Bunny and the Bull Page #5

Do you think she looks sexy?

S.

How dare you? She's only 23.

Get the hell out of my bar, filthy pervert.

Que haces, Javier?

A small amount for medicinal purposes.

Que no deberas beber.

Te lo dijo el doctor.

The doctor!

Maybe I could get you a lime and soda.

Yes, that would be very lovely.

Very refreshing on a hot day like today.

Which one of you is making

the bulls and cows with my sister?

That's me, matador.

It's been a long time since anyone

called me this. But it's true.

I once dreamed of becoming

a great matador.

But...

sadly...

Gored in the leg.

I fell back onto a coffee table.

Right.

Only you English call it fighting.

For us in Spain, it is a dance.

A dance?

You see, when the matador

enters the ring with the bull,

there is a moment when

everything disappears,

and the bull looks up at the matador,

and the matador looks down at the bull.

And the bull rises up onto his hind legs,

grabs the matador close

with his silver hooves,

and for a moment they dance...

in only the way a bull and a man

can dance.

Yes, my friend.

It's not a fight. It is a dance.

I thought the main attraction

was the sight of a defenceless animal

being stabbed repeatedly with a sword.

It is a peculiar dance, I'll give you this.

But it is a dance, nevertheless.

Let me show you something.

This belonged to Juan Belmonte,

the greatest bullfighter who ever lived.

He tried to retire many times.

But he could not stop.

Even on his 69th birthday,

he still wants to face the bulls.

He asks his friends to bring him one.

But they fear he will be killed

and so they make excuses.

And they bring him a small one.

They say, "Juan...

all the big bulls, they are sick."

But he knows in his heart...

his life as a torero is over.

So this night...

he drinks 3 bottles of wine...

makes love with 2 womans...

takes a gun...

and he shoots himself.

This is what it means to be a matador.

Can I try it on?

Maybe in 10 years, when you have

faced a thousand bulls.

Then you'll come back,

I open the cabinet,

and you can maybe touch...

the hem of the inside pocket.

Will you teach me?

No.

Hip flask of tequila?

Meet me in the car park at midnight.

Because of the complicated techniques

involved in bullfighting,

it can take up to 10 years

to become a fully-trained matador.

Unfortunately, we only have 10 minutes,

as I have to pick up my auntie

from the airport.

I know what you are thinking -

we have no bull.

Well, think again.

Now, much has been written

about the art of bullfighting.

But I can sum it up in one sentence.

"Get out of the way of the bull, you idiot!

Otherwise he will rip open your anus,

like it was a cheap Velcro wallet."

I will now become the bull.

What are you doing?

Use the cape! F***ing idiot!

What are you,

a child in a swimming pool?

Cover his head! Eloisa!

Eloisa, go and get your auntie.

She's at Terminal 4.

I've been wanting to say thank you

for the St. Christopher.

Yeah, I... I sort of guessed

it wasn't from Bunny

when he tried to put it

in a slot machine.

Well...

you're welcome.

Thank you.

So... where do you see

this thing with Bunny going?

Well...

I don't think Bunny is the sort of person

you really make plans with.

Yeah.

You know...

Concita always said

I should sleep with 12 people.

And Pawel was number 12.

That's why I stayed in Poland,

even when I found out that he was a...

donkey-f***ing prick.

But then...

I start to think

that maybe Concita's not right.

Maybe she is just scared of number 13.

Maybe I'm scared of number 13.

Maybe.

Anyway...

I realise, once I get over number 13,

I can start looking again.

Bunny is a perfect number 13.

I should go and find Bunny.

OK.

Buenas noches.

Good night.

Hey.

Hey.

Put it back.

If you want to be a bullfighter,

you've got to dress like one.

I'll put it back when I've done it.

You're not going to fight a bull, Bunny.

I most certainly am. Why not?

Because it's dangerous

and cruel and insane.

I don't want to kill it.

I just want to have

a little dance with it, yeah?

It's not the bull I'm worried about.

OK?

Why are you always beefing on

about this?

Just trying to stop you doing something

that could get you seriously hurt.

No, you're not. You've been boring

my tits off since Switzerland.

You used to be fun.

What the hell happened to you?

Yeah, well...

There is something.

Finally. Come on, then.

I'm in love with someone.

Yeah, I know. Melanie.

No, not Melanie.

Someone else.

Right.

Yeah...

Man. I'm sorry, Stephen.

I guess it's a...

bit awkward.

I know.

I mean, I'm flattered.

What?

I'll do snogsies for the wank bank, but

I've got to draw the line at penetration.

- That's so messy.

- It's not you, Bunny!

Thank God!

You're not just saying that?

Not everyone wants to

sleep with you, you know.

Or are you so profoundly...

- You know what? It doesn't matter.

- No, go on. You're on your high horse.

You may as well talk down to me

while you're up there.

Can you name one thing you've ever

done for anybody other than yourself?

Yeah, loads.

Go on, then.

Not off the top of my head.

Thank you.

At least I do something.

At least I didn't spend 3 years

mooning after some girl

who isn't even that good in the sack.

What?

Well, yeah.

You spent so long banging on about her,

I thought I'd better give it a go.

Let me tell you,

I was severely disappointed.

You're not missing out on

anything there, buddy.

You're unbelievable.

Do you know what? I'm f***ing sick

of being patronised by you.

If I wanna borrow this suit,

then I will, OK?

If I wanna fight a bull, then I will.

And if some hombre's caught your eye,

then just man up and tuck in.

No-one's gonna judge you here, dude.

This is Spain.

Let's all just do what we want, shall we?

Deal.

Melanie?

Hey, dude. Hope you're cool with this.

Just doing what I want.

Sorry.

There was nothing I could do.

She just went for him.

Dirty girl!

Hey, we both wanted to do this.

She real slut.

Chill out, dude.

Just do what you want.

Stephen.

Everything all right?

Hang on. I've got my foot

caught in your panties.

Nice penis.

Thanks.

No, I mean it.

Good size, good weight.

It's much better than Bunny's.

Right... that's good to know.

What's your problem?

I'd rather not think about him right now,

at this particular juncture.

What?

Let's just f***, OK?

OK.

Here goes.

Bunny.

- Bunny!

- Right, that's it.

It's coming out. Yeah, funny.

I'm just kidding.

Really, Stephen...

this is nice.

Yeah?

Yes.

Dude.

Dude!

Dude.

So you finally got your balls in.

What?

God.

Yeah, Bunny, look, I'm really sorry.

It just happened. I didn't mean...

Well, I did mean for it to happen,

but I should've spoken to you...

Hey, it's fine.

It's not as if she's my girlfriend.

Really?

Yeah.

It's what we came here for, isn't it?

Proud of you, man.

Thanks.

Hey... that's what

friends are for, dude.

Bunny?

Why is your face so close to mine?

What you talking about?

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