Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star Page #6

Listen to me. That was an accident.

You can do this.

Come on, you can't keep working

in that stupid diner...

...getting tipped in Monopoly money

and belly-button lint.

I know it's hard, but I'll help you.

We can do this.

Okay.

- Video or the teeth?

- Teeth.

Oh, no, no. We gotta have six or eight

of those before you get the fire started.

What's the big whoop-de-doo,

Miles?

Bucky.

Hey. Hey, what's the deal

with your roommate?

You can't talk on the phone

for more than 20 seconds...

...or else he'll burn your pubes off?

Oh, Yeah, I know. Gary just had

a rough day. He's got diarrhea.

You keep pubes.

Anyway. Great news.

We set up a link so that people

could buy our latest piece of work...

- ...and guess what.

- What?

It's selling like a mofo.

Hot dog.

Not only did we make

all of our money back...

...the Vietnamese guys have offered to

finance a couple more pictures for us.

- No fooling?

- F*** fooling.

You were right.

You were born to be a star.

This is-- I gotta call my folks.

I have to tell Kathy. I'm gonna

call Kathy? My gosh. And my folks--

You do that and we're going to party.

- Oh, sh*t.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.

Where the f*** do I put my

grapes now, you insensitive bastard?

I'm an old lady and I love soup.

- I did it.

- You did it! I knew you could!

Bucky!

There you go.

Enjoy the brain sparkle.

- Next.

- We are just so excited to meet you.

I mean, for so long,

our relationship was really off.

It was just sh*t.

My boyfriend's

got a really small dick.

Like, no meat on it.

And it really bothered me.

I was kind of used

to being with guys...

...with big-to-huge d*cks

before I met him.

I thought d*cks

were supposed to be like that...

...with fatness and length

and whatever.

When Allen would ask me to blow him,

I was like:

"Keep that f***ing gross niblet

away from me."

But then when I saw your dick...

...it was like a rebirth,

a new beginning.

I watched the whole video

and I thought...

...maybe I do have something great

with Allen after all.

Compared to you, he's gigantic.

I mean, you make me look

like I got a big dick.

So anyways,

we've been f***ing a lot.

And I can't ride his dick

because I always fall right off.

But he's been dogging me

and I don't know, I can kind of feel It...

...or it's his pubes bumping up

against my sandbar, but whatever.

At least we're doing it, connecting.

Just, thank you.

Yeah. Thank you.

Changing lives.

Our next guest went from

being an Internet sensation...

...to getting the most nominations

in the history of adult film.

This should be good.

Please welcome Bucky Larson,

everybody.

No! You f***ing prick!

You don't look like

the average porn star.

Oh, yeah,

because I'm wearing a sweater.

Blueberry's with me.

Bucky.

Another shot, Bucky.

Bucky....

It's Bucky.

- Is that him?

- Hey, Bucky.

God, he's here.

Miles.

It's great to see you, Miles. Hello.

Your vision with Bucky?

I didn't see it, but you did.

You turned a Tic Tac

into a gold mine.

- Well, here he is.

- Hey, how are you?

Hello, it's great to meet you.

- Hello, beautiful.

- Hello.

Yes, you can have a seat here.

Be my guest.

And you know Rosie Bush

and Jim Spraysium.

- Of course.

- Bucky's parents.

Hi, how are you?

Your movies were like

my Batman growing Up.

- How sweet.

- Batman? That's swell. I love Batman.

- Have a seat.

- Thanks so much.

- Hey, Dick. Good to see you again.

- Good to see you too.

Congratulations on winning

Best "Newcomer."

What? Are we late?

Did we miss an award?

- No, no, but you'll get that one.

- How do you know?

That's the only award I can't win.

- Who's the pretty girl?

- Oh, this is Kathy.

She's my girl.... Neighbor.

Friend. She lives by me.

I like her a lot. She's a girl. Lady.

I'm Bucky's girlfriend.

Welcome to the 15th annual

Adult Film Awards.

And here's your host,

Pauly Shore.

What? I love Pauly.

The first award is

Best "Newcomer."

Which is great

because it's something you get...

...before the herpes

and hep-C kick in.

- I got herpes!

- I got hep-C!

And your nominees

are Steven Storm.

- Mike Thunder.

- Yeah, Mike!

Jeffrey Lightning.

And a new kid who's making

quite a splash around here lately.

Bucky Larson.

And the winner is....

Holy sh*t, Bucky Larson.

I've never held a trophy before.

Or given a speech.

I want to thank my director,

Miles Deep, for making my movies.

And for saying

I could be a paperboy...

...when I swear I've never delivered

a paper in my life.

Also...

...to my girlfriend, Kathy.

Who made sure

I didn't sleep in the bushes.

And to my folks.

You are my inspiration

and my heroes.

I thought I was going to bag groceries

till I was grey in the hair.

But you showed me

that you can have dreams.

And that dreams can make

your downstairs explode with magic.

Thank you. I love you so much.

Okay. That's out of the way.

Now is when I cast my shadow.

And the award for

biggest load goes to....

Bucky Larson!

Everyone In Iowa, I love you!

The award for Best Bush goes to....

Come on.

Bucky Larson.

I told you not to shave completely

down there.

You have too many moles.

To my roommate, Gary,

who always said:

"Don't sh*t where you shower."

Am I in the f***ing Twilight Zone?

- Bucky Larson!

- Bucky Larson.

- Bucky Larson.

- Bucky Larson.

- Bucky Larson.

- Bucky Larson.

- Bucky Larson!

- Best taint is...

...Bucky Larson.

This is wild stuff, man. Exciting.

I don't even know what a taint is.

But if I have the best one,

that's because of my mother.

Bucky. Buck.

You're not nominated for best tits.

Come with me.

- I want you to meet some people.

- Okay. Are you gonna be all right?

- Yeah. Yeah, go do your thing.

- Are you sure? I'll be right back.

- Quite a night.

- Yeah.

This is crazy.

So tell me...

...a guy like Bucky,

what are his tricks?

- What do you mean?

- You know, in the bedroom.

He's gotta have something

up his sleeve.

He surely doesn't have anything

in his pants.

Well, that's Bucky's

personal business...

...and I don't really think

it's any concern of yours.

So you don't even know?

You two haven't...?

In that case, I really think you need

to spend a night in the shadow.

I'm already in the shadow.

The shadow of the 11 awards

Bucky's won tonight.

He's already tied your record, right?

And I believe we have

one more award to go.

So thanks.

I don't care what they said. I have

the best taint and everybody knows it.

And now for the winner of the

most prestigious award of the night.

Male Genitals of the Year.

And the winner...

...and the new record-holder

of 12 Adult Film awards....

Bucky Larson!

So I asked Miles

if he wanted to hang out...

...but he said he got an eight ball.

So I guess he's gonna go play pool.

So it's pretty cool that we both

won awards on the same night.

What do you mean, "we"?

I didn't win anything.

Oh, yeah, you didn't hear?

What the heck is this?

Open it.

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