Caffeine Page #7

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No, no.

You don't understand.

You don't understand,

p*ssy!

You and me

are going outside.

You can either walk out,

or I can drag you out

by your hair.

I've got cancer.

What?

I've got cancer.

So, you know,

back off.

[Clears throat]

He says he does the ironing.

Can you believe that?

He puts on my underwear

and does housework.

What am I supposed

to make of that?

Well, that doesn't

sound so bad.

At least he's clean.

Yeah, brilliant.

My ex-fianc

is a filthy

disgusting slob.

I'd have been happy for him

to wear gimp outfit

if he'd do the washing up

once and a while.

Really?

Why is he your ex?

He couldn't handle

the whole commitment thing.

Thanks.

We got engaged

because I practically

forced him into it.

He used to wake up

in the middle of the night

having palpitations

and nightmares

about castration.

Eventually, we accepted

he just wasn't up to it.

The thing is,

I was always trying

to change him.

I guess I was trying

to mold him into what

I wanted him to be,

instead of just accepting

him for who he was.

Now I'm back to being

alone, having to go

on blind dates with idiots.

I don't believe

you told him

you have cancer.

Where were you?

The guy was about

to rip my head off.

What was I

supposed to do?

To tell him you have cancer,

that's just sick.

Do you think

I've cursed myself?

F***ing freak.

I should sort him out now.

Oh, just leave it,

Mark.

Come on,

let's get out of here.

I'm not coming.

Don't start this sh*t now.

I mean it.

I am not coming.

I'm fed up

of this macho bullshit.

The possessiveness,

the jealousy, the paranoia.

What are you talking about?

You've got a lot

of growing up to do.

The fit ones

are always bastards,

aren't they?

Yeah.

They're just not worth it.

Hi.

Is Sam Harvey back?

(man over the phone)

Yes, he is.

He's there.

Okay, thanks.

He's there.

F***.

(Sam)

Hello?

Hey, Sam!

It's Dylan.

How are you doing?

Great. So?

Yeah, I spoke

to the publishers.

What did they think?

Well, they said they, uh...

Well, basically

they didn't get it.

Didn't get it?

Apparently not.

What do you mean

they didn't get it?

Are they retarded?

They said there

wasn't enough action.

Not enough action?

Sam, did you tell them

this is an existential novel?

It's not supposed

to have action!

They didn't care.

You know, Sam,

do me a favor, okay?

Call them back and tell them

I am going to get

my novel published.

And furthermore, when people

are calling me The Voice

of the Next Generation

and they come crawling back,

begging me on their hands

and knees

to publish my next novel,

I'll tell them they can kiss

my action-less assl

Calm down, dude.

I've got another call.

I'm gonna have to run.

Will you call me back?

Okay, bye.

They didn't get it.

They didn't get it.

I'm so sorry,

Dylan.

U h, what's going on?

How can you two

be standing there?

Perhaps someone

would actually like

to be cooking.

We do have customers

that need to be fed.

Dylan just got

some bad news.

They're not gonna

publish his book.

I see. It turns out

you know better than

the rest of us after all.

Jesus, Tom!

A bit of sensitivity.

What? He's been

strutting around

for the past six weeks

like he's some sort

of prima donna.

Why don't you shut

your face?

Maybe you wanna shut it

for me.

Maybe I will.

Whoa, whoa.

This is all very exciting,

be we still got a cafe to run

and a round of free coffees

to deliver.

Come on.

Fine. Here're

your new orders.

You can add them to the backlog

and to the new customers

coming in for lunch.

Shall I get Charlie?

Do you want to do

some cooking?

Yes, please.

Come on.

H i.

Tom said you might need

some help.

It doesn't mean

I want anything

to do with you.

Bloody hell.

Jesus Christ!

Let's get going.

Don't we get any cake?

Can't have coffee

without cake!

The coffee is free.

If you want cake,

order cake.

I think if they're going

to give us coffee,

they ought to give us cake.

Who has coffee

without cake?

I don't know.

Skinny people!

Look, no one ever said

anything about free cake.

The coffee is free.

If you need cake,

then you can f***ing

order some cake!

If you don't like it,

you know what you can do.

I demand to speak

to the manager.

N ice one, Dylan.

F*** you!

What are you doing in here?

Actually, Rachel asked me

to come in, Vanessa.

Two more Greek salads.

That shouldn't be a problem

for you, Charlie.

You can do both

at the same time.

H i. I'd like to report

a missing old lady.

Yeah, I'll hold.

Charlie, did you ever

find out who that condom

belonged to?

Yeah, I did, Tom.

Really?

It was Rachel and Dylan.

Was it?

Come on.

There you go.

Hey, man!

That was quite a display

you put out over there, man.

I just found out my novel

is not gonna get published.

Hey, man,

you mind if I play

a song, man?

Pass the hat?

Is that cool?

Knock yourself out.

Excuse me.

Not now.

(whiny customer)

It's ridiculous.

First I get a chicken salad

that doesn't even look

like a chicken salad.

Then they try

to serve us coffee

without any cake.

H i. Yeah, Id' like to report

a missing person.

Yes. M m-hm.

Yes.

(Rachel)

Yes. Yesl

Oh, yesl

Yes, Dylan, yesl

I never knew sex could be

so incredible.

Thank you.

What are we gonna do

about Charlie?

Who cares?

[Both laugh]

To Charlie.

[Laughing continues]

(Vanessa)

Charlie, what the hell

are you doing?

Rachel!

M r. Davies!

How are you?

Welcome.

Rachel!

Sorry.

Please, darling,

tell me it's not true.

Did you f*** Dylan?!

Did you?!

What the hell are you talking?

Get back to the kitchen.

Everybody, listen up.

This woman right here

is the most loving,

most generous, most wonderful

person in the whole wide

bloody word,

and until

very recently,

I don't now why,

but she was my girlfriend,

and I screwed up, Rach.

I royally f***ing

screwed up! I'd never

had a threesome before

or anything like that.

But they were twins!

What was I supposed to do?

Bloody hell, Rach.

I've embarrassed myself

in front of all these people.

I don't know what to do.

Do you want me

to get on my knees?

I'll get on my knees.

I'm getting

on my bloody knees.

Please, Rachel.

That's it, get up.

Get back to the kitchen.

We'll talk about this later.

I don't want.

Excuse me.

Sorry to interrupt.

But under the circumstances

I thought it'd be a good idea

to sing a little song.

This is for all of you

lonely motherfuckers out there.

# I don't believe in Heaven #

# I don't believe in God #

# My parents are dead #

# I got no friends #

# I don't even have a dog #

M r. Davies, why don't we get

a coffee in my office?

And we can have a chat,

and I can show you...

# There once was a time

I had a love #

# But I threw it all away #

# Now I sit here

All alone #

# J ust wasting away #

# Like a rotting corpse #

I guess the thing is

I just always thought

I'd find a man

who was sweet,

and kind, and clever,

and hardworking,

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