Caffeine Page #8

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and happy in men's clothes.

To be honest with you,

sounds to me like the worst

thing your fianc does

is wear your underwear

and do the housework.

You're doing

pretty bloody well.

# When all is said and done #

# A six by two-foot box

To rot inside #

# Being eaten over decades

By maggots and worms #

# I just want

To kill myself #

# p ut a bullet in my eye #

# I just wanna kill myself #

# I just want to die #

# I just want to die #

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Right.

Three rules.

N umber one.

I'm wearing

the wedding dress.

N umber two.

We're buying you

your own set of underwear.

I'm not having you

stretching out

all my knickers.

And number three.

If any one ever finds out

about this,

I'll kill you both.

Come along, David.

So, you're gonna get back to me

about the whole

alibi thing then?

Damn!

Tom, that guy in the suit,

who was that?

That is the owner

of the Marion.

The Marion?

He's come to see Rachel

about a job there.

Oh, sh*t.

I made a mistake

breaking up with Laura.

You'd rather got married

and never shag a bird again

the rest of your life?

I'm not shagging anyone.

There is potential there.

It's not good enough.

I'm sick of acting like

an overgrown teenager.

I'm sick of you

telling me what to do

all the time,

like you've got

all the bloody answers.

You've never

had a girlfriend.

Easy, mate,

that's not true.

Maybe not, but all you do

is smoking gear.

Are you listening to me?

Oh, my f***ing Lord!

[Gunshot]

Right.

Nobody move!

Do you...

Excuse me for a moment.

Come on, pigeon hat.

I'm taking you home

to deal with your problem.

I'm going to cure you I

Come on, up you get.

Grandma.

What are you doing?

P ut the gun down.

[Bang]

Oh, bugger! Come on.

I've told you once!

What have you done

to my grandmother?

Sorry, mate.

You don't mind if I,

uh, tch, tch.

Grandma.

Grandma, wake up.

Should we call

the police?

She just blasted a hole

in a bloody f***ing wall I

All right, everyone,

let's calm down.

Hello, sir.

My name is Charlie.

I'm the chef here.

What's going on?

Nothing.

It's just an old lady

firing off a shotgun.

I would love

to apologize for my, uh,

for my outburst earlier.

Hello?

Can you hear me?

You feeling okay?

Could I get a cup of tea?

It's not just the business.

You know, she is so fantastic

with people.

And the staff,

she treats them

like her own family.

And the customers,

oh, my God,

love her.

That's why they keep on

coming back for more.

I honestly truly think

that, uh,

that she'll be

the best person

for this job.

If you're all so fond of her,

why do you want me to give her

a job and take her away?

To be honest with you,

the last thing I want

in the whole wide world

is for Rachel to leave.

But I know that she's always

wanted to work at The Marion,

you know.

And, uh, and me,

being as I am,

completely and utterly

in love with her,

I guess I just want her

to be happy.

H i.

That was just a little

old lady with a shotgun.

No harm done.

So, how're we doing here?

Good.

Good bye.

I nteresting staff.

Sorry about that.

Danny.

I have to tell you

something.

What?

When she fired the gun,

I shat my pants.

Well, mate, so did I!

That shocking behavior...

No, no.

I mean I actually

shat my pants.

You did what?

[Whispering]

Shat my pants.

I've shat in my pants.

[Whispering]

Danny, I'm full of sh*t

inside me pants.

You did, didn't you?

F***ing hell.

All right, yeah.

Let's, uh...

We'll get you to the toilet.

Get you cleaned up.

No toilets.

J ust take me home.

Take me home, please.

And I'll deal

with it there.

So, up on three then.

On three.

One.

On three or after three?

Make me stand on three.

One.

Two. Three.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

You've forgotten

your dead rat.

Thank you.

Do you know what?

I'm not gay.

I just wanted to...

Great.

Mike?

Laura?

Hey!

What are you doing here?

What the hell is going on?

J ust some crazy old woman

trying to take me

as hostage.

Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Now I'm done, eh?

Bit of a crick

in the neck, though.

Can you just...

Thank you.

It's funny

meeting you here,

actually, 'cause...

well, I've, uh,

I've been thinking

about you a lot.

And I was just,

you know, I was thinking

that we still have stuff

to say to each other, right?

What's that terrible smell?

I don't know.

I should get moving.

But, um, I'll call you,

and we could go

for a coffee or a tea.

Whatever you fancy.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd like that.

Me, too.

I'll, uh...

Oh, what do you do?

I don't know!

Okay. All right.

Bye, then.

Right.

That's enough.

Let's go.

I don't believe you told her

you'd call. If you hadn't

shat your pants,

I 'd give you such

a go at you right now.

Well, I have.

So shut the f*** up.

God! I can't believe you

would whack an old woman

over the head.

What is wrong with you?

She was holding

a loaded shotgun!

You're lucky

she didn't kill anybody.

You shut up.

I can't take

you two bickering.

The backlog of orders,

and Rachel is in the office

having an interview

for another job.

What do you mean

she's having an interview?

Thanks for stepping by.

Well, it's been my pleasure.

Good bye.

Hey.

How did it go?

He said that the fact

that I kept this place going

considering the misfits

I had to deal with,

was almost unbelievable.

He offered me the job.

I don't know

what to do.

You should take it.

Did you get the job?

And?

I'm gonna take it.

That's great I

Congratulations.

Tom.

I'm sorry.

I just can't believe

you're leaving.

You know I couldn't have gone

through today without you,

don't you?

And actually, I was wondering

if you'd take over this place

as manager.

Oh, God, Rachel.

I'd love to.

Well, you turned out

to be quite the hero today.

Didn't know

you had it in you.

Neither did I.

At least one of us

is getting out of here.

You're gonna make it

one day, Dylan.

I've no doubt in my mind.

You got to keep working

your ass off.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

For what it's worth,

I think you should

forgive him.

Really?

Life's confusing, Rachel.

None of us really know

what we're doing.

Especially him.

But he loves you.

You shouldn't take that

for granted.

That was nice.

What you said

to M r. Davies.

I meant it.

Charlie!

I know I f***ed up,

didn't I?

Yeah.

J ust so you know,

by the way, I don't

blame you or Dylan.

You must've been

really angry and...

a difficult proposition

to resist.

What are you

talking about?

The condom wrapper.

Charlie, I didn't

have sex with Dylan.

What do you think I am?

What?

Who's was it, then?

I don't know. You're

the one with the rampant

sexual appetite.

So, was it worth it?

The threesome?

Nothing, nothing

was worth risking

what I have with you,

because you are

everything to me.

And to think

that I f***ed that up

because of some dirty

cheap thrill

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