Bruce Almighty Page #8

Pers onnel Rm. 7

Ac coun ting Rm. 7

Security Rm . 7

Creativ e Rm. 7

VOICE (O.S.)

You're looking for room 7.

Bruce turns to see a JANITOR mopping the floor. He looks at

Bruce's wet leg, offers the mop.

JANITOR:

Want me to even those up for you?

34.

BRUCE:

(feigns a smile)

How would I get to room 7?

JANITOR:

That'd be on the seventh floor.

Stairs are right over there.

BRUCE:

What about the elevator?

He points to an elevator bank a couple of steps away.

JANITOR:

Out of order.

Bruce heads for the stairs.

JANITOR:

You mind giving me a hand with this

floor?

BRUCE:

What? Yeah, I mind.

He continues on.

SEVENTH FLOOR:

The stairwell door opens up to a LARGE ROOM with a SINGLE

DESK at the end of an otherwise empty space.

Bruce hears someone tinkering atop a tall ladder extending

into a hole in the ceiling.

BRUCE:

Excuse me. Hello. I'm, ah,

looking for whoever runs this

joint...

MAN (O.S.)

Be right with y.a, just fixin' a

light. Tell me if it's working?

CLICK and an INSANELY BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT ILLUMINATES, shining

down blinding Bruce.

BRUCE:

Yep, seems to be.

(wiping his eyes)

Kinda bright, though.

35.

An electrician, silhouetted in the bright light, descends the

ladder.

MAN (O.S.)

Yeah, it is for most people. They

spend their lives in the dark...

As he talks he steps down next to Bruce and we see that it is

the SAME JANITOR.

JANITOR (CONT'D)

. . . thinkin' they can hide from me.

The two stand, angelically illuminated. Bruce tries to put

everything together.

BRUCE:

Oh, the elevator's broken, huh?

JANITOR:

Yeah, but I'll get around to it.

The Janitor CLAPS HIS HANDS TWICE and the light goes off.

BRUCE:

You installed a clapper?

JANITOR:

Nope. Catchy jingle, though.

(sings)

CLAP ON. CLAP OFF. CLAP ON, CLAP

OFF. THE CLAPPER.

(claps twice)

You can't get it out of your head.

BRUCE:

I gotta go.

JANITOR:

Okay, but the boss'11 be right out.

The Janitor unzips his uniform, revealing a very nice suit.

He extends his hand to Bruce.

JANITOR:

You must be Bruce. I've been

expecting you.

BRUCE:

Oh, this is hilarious. So you're

the boss and the electrician and

the janitor.

36.

JANITOR:

Nothin' wrong with rollin' up your

sleeves, son. People underestimate

the benefits of good 'ol manual

labor. There's freedom in it.

Happiest people in the world stink

like hell at the end of the day.

He strolls down the room, takes a seat behind the big desk.

JANITOR:

Your father knew that. He was a

damn good welder.

Bruce approaches the desk.

BRUCE:

How do you know my father? And how

did you get my pager number?

JANITOR:

Oh, I know a lot about you Bruce.

Pretty much everything there is to

know. Everything you've ever said,

done or thought about doin', is

right there in that file cabinet.

He points out a single drawer file cabinet.

BRUCE:

(sarcastic)

Wow, a whole drawer. Just for me?

Mind if I take a look?

JANITOR:

It's your life.

Bruce pulls the drawer and it FLIES OPEN, DRAGGING HIM THE

FULL LENGTH OF THE ROOM --

The Janitor casually pulls a file.

JANITOR:

Now this last entry was a little

disturbing.

He thumps the file cabinet with his fist and the drawer

dramatically sucks closed, DRAGGING BRUCE BACK. The Janitor

reads from the file.

JANITOR:

(reads, scanning)

Thanks for everything, Lord.

(MORE)

37.

JANITOR (cont'd)

I am so honored that my horrible

demise is a part of your loving and

mysterious plan.. The gloves are

off, pal.. Smite me oh mighty

smiter.

(aside)

I'm not much for blaspheming but

that one made me laugh. Oh, and

let's not forget "What kind of a

God would let this happen? I mean,

have you seen then news lately?"

Bruce stands, dazed. ·

BRUCE:

Who are you?

JANITOR:

I'm the creator of the heavens and

the earth. I'm the alpha & omega.

The first and the last.

BRUCE:

Sorry, it's not ringing a bell.

JANITOR/GOD

I'm God, Bruce.

BRUCE:

Oh, you're God. Well that explains

everything1 That's how you know

everything about me. That's how

you got up to the seventh floor so

quickly.

(placating)

Well, it's really nice to meet you.

Thanks for the Grand Canyon and,

ah, good luck with the apocalypse.

Bruce turns to leave, BUT FINDS HIMSELF WALKING RIGHT TOWARD

GOD AND HIS DESK. He tries again, and again.

BRUCE:

Okay, I don't know how you're doing

that, but I really gotta go. This

place is obviously rigged in some

way. We're on some freaky hidden

camera show.

(playing to the "cameras")

...for which I will not sign a

release, by the way! But you know

what, I'd be a little more

impressed if you didn't use the

cheesy file cabinet illusion.

(MORE)

38.

BRUCE (cont'd)

Everyone with a brain in their head

would know that the drawer is being

· fed through the wall from behind--

Bruce pulls the file cabinet from the wall, sees it has a

normal back.

BRUCE:

Okay. That's good. That's a good

one.

Bruce quickly puts his hands behind his back.

BRUCE:

Okay, God. How many fingers am I

holding out?

Bruce extends three fingers.

GOD:

Three.

He quickly pulls one finger in.

GOD:

Two.

Bruce begins switching fingers rapidly. God doesn't miss a

beat.

GOD:

Four. Nine. Six. Eight. One...

One final attempt, Bruce holds seven fingers.

BRUCE:

Okay, how about now.

He quickly pulls in two fingers.

GOD:

Seven.

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