT. HOCKEY ARENA - NIGHT *

A close up of Bruce on the Jumbotron. *

ANNOUNCER *

Ladies and Gentlemen, please *

welcome Mr. Exlusive, Bu ffal o's *

own, Bruce Nolan. *

Bruce starts SINGING THE MOST AMAZING GOSPEL SINGER/JAZZ *

VERSION OF THE NATIONAL ANTHEM ANYONE HAS EVER HEARD. *

BRUCE *

Oh, say can you *

seeeEEEEeeeeeEEEEeeeee... *

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