Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star Page #3

- Get out of here, you pervert!

- Get the f*** out!

Did I get the part?

Hey.

Hey, man. Pull your pants up.

What the f*** is your problem?

I don't know. I was doing what the guys

in the neighborhood told me to.

So this is a dare,

some YouTube bullshit?

No. I wanna be a movie star,

like my folks.

They were on camera

and they were nude.

And they helped people.

- Who the hell were your parents?

- Rosie Bush and Jim Spraysium.

The porn stars from the '70s?

- Are you serious?

- Yeah, for sure.

Look at the picture.

Holy sh*t, that is them.

Rosie Bush.

Damn, her bush sure was rosy.

That explains it, how you got

that thick Midwest accent.

I don't have an accent.

So you seriously wanna do porn?

You can't whip your dick out

at mac-and-cheese commercials.

You'll go to jail.

I don't wanna go to jail.

When I started out,

I used to direct some porno.

A lot of directors do it.

There's nothing weird about it.

My boy Dick Shadow's

having a house party tonight.

You can make

a lot of connections there.

People will trip meeting the son

of Rosie and Jim.

- A trip out?

- Do you wanna roll with me?

Yeah, I'll roll with you.

Actually,

I'm glad you wanna do porn.

At first, I thought you had some weird

mac-and-cheese fetish.

No, I don't use fetish cheese.

I use Velveeta.

Oh, you can't go this way.

They probably called the cops.

I've never ridden

in a convertible before.

This is something else.

Get the full experience, man.

Stand up, feel the breeze.

- Are you serious?

- Yeah, buddy.

Holy cow! That was wild, man.

Bucky,

I think you've got bugs in your teeth.

- No.

- You wanna scrape those off...

- ...before you get to the party.

- Oh, it's still moving!

This is the joint, Bucky,

the hardest, horniest party in town.

If you wanna be in the porn world,

you got to know the Shadow.

Shadows are so mysterious.

What's up, Ricky?

- What's up, guys?

- Where are you going, crackhead?

Yo, guys, he's cool. He's with me.

Your hands are like a bear trap.

- Any cameras or weapons?

- No, I don't--

Cool. Don't bite anybody.

Hi, how are you? Good to see you.

- Claudio.

- Hey

Hey, guys. How are you? Having fun?

Sushi?

"Sushi"? Is that with an "S"?

Sushi. All right.

Oh, it smells like--

Do you want some sushi?

No, thank you! No, thank you!

So, Dick Shadow.

Is that a family name?

Because it sounds like a superhero.

Well, in many ways,

I am a superhero.

Yeah, when I was a boy...

...I was 12 or so,

I was playing out in the fields.

The sun was so bright that day.

I was wearing these baggy shorts.

A bee flew up my trousers.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Sol panicked, right?

I took off my shorts

as fast as I could.

I stood there naked

from the waist down.

Well, where did the bee go?

Doesn't matter. He flew away.

But as I stood there...

...the wind blowing and the sun

beating down on my manhood...

...I saw a shadow before me.

It was gigantic.

Then I looked over

to the neighborhood girls.

And their mothers.

And they were standing there

in awe of my shadow.

And that's when

Randy Dooley died...

...and Dick Shadow was born.

Nothing grows in my cock shade.

Nothing.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Claudio. My man.

Dick Shadow.

Hey.

Ladies, why don't you take a break?

Give me a second

with my buddy here.

There's somebody I want you to meet.

You'll get a kick out of this.

Do you remember

Rosie Bush and Jim Spraysium?

Yeah, I think so. Married couple

from the '70s, talked like retards...

- ...never shaved?

- Yeah. This is their son.

He wants to get into porn.

Really?

So, what do you want to do?

You wanna be a lighting guy...

...or a fluffer?

No, a star.

Okay.

Well, let's see what you got.

Here I go.

I got about two bucks

and some Bazooka Joes.

It's a little warm, but it's chewable.

No, no. Let's see your stuff.

Oh, my-- My stuffs in my apartment.

Was I supposed to bring it?

No, your junk, kid. Whip it out.

Your dick, Bucky. Pull down your

pants. That's what he's talking about.

- Oh, my....

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Very impressive.

This is quite extraordinary, Bucky.

I think you've got quite a future

in this business.

- No.

- Yeah.

Can I borrow him for a minute?

I would just love

to show him around...

...and introduce him

to some people, okay?

Yeah, come on. No, I'm serious.

It's Miles Deep, the director.

How about I direct my dick

in your mouth...

...if you don't get

the f*** out of here?

Look, let me just go in there

for a minute and I can--

Wait. Wait. You son of a b*tch.

Party people!

Yeah. Let's stop the music, please.

I've got somebody very important

I want you to meet.

Now I've seen many porn stars

come and go...

...but this guy right here I just met...

...he's gonna be coming

for a very long time.

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I present Bucky Larson?

Hey, how are you?

Drop the pants.

Show them what you got, kid.

All right.

Did I mention he'll be starring

in lesbian porn?

No.

Somebody help him.

I'll save you, little man.

He really pushed you

In the pool like that?

What a jerk.

Maybe he thought

you were a walrus.

Yeah, and I can't swim good

without my water wings, you know.

You know, Dick Shadow's

the biggest star in the nude business.

You know, I mean,

what am I gonna do?

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

I've never heard of Dick Shadow...

...but I have heard of Bucky Larson.

Hey, Kathy.

There's a dead cat

in the woman's bathroom.

I need you to put it in my car.

I can feed it to my snake.

- Okay.

- Stop being difficult.

Excuse me.

Thought I overheard you say

something about the nude business.

Yeah.

Were you at Dick Shadow's party

last night?

Yeah, for a little bit.

- Are you friends with Dick?

- No, not exactly.

- My friend Claudio brought me.

- The director, right?

I'm a director too.

Miles. Miles Deep.

Wow, cool. Pleasure to meet you.

Bucky Larson.

- So did you go to Dick's party too?

- No.

The porn world is full

of f***ing degenerates.

My folks aren't degenerates.

They're the sweetest in the world...

...and they were gigantors

in the pornos.

Who were your folks?

Rosie Bush and Jim Spraysium.

- Farmer in the Smell?

- Yeah.

I worked on that movie.

Yeah, get right out of a creek.

I was a production assistant.

- Hell, they were the last real originals.

- I'll tell them you said that.

I knew I knew that accent.

Everyone keeps talking about

my accent, but I'm from America.

- Do you want to be on camera?

- Yeah.

I just bought a vintage camera.

Would you like to shoot

something tonight?

Yeah. I think I can do that.

Did you take Social Studies

in fifth grade?

- Yeah, for sure. I got a B.

- Yeah.

- The line by your thumb says B.

- No fooling.

- Is that guy retarded, Miles?

- No, Jimmy, you're retarded.

I told you, his parents were famous.

There may be a nostalgic market

out there.

Bucky, come on over here

and stand by the bar.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Nice, Gretchen. Really sexy.

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