Buddy Solitaire Page #7

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IF YOU NEVER WANT TO

SEE ME AGAIN, I GET THAT.

YOU'RE GOOD, BUGG.

YOU'RE FUNNY.

DON'T LET THE FAC THAT I'M A PIECE OF SHI TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU.

BUDDY, I NEED YOU.

COMING.

OH, THERE YOU ARE.

WHAT THE HELL?

-I THOUGH I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE!

-LOOK, I HAVE AN IDEA.

JUST DON'T GIVE ME

THE "WRATH OF KHAN"

FOR JUST ONE SECOND

AND LISTEN TO ME.

-THESE STUDENTS

ARE GOOD AT COMEDY.

YOU SHOULD DO A SHOW.

YOU DO IT HERE.

YOU INVITE THEIR FAMILY.

YOU INVITE THEIR FRIENDS.

LOOK, THEY GET SOME LAUGHS,

IT'LL FEEL GREAT,

BELIEVE ME.

IT'S GOOD FOR SOCIAL SKILLS

WHICH IS WHAT YOU WANTED--

BACK OFF!

I WON'T BE AROUND.

-YOU DON'T HAVE TO

WORRY ABOUT ME.

I'LL THINK

ABOUT IT, OKAY?

THANK YOU.

STOP F***ING

CALLING ME, MOM.

WE ALL KNOW HIM.

DOING TWO SETS TONIGHT,

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

FOR BUDDY SOLITAIRE.

HEY, BUDDY.

I RECENTLY TOOK A JOB

TEACHING STAND-UP COMEDY

AT A PSYCHOLOGICAL

COUNSELING CENTER.

HI.

GOD, I LOVE COMEDIANS.

I LOVE "CHUCKLE F***ERS."

OKAY, WHATEVER.

WAIT, I AM GONNA

GIVE YOU A BLOW JOB.

-I'M GONNA LET YOU.

-OKAY.

LET'S SEE WHA YOU GOT IN HERE.

-OH, YEAH.

-STOP.

YOU GOTTA HAVE:

SOMETHIN' BETTER TO DO.

-COME ON.

-SERIOUSLY, STOP IT.

-NO, I'M REALLY

GOOD AT THIS.

-I'M SURE YOU ARE.

IT WILL BE BETTER

FOR YOUR SELF-ESTEEM.

GO.

COME ON, UP.

GO.

-F*** YOU, A**HOLE.

-OKAY, YOUR DAD'S GONNA

THANK ME FOR THIS.

DON'T YOU TALK

ABOUT MY DADDY.

-'COURSE IT'S FAKE.

TYSON, HI.

YOU HAD A GOOD IDEA

ABOUT THE SHOW.

OH, THANKS.

THEY'RE TELLING JOKES

ABOUT THEIR LIVES.

IT'S QUITE INSPIRING.

HEY, TELL 'EM

I SAID HELLO, OKAY?

-OF COURSE. THANK YOU.

-BYE.

LET'S HEAR

"POLAROID PICTURE"!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

NO.

QUITE THE EXIT, HOUDINI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

-GO HOME, MOM.

-COME HOME WITH ME.

I'LL FIX YOU DINNER.

-I CAN'T BE DAD ANYMORE.

-WHO YOU GONNA BE, THEN,

FREUD?

I GOTTA PAY YOU:

BY THE HOUR?

YOU'VE BEEN TAKING THIS

OUT ON ME FOR YEARS.

-IT'S F***ED UP, MOM.

-YOU WANT TO SEE

F***ED UP?

YOU'RE SUCH A PIECE OF SH*T,

YOU SWEAT FECES.

WHAT'S THE MATTER

WITH YOU?

NO ONE EVER:

WANTED YOU AROUND.

NO ONE!

YOU WERE WORSE THAN

A GIRL BABY IN CHINA!

YEAH.

YEAH, LET'S DO THIS.

YOU'RE SO UGLY THA WHEN YOU WERE BORN,

YOUR MAMA NAMED YOU

"SH*T HAPPENS."

-NO!

I DIDN'T MEAN

TO HURT YOU.

I DIDN'T MEAN IT.

-I LOVE YOU.

-I KNOW.

OH, PLEASE DON' LEAVE ME, PLEASE.

PLEASE.

SURE YOU WANT TO

DO THIS, BABY?

YES, MA'AM.

WHATEVER HAPPENS, YOU KNOW

I'M PROUD OF YOU, RIGHT?

I CAN'T WAIT.

HI THERE, HI THERE.

I AM TYSON YEE.

YOU KNOW ME AS:

THE HEAD COUNSELOR HERE,

AND I WILL BE:

YOUR HOST TONIGHT.

OH, WELCOME TO MAPLE HILL'S

BIG SHOW!

NO PRESSURE.

