Caddyshack II Page #7

Jack, we tried the spiritual approach

and it didn't work. It's not your fault.

But this is the latest biomechanic,

ergonomic, kinaesthetic,

state-of-the-art teaching technique.

You'll like it.

Get rid of that wicked slice.

Let's try it.

OK, let's try one.

That's getting better.

Perfect!

- Good morning, Mrs Esterhaus.

- Don't "Mrs Esterhaus" me, you idiot.

You blew up my Rolls-Royce.

It's difficult. In my line of work you

learn it's the details that kill you.

Just make sure that next time

there aren't any screw-ups.

I'm playing this man in a golf match

and I don't intend to lose.

You won't.

OK. These are six mercury-filled,

steel-jacketed dum-dum golf balls.

Feel the weight on this little sweetie.

This is a high-tensile strength

titanium driver,

which in the hands

of a trained professional

will definitely redefine

the term "handicap".

Oh, yeah, look in the eyepiece.

Go ahead. Feel free.

I've set up a simulation. See?

Watermelon hanging from those gallows.

Yes.

Let's just say that that watermelon

represents the head of your problem.

All right?

OK.

Now, sir, if you would please...

keep your eye on the fruit.

Keep your eye on the fruit.

Keep your eye on the fruit.

- Good.

- Good?

- Good.

- Good?

It's better than good. It's gone.

Now, listen,

I want to be very clear about this.

Follow the match closely,

but stay out of sight.

Do nothing, unless you my signal.

OK.

But should my opponent start to win

I will tip my cap.

Speaking of tipping, there is the

as yet unattended to matter of my fee.

- I'd like it deposited there, please.

- What's this? A Swiss bank account?

It's the combination of my locker

at the Greyhound bus station.

How elegant.

I hope this is the last time we have

to meet like this, Mr Sanderson.

My sentiments exactly, Mrs Esterhaus.

Ladies and gentlemen,

let's get ready to rumble.

Gentlemen,

these are the rules of the match.

It's a Scotch twosome. Each partner

hits the other partner's ball.

For those of you unfamiliar

with this type of play,

it's a little like tag-team wrestling.

Only you can't do this.

None of this. Or this.

Now, fewest strokes wins the hole.

Most holes wins the match.

- Fine.

- Australian winter rules.

You may improve your lie in the rough if

you can roughly prove you're not lying.

If your ball goes in the water

you may go in after it,

but only if it's been 45 minutes

since you last ate.

- Are you quite finished?

- Not quite, no.

- Largest shoe size has the honour.

- Anybody beat a 12D?

- I can, but I'm out of this.

- So?

- So I guess you're up.

- OK.

May the best man win.

And if that doesn't happen,

I hope Jack and Harry pull this off.

Wish I could stay, but I got a thing.

Bye.

- Knock 'em dead, Harry.

- Come on, Harry.

Straighten up!

Yeah!

If you have to have a partner

you're the partner to have.

Great.

These clubs are terrible!

Here we go.

I know. I know! Be the ball.

Be the ball. Be the ball.

Swing for the fences.

He's sliced it.

Stay out of the woods.

Stay out of the woods!

- Stay out.

- Look out!

There's my objective.

He's no threat. Nice duds though.

Sure hate to mess 'em up.

This is gonna be an easy one.

One quick stroke,

I'll bounce him and be out by sundown.

Easiest money I ever made.

Hmm. How the hell

am I supposed to concentrate

with smurf like that walking around?

You did that on purpose.

Naughty! Naughty!

I may have to put you in the duck suit,

and your little dog, too.

Ah-ha!

Hey! Hey! Who the hell sent you.

You little subversive vermin.

Whoo! Whoo! Legal matter coming through.

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

You getting the sh*t kicked out of ya?

How's it goin'?

Terrible. I'm hungry

and have to go to the bathroom.

No, I mean the game. What's the score?

Ah, we're losing.

They're six holes ahead.

I was starting to get used

to country club life.

What do you say

we try something different? Come here.

But the green is over there.

You have the worst slice

in the history of golf.

Might as well go with it.

Ha-ha!

- See that?

- Thank you. Thank you.

And I thought this was a hard game.

I got you now, you little furry freak.

You're not going to get away from me.

Scrambling around.

I know you're in there.

He's close.

You're close, aren't ya?

Just a few feet away.

Mocking me.

Ain't a gopher alive

that's a match for an ex-Marine.

- Shh!

- Here we go.

- Come on, come on, come on!

- Yes!

Chandler, what's going on? You were up

seven holes, now he's won the last six.

- You promised he couldn't win.

- He can't win if he doesn't finish.

- Harry. Hi.

- Is your dad gonna be happy to see you.

Yeah. How's the match going?

It's all tied up

with this last hole to go.

- Do you think you can win?

- We got the momentum.

Yeah. Yeah, I think we're gonna win.

OK, little gopher. Hey.

It's your friend Tom.

I gotjunk food.

Everybody loves mass-produced

cream-filled pastries.

They're good.

I was just trying

to get your attention before.

Come on.

They're good. Huh?

Very subtle, Mrs Esterhaus.

I read ya, loud and clear.

Whoo!

That hurts.

I think it was a big mistake

tipping that arrow head with poison.

- Don't hit it long.

- Gotcha.

No, no, wait. Don't hit it short.

OK, right in the middle there

is where I want to go.

Wait, hit it long but let it go short.

Well, it's not long.

But it's short.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

You...

Come on, hit me. Huh? Come on, hit me.

Come on, hit me!

Nya! What's up, doc?

Seems that cream

always rises to the top,

doesn't it, bag boy?

Well, girls, once we win this hole

this place will be back to normal.

Kate, we might even be able to make it

in time for Bunny's brunch.

Would you excuse me?

Kate, I've decided that

you mustjoin my sorority.

And I know that the Kappas

are just going to love you.

There's only one thing? Would you

consider changing your name?

Maybe take out the "ounian" and shorten

it to Kate Hart. Isn't that great?

Wait a second.

What is wrong with my real name?

Nothing. It's just that it sounds so...

So what?

Kate, you want people

to think that you belong.

I do belong... to a family.

Well... if you want

my honest opinion, Kate,

I think that your family's

really embarrassing.

And I'm really happy

that I'm not a part of it.

Yeah, so am I.

What? What?

Miffy, you are a stupid,

superficial, snotty little b*tch.

Oh, really? Really, Kate? Oh!

Whatever! What... Ow!

Well, Jack,

I guess it's come down to this.

Whoever sinks their putt wins the match.

Frankly, I'm not worried.

Chandler, could I talk to you

for a moment?

Look, I don't know much about golf,

but I do know the difference between

a 50-foot putt and a two-foot putt.

It's always been my experience

to go with the guy closer to the hole.

- You're my kind of guy.

- Thank you.

- Can I give you some friendly advice?

- Yeah, all right.

- Have you tried putting with a wedgie?

- A wedgie?

Yeah. Oh, it's great.

All the pros are doing it.

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