Call Me Lucky Page #4

along to us,

the consumers?

No kidding.

I was sure the vice presidents

at Exxon would have insisted

on paying for the

entire affair.

"No, no, no,

your money's no good here.

Those otters are on me,

I've got those. "

Did you hear what

the Chief of Staff

for President Bush John Sununu

said about this oil spill?

He said, "Hey, nobody ever

mentions how much oil

didn't spill out

of the Valdez. "

Once in a while you

need an up guy

like John Sununu, you know?

Is the tanker half-empty'?

- I was always amazed that Barry

knew the stuff that he knew.

Before the internet,

before CNN.

I was like,

how do you know who

the Defense Minister

in Syria is?

How do you figure

that stuff out'?

- I have to say,

I know when it was politics,

like, on stage or

even hanging out'

if he said something,

I would say that,

two thirds of what

he's talking about

I don't know what he means.

- I love the new pope, too.

He's a wonderful man.

He's a wonderful man.

A leftist, according to his

PR man from Fox News,

Greg Burke.

Good man.

Celibate-.

Doesn't do a thing

with his penis,

his dirty, dirty penis.

And he's selled to us that

he's this progressive man who'

who tells that we

should help out the poor.

We should help them.

We should help the poor...

'cause God forbid the

church sell a f***in' chalice.

- I remember in the mid 80s,

seeing him,

maybe before I even started,

you know, doing comedy.

So he's smoking,

he's wearing a jacket,

maybe a tie.

He's got this afro

and his mustache.

You know, he's greasing the

audience with some garbage

about this and that.

Then he does a few

political jokes

and just sort of,

like, nothing.

He's getting nothing.

And he's exasperated.

And then he just stops,

defeated and goes,

"All right, there are three

branches of government... "

And he starts a civics lesson.

- I think to be a guy who takes

the world very seriously

and is outraged by bullshit,

to have been really

politically aware

at the height of the mass

hypnosis of the Reagan era,

must have been

acutely distressing.

- Let's start with the part

that is the most controversial.

A few months ago I told

the American people

I did not trade arms

for hostages.

My heart and my best intentions

still tell me that's true.

But the facts and the

evidence tell me it is not.

- Our international policies

under Reagan are great.

Central American policies

are tremendous.

If people are hungry,

kill them.

- But this group of over

150 religious leaders,

each baring crosses with

the names of people

they say were killed

by Contras,

was among those in Washington

vigorously opposing

the president's proposal.

- Well, you know, I had

been going to Nicaragua

for the previous

three or four years.

I was a big supporter

of the Sandinistas.

Barry was very much on top of

what was going on down there.

He had done a lot of material

about the Iran-Contra affair.

- The President's so into

pulling boats into harbor

I'm afraid he's going to pull

the boats into harbor

in Nicaragua which

would be a big mistake

'cause he mined that

three years ago

and he's old and he forgets.

- So he was the

perfect person to bring.

- One of the finest political

satirists you will ever see.

Would you please say hello

to Mr. Barry Crimmins.

Barry?

- What a tough summer its

been in the United States.

We have this big presidential

election coming up.

Of course the big problem

is someone will win.

Just some rambling

notes from a guy

kind a freaked out

in another land.

The Contras, though,

from what I understand,

I mean, they keep comparing

them to the founding fathers

of the United States,

Thomas Jefferson and stuff.

And from what I understand

they're cocaine dealers.

I never read a quote

from Thomas Jefferson,

"Come on in the men's room,

I'll tighten you up. "

I thought I was just supposed

to say no to drugs...

unless they're from the Contras,

then just say, "Si. "

- He was loved down there.

People liked what he had to say.

He, you know, gave the

whole group credibility.

- I keep hearing about the

Contras, the freedom fighters.

And I thought about it for a

while and I realized they are:

some of them have been

fighting freedom for what,

close to forty years now.

Whenever it rears

its ugly head.

They don't get that joke at

the comedy clubs in America.

So I'm in Nicaragua

and I'm in this field hospital

with all these kids.

H's so hot'

they're so uncomfortable'

a lot of them with fresh wounds.

You could see they're

wrapped up in gauze,

and there's blood coming...

I mean, it's, like,

really heavy.

And every kid on one of

these cots has lost a limb.

Lost an arm or a leg,

or whatever.

And for whatever

reasons they said,

"Okay, Barry,

you address this group. "

So I tell them that

they're not my enemies,

and what has happened to

them does not represent

what an awful lot

of people I know,

and have listened to what

I've had to say on stage

and in public,

does not represent us.

And I do not want

to harm children.

I do not want to harm

babies who have...

I do not want to harm you.

You're beautiful

and you've been... and my

country did this to you.

And as someone who believes

in freedom this is what I do.

I say this is wrong.

And I oppose this.

And I love you.

And I hate f***ing

Ronald Reagan

and the f***ing

bullshit PR campaign

that this country is about.

I f***ing despise it.

And I don't like to hate

and despise

but I do cause it's crap

and it kills and maims

and harms innocents.

And there's tears

coming down the kid's faces.

There's tears coming down

everybody's faces.

And then I just said,

"That's all I got.

I got nothing else to say. "

And the applause starts.

I have heard the sound

of one hand clapping.

I've heard the sound

of one hand clapping

and it haunts me,

stays with me my whole life.

- Why don't you just ask me

what you most want to know'?

I mean, he told me at one

stage of the game that,

you know, someone might

call to interview me

but nobody asked me

to be filmed.

Okay?

You understand?

And so, um, so when I

understand I'm being filmed

then suddenly I'm thinking,

oh, I think I'm being asked

to discuss something

very intense.

- Anybody who does any kind of

political humor runs into this.

It's not for everybody.

And so it's a hard thing

anyway,

coupled with the fact of

personal experiences

that are hurtful and

haven't been resolved.

And in terms of drinking'

was he trying to block

something out?

I don't know.

He would have to be the

one to diagnose that.

- I don't think I've

ever seen Barry

without a beer in his hand.

I think that was,

you know, that was it.

- I remember that distinctly,

watching him on stage and...

First of all not believing

how much he could drink

and go on stage.

This isn't going to be enough,

by the way.

- He's the hardest drinking

man who's not an alcoholic.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes