Caddyshack Page #3

of water down there...

...to teach you a lesson.

Is that it? I think it is!

-You guys are brothers?

-Yeah.

Is this a family business, or what?

They say for ltalians this is skilled labor,

you know that?

No, actually, I'm a rich millionaire.

My doctor told me to get out...

...and carry golf bags

a couple of times a week.

You're a funny kid. What time

are you due back in Boys Town?

Albert Einstein gave me this.

Nice man.

He made a fortune in physics.

I'll tell you, son. My main satisfaction...

...is working with young people

like yourself at our new Youtheran Center.

Why don't you drop by some time?

I've often thought

of entering the priesthood.

Are you Roman Catholic?

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you can't come.

Go for it.

You know, I've often thought

of becoming a golf club.

Not bad, huh? I'll have 2,000 more units

in the next two years!

I bet they'd love a great shopping mall

right here!

Condos over there! Plenty of parking.

Country clubs and cemeteries...

...are the biggest wasters

of prime real estate!

Dead people? They don't want

to be buried nowadays. Ecology, right?

Ask Wang. He'll tell you.

We just bought property...

...behind the Great Wall. On the good side!

I want a hamburger.

No, a cheeseburger.

I want a hot dog.

I want a milkshake.

You'll get nothing and like it!

Stop it. The judge will see you.

Are you going out with me tonight?

Yes. To my room? I've got to work

in the dining room tonight.

Come work with me. You can bus tables.

I've never done that.

It's easy. You fill the water glass,

replace the butter.

If they drop a fork,

you give them another one.

I don't think I can handle that.

Put me down for five.

If I can just make this one....

A thousand bucks you miss that putt!

Of all the nerve!

I did not throw it--

If you didn't, how the hell did it get here?

It slipped!

What's the problem?

He almost killed my wife

with his damn club!

It was an accident!

It slipped out of my hands.

I noticed your grips were worn.

I should've mentioned it before.

I could put some "stick-um" on there

for you. It's my fault.

That's a good idea.

Next time be more careful!

Kids! Look, I'm terribly sorry

this happened.

I'll pay for your lunch

and I'll pay for the umbrella.

I'll see you at the table. I'll sign your card.

Thanks for helping me back there.

You're a good caddy.

Something to be very proud of.

Do you know we're giving

another caddy scholarship this year?

I heard, but my grades in school

weren't that outstanding.

There are more important things

than grades.

Winning the caddy tournament,

for instance...

...might look pretty good

on a young fellow's application.

I'm sure going to try.

This is for you. Tell Ty Webb

I'm gunning for him.

If he's as good as he says he is,

he's got to play me to prove it!

I will, sir.

License to kill gophers by the government

of the United Nations.

Man...free to kill gophers at will.

To kill, you must know your enemy.

In this case, my enemy is a varmint,

and a varmint will never quit.

Ever! They're like the Viet Cong.

Varmint Cong!

So what you have to do,

you have to fall back...

...on superior firepower...

...and superior intelligence.

And that's all she wrote.

Are you going to eat your fat?

You're looking lovely this evening,

Mrs. Smails.

You'd be interested to know

this uniform was given to me...

...by the Captain of the Links

of St. Andrews in Scotland.

They invented the game there,

but they call it "gof"...

...without the "L" as we do.

I think I have enough butter.

Right. If you need any more....

So when Mona died last winter,

I said to myself:

"Al, if you keep busting your hump 1 6,

"...you'll end up with a $60-million funeral! "

Doll, could you scare up another round

for our table?

And tell the cook

this is low-grade dog food.

Here, take this for yourself.

I had better food at the ballgame!

I tell you, this steak still has marks

where the jockey was hitting it.

Anyway, today I just stick to real estate.

With the market these days,

if you own anything but land...

...you own a popcorn farm !

Oh, did somebody step on a duck?

Ain't that right, sir?

The graveyard is two blocks

to the left, okay?

Dog food? I'll show him dog food!

Hey, where's the bar?

Let's have some drinks here.

Waiter, here, this is for you,

all right? Oh! Captain Hook!

How about the grand you owe me?

Forget about it. I'm just kidding.

This is your wife? A lovely lady.

Baby, you're all right.

You must have been something

before electricity.

Hey, doll, how are you? You live alone?

Hey, Rabbi, nice seeing you.

Folks, how are you?

And this is your grandson, huh?

Oh, wonderful boy!

Yeah, he's a good boy.

Now I know why tigers eat their young.

The dance of the living dead!

I know why you came here tonight.

Why?

That girl. Listen, I'd put that idea right out

of your mind.

She's been plucked more times

than the Rose of Tralee.

Biggest whore on Fifth Avenue, I'm told!

Pay no attention to that bush

moving around there by that tree.

It's just a bush.

Don't even look twice at it.

Nothing to be alarmed about.

This looks like it could be gravy.

I smell varmint poontang.

The only good varmint poontang

is dead varmint poontang...

...l think.

Ty, there's someone you must meet!

AI built our condo in Palm Beach.

I need a drink. Nice meeting you.

I think someone is giving you the big eye!

Hey! Can you make a bullshot?

Can you make a shoe smell?

Very funny. Why don't you get yourself

a real haircut? Here, take this.

What people here! Look at that one.

The last time I saw a mouth like that,

it had a hook in it!

So what brings you to this nape

of the woods...neck of the wape?

How come you're here?

Daddy wanted to broaden me.

In this place? Good luck!

What do you do for excitement?

Oh, l...play a lot of golf.

Golf? Nixon plays golf.

I bet you have a lot of interesting stories...

...about your ball landing in the road.

So what do you do?

I enjoy...skinny-skiing...

...going to bullfights on acid....

I'll bet you've got a lot of nice ties.

What do you mean?

You want to tie me up

with some of your ties...Ty?

I've got a good idea.

Let's pretend...we're real human beings.

Freeze, gopher!

Who is that disgusting man over there?

I tell you, I never saw

dead people smoke before!

A guest of the Scotts.

What do you say we bust up this joint?

You two should get a room, you know?

Ringo, play something hot, will you?

And you guys...take some more lessons!

Judge, give someone else a chance!

You lucky devil!

Come here, honey! And loosen up!

You're a lot of woman, you know?

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