Bucky and the Squirrels Page #7

Lawrence University.

Several questions remain.

After 50 years encased

in solid Swiss ice,

are the Squirrels still

capable of performing?

Will they be any good?

And are they headed

to stardom again

or simply headed to prison?

We'll find out the hard way.

I'm Steve Schmidt, ANC News.

Okay, 1...

1, 2...

(guitar plays, stops)

1, 2, 3, 4...

(offbeat dissonance)

Ow, ow, ow!

Okay, guys, stop.

Stop, stop.

Doug, Doug.

Doug, stop, stop.

Stop.

What's the matter?

Doug:
I'm sorry,

it was my fault.

I couldn't hold onto my...

I kept dropping my...

what do you call them?

Uh, the hitters.

Adams:
Yeah, drumsticks.

Doug:
You'd think I would

remember what they were called.

Yeah, don't be so

hard on yourself.

It's gonna take a while for

things to come back to normal.

Yeah, but you would think

that I would remember

what these are called because

I use them to play the...

Drums.

The drums.

I always forget

what the strum thing

is called.

But other than what's-his-name

dropping his whaddya-call-em...

Adams:

The drumsticks.

Bucky:
Drumsticks, right.

Other than drumsticks

dropping his hitters,

what's...

how do we sound?

Randy:
Yeah, Mort?

How are we soundin'?

Phil:
Is it good?

Okay, you guys want

the truth?

- Yeah.

- I'll tell ya.

Mort, can I just

have a word with you?

For one second?

Just, come on.

(whispering) They are very

fragile right now.

I'm fragile, too.

My ears are fragile.

I know, but they are

looking to you...

They're making me

nauseous.

They're not gonna

get it.

They're going

to get better.

You need to build them up,

not break them down.

Build them up.

Okay? Be nice.

Okay.

Guys, guys, look.

I've never

lied to you, right?

So I'm gonna be honest

with you now.

You need to practice.

Trust me,

you can only get better.

And I promise, I will get better

when I stop dropping the...

Randy:
Hitters.

The hitters!

The drumsticks!

Absolutely, absolutely.

Practice makes perfect.

You guys, keep playing till

I tell you to stop, okay?

Mort, they have more strings

than me.

You'll be fine.

You've got plenty.

Okay? All right.

You guys play.

I'm gonna go take

a leak, okay?

Okay, Mort,

thank you.

(softly) Which will be a lot more

entertaining than what they're doing.

I'm gonna go

with him.

Yeah, great.

(whispering)

What do you think?

I think they're going

to prison.

(offbeat dissonance)

They couldn't be worse

if they tried.

Well, they're trying.

Steve Schmidt,

ANC News.

Dr. Adams, how

would you assess

the Squirrels'

progress to date?

Uh...

I don't really feel

that I am qualified

to discuss things

that have music in them.

(dissonant music playing)

Mr. Fishbeck,

sounds as though

the boys are having

a tough go of it.

Really? Well, that shows

what little you know.

And what little you know,

you know even less.

They happen to be saving

themselves for the concert.

Well, there you have it.

From this reporter's

perspective,

if this concert

is as big a disaster

as it seems destined to be,

to quote the Beatles,

the Squirrels will have

"a ticket to ride"

straight to prison.

And my baby do care.

Phil:
I don't wanna go

to prison.

Steve Schmidt, ANC News.

(rock guitar plays)

Steve Schmidt, ANC News,

here in the beautiful

Stansbury Theatre

on the campus

of Lawrence University,

where we're just moments away

from the much-anticipated

Squirrels comeback concert.

Now, full disclosure.

The building is surrounded

by IRS agents.

They're also in the wings,

ready to take the Squirrels

into custody

should they not live up to their

alleged performance skills.

But we're just gonna

think positive,

focus on the Squirrels.

So let's talk to some

Squirrels fans right now.

Excuse me, sir, ma'am, what

brings you to see the Squirrels?

Well, I dated Bucky

when we were in college.

Yeah, and she still has a scar

from a hickey

that Bucky gave here.

Ohh!

That's enough.

That is enough.

For live news.

The energy

is just electric here.

It's just like

an electricity factory...

of fireflies.

Excuse me, miss,

what about you?

Me?

Yes. What brings you

to see the Squirrels?

Oh, God, um...

Okay, well,

basically,

I just wanted

to see people

that were like frozen and then

like brought back to life.

And also, I kind of

have this like crush

on Phil, which

I know is weird

because like if he

hadn't been frozen,

I mean, which he was,

but if he hadn't been,

he'd be like

my grandpa's age.

And I know that's

weird, but like...

Yay, Lawrence, right?

But Lawrence isn't

my grandpa.

That's the school here

that unfroze them.

And, um, I'm like

super nervous.

Hey, Mom!

Hey, Mom!

Man:
Ladies and gentlemen,

if you would kindly turn off

your cell phones

and all recording

devices.

This is it!

The moment of truth!

For the first time

in over 50 years...

lost, found, and defrosted...

(drum roll)

Bucky...

(cheers, applause)

Randy!

Phil!

And Doug!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Appleton's own

Bucky and the Squirrels!

( "Do the Squirrel"

CD playing)

Well, here's a brand-new

dance that's makin' news

Ooh-wah-ooh

So come on, come on,

get your dancin' shoes

Ooh-wah-ooh

Don't be shy

Give it a whirl

Grab your guy

Grab your girl

Shake your tail

We're gonna do the Squirrel

To the left, to the right,

You can do it all night

Do the squirrel

Move it back, move it forth,

to the south, to the north

Do the Squirrel

Groove to the rhythm,

let your feet get to it

Feel the beat,

anyone can do it

One, two, three,

come dance with me

And do the Squirrel

(crowd booing)

I don't understand

what's going on.

Not only does Randy

not do the Squirrel dance,

but on top of that, the guys

don't even look

like they're playing

their instruments.

I mean, we're gonna

keep an eye on things,

but so far, not so good.

(crowd jeering)

Move your hips

Twist and twirl

Grab your guy

Grab your girl

Shake your tail

We're gonna do the Squirrel

(crowd jeering)

To the left, to the right,

You can do it all night

Do the squirrel

(music stops)

(crowd heckling, jeering)

(booing)

This is exactly

what I was afraid of.

It's very clear

to this reporter

that these boys are simply

not ready to perform.

And frankly, I'm not sure

they ever will be.

The bad news

is that the Squirrels

are going to prison.

The good news is that

they'll have a minimum

of five to seven years

to rehearse.

You know I have a weakness...

(overlapping protests)

Mort:
We've gotta

get you out of here!

We're not just gonna

walk out.

You can't

go back out there.

The audience is gonna

eat you guys alive.

Can you blame 'em, Mort?

They came here for a show,

and that was not a show.

There's no way, Mort. They're

right, we're not leaving.

If we just walk away,

we'd be throwing away

everything we worked for,

and that would be giving up.

And we've never given up,

you taught us that.

Mort, Mort, we are never gonna

get another chance like this.

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