Bruce Almighty Page #6

EXT. NIAGARA FALLS - CONTINUOUS

Like popping out of a coma, Bruce surges in. Surprisingly,

seems very up and fine.

BRUCE:

Thank you, Susan 1 Bruce Nolan here

aboard the Maid of the Mist at

Niagara falls.

INT. SMALL WONDERS DAY CARE - CONTINUOUS

GRACE:

Thank you, God.

25,

INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

JACK:

(sighs relief)

Thank God.

Jack pats the Director's shoulder, heads out of the room.

EXT. NIAGARA FALLS - CONTINUOUS

BRUCE:

First off, "I want to add another

congratulations to Evan Baxter.

It's good to see what someone with

real talent can accomplish when

great opportunities are given to

him instead of me.

(still smiling)

Anyway, I'm here, I believe with

Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me,

why did you toss the blue "heart of

the ocean" jewel over the railing

of Titanic?

The Old Woman doesn't know what to say.

BRUCE:

Did you feel guilty at all letting

Leonardo Decaprio freeze, while you

were safe floating on the big door?

Do you think he would have survived

if you had taken turns, or were you

too afraid to freeze your big fat

ass off?

INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Jack rockets back into the room.

JACK:

Did I just hear..?

BRUCE:

Well, I guess that's the way life

works, isn't it? Some people are

drenched, freezing to death, on a

stupid boat, with a stupid

umbrella...

(heaves the umbrella)

while others who aren't fit to kiss

my willy, are sitting in a nice,

comfy news room, sucking up all the

glory111

26.

INT. SMALL .WONDERS DAY CARE - CONTINUOUS

GRACE:

This isn't happening. This isn't

happening...

EXT. NIAGARA FALLS - CONTINUOUS

Bruce takes off walking, the camera follows.

BRUCE:

Now, lets speak to the owner. Come

on in here, Bill.

Bill shakes his head "NO" as Bruce pulls him into frame.

BRUCE:

Bill, you.'ve been running the Maid

of the Mist for 23 years. Tell me,

why do you think I didn't get the

anchor job?

BILL:

Hey, man, I don't want any--

BRUCE:

Do you think it's my hair?

(Bruce messes his hair

like crazy)

Maybe my teeth aren't white enough?

Or like the great falls, is the

bedrock of my life slowly erroding

underneath me.

(moving closer to camera,

to an inch away)

Erroding. Erroooding.

Errodiiiing...

INT. NEWS ROOM - DAY

All work has stopped. Stunned staffers stare at the monitor.

INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Jack stands with his jaw dropped, snaps out of it.

JACK:

Alright, cut the feed! Cut to

black if you have to.

CONTROL BOOTH OPERATOR

I'm on it.

27.

EXT. NIAGARA FALLS - CONTINUOUS

Bruce is now licking the camera lens. He steps back and

signs-off. Smooth as silk.

BRUCE:

I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness

news. Back to you f***ers 1

INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM - .CONTINUOUS

Susan Ortega stares frozen blankly into camera.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

Bruce is TOSSED OUT THE FRONT DOORS, his box of possessions

spilling on the ground. Bruce FLAILS at the building.

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

Bruce carries his box to his car, when he HEARS A NOISE.

A street GANG is hassling the HOMELESS SIGN GUY. Pushing him

around, breaking and painting over his signs.

Instinctively, Bruce walks over.

BRUCE:

Hey, come on guys. What are you

doin'? Just leave him alone.

They turn, look at Bruce, laugh and head off. Bruce helps

the Sign Guy up, looks after the Gang.

BRUCE:

Yeah, you'd better keep walkin'.

They stop cold, turn back to Bruce and CHARGE AT HIM. Bruce

attempts to run, but they leap on him in a big dog pile,

swinging and kicking.

Bruce is left with a bloody lip, lying beside his car. We

hear the sound of smashing glass and scratching metal and the

gang running off. Bruce slowly gets up.

Reveal Bruce's car, WINDOW'S SMASHED, PAINT SCRAPED and the

word "HERO" KEY SCRATCHED ON THE DOOR.

BRUCE:

B-e-a-utiful.

(looks up)

(MORE)

28.

BRUCE (cont'd)

Just what you get for trying to

help someone.

Bruce gets in, pulls out of the parking lot passing the

Homeless Man who sits beaten up holding a scrawled out sign

"LIFE IS. JUST"

BRUCE:

Get a clue, buddy.

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Bruce is pacing, holding an ICE PACK to his swollen lip.

GRACE:

Thank God you're alright.

BRUCE:

God, yeah. Let's thank God.

Thanks for everything, Lord. I am

so honored that my horrible demise

is a part of your loving and

mysterious plan.

GRACE:

Bruce, don't talk like that.

BRUCE:

Oh, don't worry, he's not

listening. If he is he doesn't

care. Have you seen the news

lately? We got gangs, we got

drugs, we got corruption. What

kind of God lets that happen?

Every time we cure a disease he

comes up with a new one!

(goes into God character)

Yeah, is this the lab? Yeah, it's

God. They've just come up with a

treatment for syphilis down there.

I think it's time to release the

tainted monkey. Oh, and there's a

guy in Ohio who's praying for

strength and wisdom, blind him and

cut off his legs.

GRACE:

So God is torturing us?

BRUCE:

Think about it, Grace. God is all-

powerful . He could fix everything

in five minutes if he wanted to.

(MORE)

29.

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