Caddyshack Page #4

You want to make $14 the hard way?

You! You! You're no gentleman!

I'm no doorknob, either.

I never want to see that man here again!

Wait up, girls.

I've got a salami I've got to hide.

I told you! Today is the day

we change the holes!

Go do it now! No more slacking off!

I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner...

...and I'll fill your bagpipes with Wheatena!

Man in a boat overboard.

You beast!

You savage.

Come on, bark like a dog for me.

Bark like a dog! I will teach you

the meaning of the word "respect" !

I've just got to win that caddy tournament!

I owe it to my folks to get that scholarship.

Why do you want to go to college?

I don't know.

Let me tell you a story.

I once knew a guy who could've been

a great golfer. Could've gone pro.

All he needed was a little time

and some practice.

He decided to go to college instead.

He went for four years. Did pretty well.

At the end of his four years,

his last semester, he was kicked out.

You know what for?

He was night-putting.

Just putting at night...

...with the 1 5-year-old daughter

of the Dean.

You know who that guy was?

No.

Take one good guess.

Bob Hope.

No, that guy was Mitch Cumstein...

...my roommate.

He's a good guy. Don't be obsessed

with your desires, Danny.

The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote:

"A flute with no holes is not a flute...

"...and a doughnut

with no hole is a Danish."

He was a funny guy.

You missed just that one.

In one physical model of the universe...

...the shortest distance between two points

is a straight line...

...in the opposite direction.

Unbelievable!

Thank you very little.

You're on the tee!

Nice form.

Good luck, sucker.

-Sh*t!

-No, no! Nice shot! Right on the beach.

Okay, Danny, this is for the Gold.

You ain't got it today, Noonan.

Excellent round, son!

I'm having a party at the Yacht Club

this Sunday.

I'm christening my new sloop.

What are you doing this Sunday?

-No plans.

-Great!

How would you like to mow my lawn?

I figured a college-bound fellow

could use a few extra dollars.

And when you're finished...

...why don't you drop by the Yacht Club?

Smile!

How about we go swimming?

I don't have the swimwear.

Besides, I've never swum.

I'll teach you.

Why don't you come on in

and help me sort my holy cards first?

Now...Maggie's pants.

Hey, Bigfoot, don't trip in the water!

That's it!

You put your suit on!

You shave your ass!

Hi, Maggie. How was it?

How was what?

I guess it couldn't have been

that great, then.

A lot you f***ing know, D'Annunzio!

All right. Stand up!

All right! Okay!

She's incredible!

Hi, Mama.

Hey, you guys, cool it!

I mean it!

Want some?

Give me some.

Who asked you?

Come on! I'm asking.

Hey, thanks a lot!

Stop that, you two! All of you!

I want you out of that pool at once!

I don't want to see another caddy body

in this pool!

Did you understand what I said? Out!

Take your hands off her, young man!

Put your clothes back on!

Out! Didn't you hear me?

Doodie!

Don't touch it!

Spaulding! No!

Doodie!

If you find anything

that doesn't look like it....

I want the entire pool scrubbed,

sterilized and disinfected!

There it is!

It's no big deal!

Well, hello! Surprise, surprise!

-Are you busy?

-No, come on in.

Go ahead. It's nothing.

I tried calling, but there is no listing

for "Mr. Wonderful."

What spelling did you use?

Sorry about this mess.

Let me just clean up here.

I'm getting ready for the season.

Duck?

No, no. Dolphin.

Would you like a drink?

Tuna Colada, perhaps?

Anything. Who's your decorator,

Benihana?

No, I brought most of that stuff

back from Vietnam.

You were in the war?

Uh...no.... Homo.

Much better now, though.

Here's an uncashed check for $70,000.

Keep it.

There's a bunch of them ! And a summons.

It's yours.

Pretty pathetic, Ty.

Pathetic? Maybe for you, Lacey.

For me, there's a subtle perfection

in everything I do.

I've got my own standards, my own way.

My uncle says you've got a screw loose.

Your uncle molests collies.

And you're rather...

...attractive for...

...a beautiful girl with a great body.

Sing me a love song.

I'm going to.

This stuff is terrible.

It's good. You don't know how to do it.

How do I do it?

I'm going to show you.

"l was born to love you.

"l was born to lick your face.

"l was born to rub you...

"...but you were born to rub me first."

Let's go onto the...patio.

You know what this is called in the East?

It's the "big rub."

You're very...small-breasted.

No, I was kidding.

I'll work my way down.

This is the lsle of Wight.

Careful. I'm going to move

right down the Ticonic Parkway...

...over to your clavula....

Will you get serious?

That's a very "in" thing to say.

Ow! That hurts!

You're blocking!

Just hold on to your choppers.

I'll just get a little more oil.

Now I've done it. You get that way from....

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's like reaching under the rug.

You're crazy!

That's what they said about Son of Sam.

You know something else?

I'm a very qualified acupuncturist.

Don't even think about it!

I'm just going to eat these.

I want you to know about it.

It's like acupressure but it's acupuncture.

The slightest prick

and you wouldn't even know--

I'll kill you!

No, I did not do that.

You feel looser?

I feel like $1 00.

Will you forget the massage...

...and just kiss me, you fool.

Hey, what kind of sh*t is this?

It's the best, man. I got it from a Negro.

You're probably so high already

you don't even know it.

He looks like Dick Cavett.

Hey, save me a toke!

Got to do my "doctor" thing.

All right, everybody,

it's time to christen the sloop!

Come along, children. You can shake

your booties down on the dock.

Ahoy, polloi. What did you just come from,

a Scotch ad?

Eat it, Spaulding!

My, what a nice looking young man!

You're from Bushwood, aren't you?

He's not a member, Grandma.

He's a caddy!

Judge Smails invited me at the Club.

Of course. You're the young man

who wants to be in the Senate.

Well, you two look like a couple of boogies.

Why don't you just scamper along now?

May I escort you out, ma'am?

Hold on, son. Are you trying to make time

with my best girl?

I want you to meet Chuck Schick.

He's clerking for me this summer...

...until he passes the bar.

See you on deck, Senator!

I'm going to law school, too.

Really? Are you going to Harvard?

No. St. Copius of Northern....

Where?

Hey, Cary Grant. You want to get high?

Wait a minute! I've only got a little.

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