UP FIRST, WE HAVE ZOE.

UH, I'M NOT VERY

GOOD AT JOKES,

BUT HERE GOES.

WHEN I WAS LITTLE,

I WANTED TO BE A DOCTOR.

NOW I NEED A DOCTOR.

SOMETIMES WHEN I

TELL PEOPLE:

I DID DEMOLITIONS

IN THE MILITARY:

THEY'RE LIKE,

"WOW, WAS IT FUN?"

AND I'M LIKE,

"FUN?

I DEFUSED BOMBS ALL DAY.

THE LAST THING I WANT TO BE

DOING IS HAVING A BLAST."

I HAVE EXTREME ANXIETY.

SO I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS

IN FRONT OF A CROWD.

BUT I'M EVEN MORE

NERVOUS IN FRONT OF

THESE CROOKED LIGHTS.

FIRST JOKE, PERSONAL.

MY EX-HUSBAND BEAT ME

AND MY DAUGHTER.

PAIN.

IT HURTS.

SECOND JOKE, PERSONAL.

I HATE MY EX-HUSBAND.

PAIN.

I BURNED DOWN HIS HOUSE.

UP NEXT, WE HAVE OUR VERY OWN

BUFORD "BUGG" JACKSON.

YOU GOT THIS.

I-- I'M BUGG.

-I'M SORRY, SORRY. SORRY.

HEY.

DON'T APOLOGIZE.

JUST GE YOUR FIRST JOKE OFF.

IT'S OKAY.

I INVITED HIM.

I USED TO BE ASHAMED

OF BEING DIFFERENT.

BUT NOW I'M NOT.

I HAVE TWO VOICES

IN MY HEAD.

ANY MORE AND WE'D BE

A WALKING GANG.

ONE IS THE MOS INTIMIDATING BLACK DUDE

THAT YOU'LL EVER MEE IN YOUR LIFE,

AND THE OTHER IS A 70-YEAR-OLD

CHURCH WHITE LADY.

SO I'M PRETTY MUCH COVERED

FOR ANY SITUATION

THAT YOU CAN:

POSSIBLY THINK OF.

IF SOMEBODY CUTS ME OFF

IN TRAFFIC,

THE BLACK DUDE:

IS LIKE, "HEY, HEY, HEY!

FORGET YOU, MAN!

OL' JIVE TURKEY.

YOU SEE THIS BICYCLE."

AND IF I'M EVER

GROCERY SHOPPING,

THE WHITE CHURCH LADY PRETTY

MUCH HAS ME COVERED WITH,

"EXCUSE ME, SIR.

I KNOW YOU'RE BLIND, SO YOU

PROBABLY DIDN'T SEE THE LINE,

BUT IT STARTS BEHIND ME.

THANK YOU.

GOTTA GET THIS WINE

TO CHURCH COMMUNION."

THANK YOU.

YOU WANT TO DO:

A SET?

OH, NO, NO.

I'M GOOD, THANKS.

COME ON.

WHO AM I?

WHAT'S HE DOING?

OUR ASSIGNMENT, DUMMY.

I'M BUDDY SOLITAIRE.

I'M HANNA BALES'S SON.

MY MOTHER WAS MY HERO

GROWING UP.

I PROBABLY WATCHED

HER "LETTERMAN" SE THOUSANDS OF TIMES.

WHICH IS ABOU HOW MANY TIMES THIS WEEK

SHE'S CALLED ME

"A COMPLETE PIECE OF SH*T."

THE PHYSICAL ABUSE

WAS BAD.

SHE WAS EITHER:

HITTING ME TOO HARD

OR HUGGING ME TOO CLOSE.

WE'RE KIND OF LIKE

NORMA AND NORMAN BATES

FROM "PSYCHO"...

EXCEPT WE NEVER HAD

A FUNCTIONING SHOWER.

SHE'S MY MOM.

THE ONLY FAMILY I GOT.

SO WHATEVER I FEEL

FOR HER,

I REALIZE I GOTTA LE A LOT OF THAT SH*T GO,

BECAUSE IF I DON' I'M NOT GONNA MAKE ANY ROOM

IN THE FUTURE:

TO MEET--

TO MEET NEW PEOPLE.

AND THAT HAS BEEN

AWESOME, GUYS.

I TRULY MEAN THIS.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

IT'S SO NICE, SO--

EXCUSE ME, SORRY.

VANESSA, PLEASE.

TALK TO ME.

THAT WAS GREAT.

YOU SHOULD BE PROUD.

THAT MEANS A LOT.

BUDDY, WE DON'T WORK.

-WE JUST DON'T.

-THAT'S NOT TRUE.

WE CAN'T FIX EACH OTHER.

I HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF.

OKAY?

OKAY.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

GOODBYE.

OKAY.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC

PLAYING]

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