Caddyshack Page #2

I can't pay you. Lou has to.

Where is he?

He's out.

I can see he's out, numb nuts!

Give me a Coke.

Wait a minute! That's only 50 cents!

Lou raised the price of Coke.

He's been losing at the track.

Well, I ain't paying no 50 cents

for no Coke!

Then you ain't getting no Coke!

You've had it, Noonan!

Come on, open this door!

Watch it, jerk!

Come on out, Noonan!

What's going on?

Open up. Come on.

Sure you don't need me for nothing?

I think you and I ought to go outside

and have a little talk.

My friend, you have no idea how happy

this is going to make me.

I'm going to enjoy this thoroughly.

I hope that means both of us.

Couldn't we just arm wrestle

or something?

That's my brother! Give me a hand.

Whip his ass, Tony!

Now, who did you say the jerk was, jerk?

What is this?

What does the sign say?

"No bare feet."

What does that sign say?

"No fighting."

What does it mean?

No fighting.

You owe me one gumball machine!

What's that candy wrapper doing there?

Don't you see it?

Well, pick it up!

I'll put it right on the line.

There have been a lot

of complaints already:

Fooling around on the course,

bad language...

...smoking grass, poor caddying.

If you guys want to get fired...

...if you want to be replaced by golf carts,

just keep it up.

One announcement.

Carl Lipbaum died last week in summer

school from a severe anxiety attack.

I heard he swallowed his vomit

during a test.

However it happened, he was a good caddy

and a good kid.

He was a brownnose, Lou! You hated him.

Shut up! That means the caddy

scholarship is available again.

Anyone who's interested

should go see Judge Smails.

And kiss his ass!

That would help.

Let's move out. We've got golfers waiting.

You! Pick up that blood.

What kind of grades do I need

for this Caddy Scholarship deal?

If you've been a good caddy,

I think they're lenient.

We're about to tee off now...

...so call the hospital...

...and move my appointment

with Mrs. Bellows back 30 minutes.

Just snake a tube down her nose

and I'll be there...

...in four or five hours. Testing now.

Don't you have homes?

There's a brown Audi parked

in my parking space.

Get a tow truck over here

and have it hauled away immediately!

Look at the wax build-up on those shoes!

This is fine leather!

I want that wax stripped off!

I want them creamed and buffed

with a fine chamois.

I want them now!

You've got them, Judge!

Get dressed. You're playing golf today.

No, I'm not, Grandpa! I'm playing tennis!

You'll play golf and you'll like it!

What about my asthma?

I'll give you asthma!

What did you shoot today?

I don't keep score, Judge.

How do you measure yourself

with other golfers?

By height.

You should play with Dr. Beeper

and myself.

I mean, he's been Club champion

for three years running...

...and I'm no slouch, myself.

Don't sell yourself short, Judge.

You're a tremendous slouch.

Have you heard the latest one...

...about the Jew, the Catholic

and the colored boy who went to heaven?

That's a doozie, Judge!

Colored boy?

You son of a b*tch! I'll fix you!

Here you are, kid. Park my car,

get my bags...

...and put on some weight, will you?

Hey, Wang! What's with the pictures?

It's a parking lot! Come on.

I think this place is restricted,

so don't tell them you're Jewish.

I'm AI Czervik.

I'm playing with Drew Scott today

and this is my guest, Mr. Wang.

Give me half a dozen

of the Vulcan D-tens...

...and set my friend up

with the whole schmear.

You know, clubs, bags, shoes...

...gloves, shirt, pants.

Orange balls! I'll have a box of those...

...and give me a box of those

naked-lady tees.

This is the worst-looking hat I ever saw!

You buy a hat like this,

I'll bet you get a free bowl of soup.

It looks good on you, though.

Judge Smails, Smails the Third,

Dr. Beeper and Bishop Pickering.

Who wants it?

I'll take Smails if nobody wants him.

Brownnose!

Motormouth, take Dr. Beeper.

John, you take the Bish.

This is ridiculous. Let me carry that.

No. I can do it.

-You sure?

-Yeah.

Madonna with meatballs!

Turds!

How many times have I spoken to you

about your language?

Sorry, Grandpa, I forgot.

Bishop Pickering, Dr. Beeper,

this is my niece, Lacey Underall.

Lacey's mother sent her to us

for the summer.

It must be a nice change from dreary,

old Manhattan.

Yes. I was getting really tired

of having fun all the time.

Double turds!

So where do we tee off?

We're all set to go.

You know my friend here, don't you?

Are we waiting for these guys?

Hey, Whitey! Where's your hat?

Let's go while we're young!

Do you mind, sir? I'm trying to tee off.

I bet you slice it into the woods.

A hundred bucks!

Gambling is illegal at Bushwood, sir,

and I never slice!

Damn!

Okay! You can owe me!

I owe you nothing!

Judge Smails, sir, can I talk to you?

You want your driver?

No, he's not my type.

Hey, that's a joke! I'm kidding.

Give me the driver.

All right, place your bets! Here we are!

Don't count that! I was interfered with.

What did Mr. Webb shoot this morning?

He doesn't keep score, sir.

I know, but just guess. 80? 75?

More like 68, I think.

I don't believe it.

Why don't you improve your lie?

Yes, yes. Winter rules.

Fore!

Fine shot.

I should have yelled two!

Why don't we walk this off, sir?

What have you got in here, rocks?

Are you kidding? When I was your age...

...l would lug 50 pounds of ice up five,

six flights of stairs!

So what?

So let's dance!

Now, what the devil?

The man is a menace!

Cut that off!

Music is a violation of our personal

privacy! He's breaking the law!

I've always been fascinated

with the law, sir.

Really? What areas?

All areas. Personal privacy,

noise statutes....

I'd planned to go to law school

after I graduated, but...

...my folks won't have enough money

to put me through college.

The world needs ditchdiggers, too.

Nice try.

"Great big gobs of greasy,

grimy gopher guts."

How about a nice, cool drink, varmints?

Scum, slime, menace

to the golfing industry!

You're a disgrace. You're varmints.

You're one of the lowest members

of the food chain...

...and you'll probably

be replaced by the rat.

Well, I have been pushed.

It's about time somebody

teaches these varmints...

...a little lesson about morality...

...and about what it's like to be a decent,

upstanding member of a society!

Come to Carl, varmint.

I guess we're playing for keeps now.

I guess the kidding around

is pretty much over.

I guess it's just a matter...

...of pumping about 1 5,000 gallons

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote