Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star Page #5

It was the most e-mailed clip

of the week on youpube.net.

Yes, of course it was. This guy's like

Muppet with clown-flower spray-penis.

But this isn't porno, man.

Porn is to fantasies about the cock

you wish you had.

Or wish was in your wife's hand

or ass crack.

But it's also about the cock

you're glad you don't have.

I know it's different,

but this could be something...

...really groundbreaking.

J. Day, you got to give this a shot.

You know what?

I want to do several shots of tequila...

...black out, and forget I ever saw

the rat face and mouse pee-pee.

Listen, I'm really sorry, Miles.

What can I do?

- I'm sorry, buddy.

- Okay.

Take it easy, broheim. Relax.

Go home, wax your a**hole.

I feel bad turning my back on him.

But he's a mess with the pills and the

ex-wives and the:

- Are you into pills too?

- No, it's just a little Viagra.

I'm going to the mall.

Jeez.

Are you sure you wanna do this,

Miles?

My professor said you should

never invest your own money.

Yeah? And where is your professor?

In the classroom,

teaching a bunch of dick-divers.

I'm a f***ing artist

and the movies always come first.

Not money, not happiness,

the movies.

You know who knows that?

My first wife, my second wife...

...my fourth wife, and my ninth wife.

Plus, I just got approved for a loan.

What bank gave you a loan?

The bank of the Vietnamese mafia.

I just got off a night shoot.

I wrapped another movie like

an hour ago and I come right over.

You know, you should get some sleep,

though. Sleep is really important.

My mom said everyone

should have nine hours a day.

Nine hours would be good.

I love work, you know....

What the f*** are you doing?

- I was just trying to fix his hair.

- But who told you to do that?

- I thought--

- I don't give a sh*t what you thought.

I don't want him to look good.

I want him to look natural.

But he looks horrible.

Get the f*** out.

Get the f*** out.

- How are you feeling, Bucky?

- I'm good.

I think he was trying to be nice.

He was tired--

Who cares? F*** him.

He's getting paid.

I want to talk to you

about the scene we're about to shoot.

- Oh, yeah. Okay, good.

- Okay.

You're a paperboy. And you've been

delivering papers all day long.

And you're hot. And you're tired.

You've been up and down the streets,

throwing the papers.

And you need an ice cream.

Oh, boy.

What?

I never delivered a paper in my life.

I'm so sorry. I should have told you.

I just didn't even think.

I didn't have a paper route

in the neighborhood.

I mowed the lawns.

You want to make it lawn mowing--

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

Oh, God. I love it

that you care about the details.

- Yeah.

- Did we powder Blueberry's tits?

- Not yet.

- Well, why the f*** not?

Yo, fruit bat.

- Where the f*** are you going?

- What?

- I thought you said--

- F*** you, what I thought.

Powder her tits.

Do something right today.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Could you wait one second?

- For what?

- We're shooting a movie.

Who's the star, Judge Reinhold?

Is it a monster movie?

- And er-action.

- Oh, er-action. Bucky, go. Go, go, go.

Hey, ma'am, I got your paper.

You can leave the paper

on the counter.

- I got it right.

- I saw it.

Don't look at me.

I have a problem, paperboy.

Maybe you can help me.

I have a sundae...

...but it needs nuts and cream on it.

Oh, no. Here, let me help.

I'll just get my scooper out.

- That's it?

- It's average.

Boy, my sugar cones

could really use some air.

Cut! That was great, Bucky.

- It was?

- It was.

Do you got another one in you?

Good.

That was great. Good job.

Hi, Blueberry, do you need a rag?

I saw it come out,

but I didn't get any on me.

There's some on my shoe.

I wouldn't eat that.

Okay, you can walk now.

Thanks,

but I'm gonna send you a bill...

...for this bird poop on my shoulder.

So there it is. The future.

I wanted you all to see it first...

...because you're the best distributors

in the business.

And I value your opinion.

And we're looking

for a modest deal...

...foreign and domestic.

Any questions?

- Yeah, Eddie.

- Miles, are you f***ing kidding us?

- What?

- That didn't even get me half hard.

It actually got my dick

to go back inside me...

...and it's pointed towards

my stomach.

And it hurts.

It's a new style.

But Eddie, this is going to catch on.

How did he lose his penis?

Was it a hunting accident?

Miles, where'd you find a

buck-tooth dyke with a clit that big?

Unbelievable.

So that went good?

Who's taller?

He is.

Okay. All right, well, wait.

- Now, who's taller?

- He is.

Look, Bucky, I'm a parade float.

Oh, my gosh.

I don't know what those distribution

guys were talking about, Bucky.

I thought you were totally adorable

and charming in that paperboy movie.

Really? Thanks.

Yeah, I just got to keep on believing.

You know,

this town is really testing me.

Yeah. And you know what's funny?

Clowns?

Yes, but, you know, in your videos...

...you never actually have

sex with the girls.

Yeah, I've never really

done that before, so I don't know.

Yeah. No.

- Can I take a picture?

- All right. How's my hair?

Very good. Very good.

No way. I don't believe this.

I've seen all the sh*t In here,

but that is not real.

- Hi.

- Whoa, sh*t.

I'm sorry, man. You're real. Okay.

They pay you

to glue those chopsticks on?

- To glue what sticks?

- Baby, I don't think he works here.

I don't care. If those are real...

...then I gotta get a picture

with the beaver man. Here, watch this.

All right, leave it to my man, beaver.

Look at you, brother.

You could tear up a carrot.

Look at that.

Thanks.

Are my teeth really that weird?

No. Not at all.

They just have character.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Thanks, Kathy.

No. It cannot be.

Yeah, they're real.

You are him?

Bucky from the Internet?

You spray from your nest.

Yeah, that's me.

Your video was beautiful, inspiring.

It was such a big help to me

and my wife.

She had grown tired

of my Water Wiggle...

...but you renewed her joy in my rod.

- Thank you so much.

- Yeah, my pleasure. That's great.

Listen, I have a restaurant

called Chop.

It is an Italian steakhouse.

You come in,

I'll give you the meal of your lifetime.

- What?

- I know Chop.

You got nine-and-a-half stars

out of 10 in Restaurant Magazine.

The only Los Angeles restaurant

to do that in four years.

Their chef, Alfred DuPont,

flies in stone crab claws...

...fresh from Florida every day.

And he's also cultivated

the largest wine selection...

...in all of southern California.

And he's a Libra.

Wow, how do you know this?

I'm a food fan.

Kathy's like the best waitress

in the world.

Where do you work?

She's talking to a couple places.

You come in to Chop on Friday,

you ask for Dominic.

I'll see if we got any openings.

- Thank you so much.

- Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Bucky.

Wow, your head is full

of so many food facts.

But Bucky, I can't.

The old woman. I burned somebody.

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