Bye Bye Birdie Page #4

then it's gotta be right

Oh, baby

Oh, honey

Hug me

Ah, suffer

In everything I do

Why, my sincerity shows through

Yeah, when I look you in the eye

I don't even have to try

It's automatic

I'm sincere

When I sing about a tree

Listen, why

I really feel that tree

Yeah, when I sing about a girl

I really feel that girl

I mean, I really feel

Sincere

Why, if you're really sincere

If you're really sincere

If you feel it in here

then it's gotta be right

Oh, baby

Oh, honey

Hug me

Ah, suffer

Yeah, here we go now

Why, you gotta be sincere

Oh, you gotta feel it here

Oh, my baby, oh, my baby

Oh, yeah

Oh, my baby, oh, yeah

Go, girl, go

Ursula! What are you doing?

Are you gonna be sincere

Are you gonna be sincere

Yeah

Are you gonna be sincere

Are you gonna be sincere

Yeah

We love you, Conrad

Oh, yes, we do

We love you, Conrad

And we'll be true

When you're not near us

We're blue

Oh, Conrad, we love you

Randolph, your father's warned you.

It you make another bomb,

you'll get spanked.

- It was an accident, Mom.

- Now, get this stuff out ot here.

Doris! Doris!

Doris, what's going on here?

Harry, where have

you been since supper?

In plenty of trouble, that's where.

But I'm not now. No, sirree.

You kids go home before

I sick the constable on ya!

Go on! Get that carnival

off my front lawn!

I'll show them who's boss.

Harry McAfee's not going to be

pushed around by any roll and rocker.

- Harry, they'll hear you.

- Let 'em hear me!

- Put those chemicals away and go to bed.

- Yes, Papa.

We're in trouble.

He can't stand Conrad living here.

Especially around

his pretty young daughter.

She's still under the magic spell.

Dear little Conrad certainly

has a devastating impact.

He might make a terrific soldier.

Turn him loose and the enemy

will twitch itselt to death.

I don't care.

I've changed my mind.

My daughter is not going to be

publicly kissed by that... that wiggler.

The deal is off.

But, dear, you know these adolescents.

Kim will lose face.

It I don't get rid of that Birdie,

that's not all she'll...

Hear this. I have decided that bunch

of grafters is getting out of here.

That is the unshakable decree that

I have made as head of this household.

- So you go upstairs and tell them.

- Me?

How can I tell Mr. Peterson

and that nice Miss DeLeon?

Nice? I know that show business crowd...

probably living in sin.

Harry Lionel McAfee!

I never told you, but one summer

I worked tor the circus.

- Oh, those midgets, wild.

- Not another word.

She's been engaged to Peterson

for six years. Don't tell me they...

- We were engaged for tive years.

- He's not as stupid as I was.

- Are you stupid, Pop?

- Find out for yourself!

That's the trouble

with kids today! Lazy!

Will you go up? Get up to bed!

Oh, Harry, they'll be gone

day atter tomorrow.

I'm a peace-loving man,

a good father and husband.

And the result?

The home I hewed out of this wilderness

with my bare hands is no longer mine.

Tonight I had to wait

until 6:
00 for my supper.

And that Peterson grafter, running up

my phone bill with long-distance calls!

- He offered to reimburse you.

- I don't take Diners Club cards!

Then that snake in a gold suit insists

on parking in my beautiful living room.

- Do you know where I've just been?

- No, dear.

To a meeting with the big boys,

Kelsey, Judge Blanch, Joe Kipp.

My biggest customers. They don't approve

of this kind of notorious goings-on.

Darling, they put pressure on you?

If I don't cancel this whole Birdie

deal, they'll starve me out of business.

- Oh, my heavens!

- It's them or us.

- What happened?

- Are you all right?

- What's wrong?

- It was just Randolph's chemicals.

No, a mixture ot iron sultide

plus two parts H2SO4.

Smart boy you have there. It isn't

every lad who can make a stench bomb.

- Which brings me to Mr. Birdie.

- Mr. Peterson is really a biochemist.

- I couldn't care less.

- I have one formula, a secret.

It's miraculous because it increases

the work output of domestic animals.

- Now about this Birdie.

- It speeds up the reflexes.

An ox, for instance,

could outrun a racehorse.

By adding in his tormula,

a hen will lay three eggs a day.

Three eggs a day? It that's so,

you could make a million times...

I've been nursing

this compound for years.

- Still needs more tests, but it works.

- Aren't you in farming?

- He's McAfee Fertilizer.

- Oh, yes.

- Been in it tor 20 years.

- Really?

But I may be out if...

It you and Albert got together,

you could revolutionize farm production.

Would you like a demonstration?

Do you have a hen?

- How about trying it on that?

- A tortoise? I don't know.

Sure! It won't bite.

Here. Let me.

Ot course, there isn't

much demand for turtle eggs.

But if it really works

on farm animals...

maybe you and me

could do some business.

I'll sure need something it I let Kim

go through with this Birdie stuff.

Some of Harry's customers

are against it.

Yeah, and so I've decided

it's absolutely out of the question.

Your neighbors are just

going to be thrilled...

when they see the two of you

on The Ed Sullivan Show.

The Ed Sullivan Show.

- We were saving that as a surprise.

- Yes, a surprise.

Me on Ed Sullivan?

Oh, I'd die. What would I wear?

- We'll find something.

- Gee, Ed Sullivan.

He's my favorite human.

That's why I decided to let Kim go on

in the first place.

Me on The Ed Sullivan Show?

Ed Sullivan

Me, Harry McAfee appearing with

Ed Sullivan

We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan

How could any family be

Half as fortunate as we

We'll be coast to coast

With our favorite host

We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan

I've got a wonderful wife

Two swell kids

a good business and now this

Someday we'll recall

The greatest day of all

Ed, I love you.

Hello?

Oh, yes. Harry,

it's the mayor. He sounds mad.

I'll handle this.

Yes? Yes, Mayor?

Yes, the boys talked to me.

Yep, I've decided.

Birdie stays right here...

and Kim's on TV.

And what's more...

I'm gonna be on the show, too,

with Eddy Sullivan.

Now, listen, Harry. You saw what

that crazy galoot did at the reception.

It was a disgrace.

Look, Mayor,

you're gonna be on TV too.

They want you to make a speech.

They want me on Ed Sullivan?

A short speech.

Why, sure!

I could become

a statewide tace.

It's a deal, Mayor.

Sure I'll plug you up tor governor.

Bye, Sam.

What a hambo.

Well, it's been a long day,

so I think we'll...

I'm thinking of calling them "Speed Up."

You like it, Mr. McAfee?

"Feed up with Speed Up."

I love it, partner.

- How will Randolph catch his tortoise?

- Just give him one of these.

Hi, Mr. McAfee.

Gee, I just wanted to thank you.

My dad said you're not letting Kim

go on TV and kiss that... that.

It can't be true. You wouldn't

destroy Kim, your own flesh and blood!

Sure he would.

A father has a right, right?

Hugo, my daughter's old enough

to make her own decisions...

so I've decided to let her do it.

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