Camera Store Page #2

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Ugh, the returns.

Buy something this week,

bring it back next week...

Every f***ing time.

You know, little junior.

My husband Ralph of 22 years...

And aunt Bertha

just couldn't work it.

She didn't like it.

It was too complicated.

Yamma-nah, yamma-nah...

And I got to write it all up.

And you, my dear, can have

sympathy for my plight...

But you can't have

any empathy...

Because no one has ever brought

back a slice of pizza next week.

Oh, f*** it. What do I owe

you for the bun?

Eh... I got to get some

of that movie film.

You know, the kid's coming

by tonight.

Just come by later, all right?

All right. I will.

Hey, keep your blood

pressure down, will you?

Yeah, uh, blood pressure.

Look, the warden... aw, Jesus.

Ray! Ray! I've been looking

all over for you.

This fell... nearly tripped

and broke my leg...

Over the goddamned thing.

You want to put it down

and try again?

Ray, Ray, there's such a thing

as retail operating strictures..

In this state... codes?

Not to mention how it looks.

What?

Your store.

It's an eyesore in my mall.

I'm trying to run a classy

joint here.

Just so you know, people that

use the word class...

Usually do not have that which

they purport to invoke.

No, I got no time for your

conundrums today, all right?

I got an installation

to supervise.

Eyesore?

That's what I said.

Well, no, actually what

you said was...

"Your store," meaning mine,

Ray Lapine's store...

Is an eyesore in your mall.

Your, in the latter sense

meaning you...

Felix Potemkin, mall manager.

Now, that's exactly what you

said, isn't it, little junior?

You got no cause to demean...

You know, we should straighten

this out, all right?

Firstly, this is not my store.

Right?

I'm simply the manager.

I'm like the

financial custodian.

Like the president of a bank,

for instance.

Yes, or something like

that, that's what I am.

And secondly, this is not

your mall.

What you are is a bouffant

jerk who walks around...

In squeaky cheap shoes listening

to the musak all day...

And the carping of old ladies,

and occasionally...

You do make yourself useful when

you spread that pink powder...

Over puddles of puke

you encounter...

Before you have the janitorial

staff scurry over...

Like it's a f***ing train wreck

and actual lives...

Are at stake, all right.

What you are, Felix...

No cause!

Do not interrupt me, all right?

You are a functionary.

Which is one step above

lackey...

Which is a first cousin

to flunky...

Which is only a gnat's

eyelash from being the chief...

Counter monkey at a

Kentucky fried chicken.

I'm having a serious talk

with Mr. b.

Yeah, fine. Call him in boca.

See if you can get

him off the 19th tee.

Excuse me, are you Ray?

Half hour.

We open at 9:
30.

Oh, no, I'm not a customer.

I'm here to work.

Yeah, all right, fine.

I know who you are, all right.

So you weren't looking where

you were going...

You got mud on your clothes...

And now you want money from me

for dry cleaning.

Sir, I'm here to work with you.

And what are you? Some rump man

sent over by employment?

Is that what, relief?

Right? And you want in?

I mean, you want to be here

on Christmas f***ing Eve day...

To what, stand by the register

and collect commission...

While I spend 364 days...

No, f*** that, 23 f***ing

years setting this up and now...

You're going to swoop in,

take money out of my pocket.

Is that what money means to you,

young man?

Let me tell you something.

You make a mistake.

When you make money, you're god.

I'm sorry, i...

And if you want in,

you have to ask.

You have to have the

brass clock-knockers to say...

Mr. Lapine, I want in.

Well, Mr. Lapine, I want in.

F*** you.

But Mr. bibideaux said...

Yeah, he's in Florida.

No, he's here.

You saw him? He's here?

Well, he was at my house

for dinner last night.

He had dinner at your... I see.

And what's your name, dog ears?

Pete.

And where are you on vacation

from?

Wharton.

Of course.

So last night over Beaujolais

in, what, upper nyack, Mr. b...

Discovered that you're a buff,

you like to take pictures.

So he said, "hey, why don't

you go down to my store...

"Work Christmas Eve day...

"Make a little extra money

for the holidays, right?"

Is that it?

No.

I don't know anything

about photography.

He said I could learn

something about business...

From you.

Polaroid film.

Sir?

Triple pack? How many boxes?

Oh, no, I actually don't

have a Polaroid camera.

Two boxes. Very good choice,

sir. Excellent film.

That will be $72.

Oh, you know what?

Don't bother about it.

Because if you're short of cash,

I'll just take it out of your

envelope when the checks

come down this evening.

Lesson number one...

I sell film.

Did you ever see kismet?

Huh? Nah, of course,

you didn't.

You're far too young,

aren't you? Far too young.

Yep... Sean Connery and I did

that show in London... 1962.

Sean was there for his

youthful good looks.

I was there for my tenor voice.

And you know what they said?

The cognoscenti?

Pinky Steuben is going

to be a star, they said.

Not Sean Connery.

Pinky f***ing Steuben.

But, as we both know,

that was not meant to be.

I mean, these days Sean Connery

could run me down...

In his rolls Royce and he

wouldn't know who I was.

Unless I told him or sang

for him.

Which would be highly unlikely

if I was lying dead...

Under the wheels of his car.

Ray!

Top of the morning to ya,

me old cocker...

On this blessed

Christmas Eve day?

Oh, B's back from Florida.

Before Christmas?

Mm.

Well, that don't compute.

Hm.

Are the checks in yet?

No.

Oh, well, it's a bit early,

isn't it?

Who the f*** am I talking to?

Rump man... Pete.

Pete.

Well, I'm certainly glad

it's not Helen.

'Cause she looks really awful.

Ha, ha, ha.

Pete, me old cocker.

How the heck are you?

I like that name. You know what?

Sounds like an astronaut.

Now, Pete... look, I hope you

don't mind me saying this, Pete.

But I have this thing.

It... it's a salesman's gift.

I know people.

You understand what I mean?

I know people.

And I can tell just looking

at you now...

That you are going to be

a giant in this business.

Pete, you are going to

be a captain of industry.

In fact, you actually

remind me of old Bibby himself.

Bibby?

Ah, our nickname for our

beloved employer, Mr. bibideaux.

There is something

in the eyes, you see.

There is something in the eyes.

They are sharp.

They are very, very sharp.

Ray.

Pinky.

Um, I need a break, but...

You're shy of funds.

A mind reader... a regular

Edgar Cayce, this man.

Hey, Ray, you don't think

that young Pete...

Do you think that Pete

is feeling Christian?

I couldn't speak for him.

Well, of course you

couldn't speak for him, Ray.

Of course, you

couldn't speak for him.

Only Pete can speak for Pete.

So what say you, Pete,

old chap, hm?

Help out a friend?

I think I've got...

I've got five dollars.

But that's for lunch.

Maybe Ray could break it.

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