Camera Store Page #4

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Really.

They tried to steal

the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile?

See, Jo Jo and my other

brother Tommy, the f*** up?

They stole the Weinermobile

and were trying to get away...

When the cops showed

up and chased them.

It's not as if you can

hope to blend into traffic.

Stupid, huh?

Oh, it was terrible.

My one brother is in prison

for stealing the truck...

And for running my

other brother over.

I'm sorry.

No, I made it up.

Jo Jo got shot knocking

over a pink dot in L.A.

Poor Mook.

Didn't have a pigeon angel.

You ever try and run

a pigeon over?

No, I have not.

Oh, you're a liar, too.

See everybody tries to gun

them winged roaches over...

But few succeed. Why?

You come speeding up on

some unsuspecting pigeon...

Just clucking away there on the

tarmac and naturally you gun it.

It's your instinct to try to

nail that thing...

Because we're carnivores.

We crave advantage over

the weak, it's our way.

But that pigeon...

He's developed his

own set of responses...

And gun it as you may...

That little guy always flies

away at the last second.

My theory?

Every pigeon's got a teeny,

little, invisible angel...

Riding on their wings that taps

'em on the shoulder and says...

"Hey, stupid, look

out for the Buick!"

Well, they do have eyes.

Those two little holes that

are in the back of their heads.

Eyes?

Well, they see the car coming.

And at the last second fly away.

I liked my answer better.

Me, too.

Hey, dog ears.

I got it. I got it.

Buy me lunch later?

I got an hour.

Memories, Pete... that is what

we have in our hands.

Of course, in the old days...

The film used to come in here

like a river.

You okay there, buddy?

I'm okay.

All right, take a minute,

if you need it.

Maybe I ain't got a minute.

Polaroid film for my

granddaughter's camera.

I don't know the model.

Cost a heck of a lot

fifteen years back.

Does it like fold flat-like?

Right.

Yeah, XS 70.

Give me... this much.

But don't charge me tax.

I don't pay tax.

Pete, behind you in the shelf

underneath there...

There's a drawer there.

Pete, never mind.

Get out of my store.

Do you want to learn something,

dog ears?

Watch this.

What's your problem, pal?

I'm a f***ing customer.

No, you're a f***ing sub-captain

come shop my store.

See if I'm skimming the drawer.

What's a sub-captain?

Private investigator.

Get the f*** out! Go.

Back up, go, go, go.

You stupid idiot, you come into

my store with a tie clip...

Shaped like handcuffs.

You know how you get those?

You get those after your 25

years on the police force.

Don't you? Get the f***

out of my store.

Your store... that's a f***ing

laugh.

You lifers work one place

long enough...

You think you own the

f***ing joint.

Yeah, yeah, well tell

Eddie bibideaux...

F*** him, from Ray Lapine.

He sent a wheezy, old cop

to shop me?

You sackless f***!

Merry Christmas.

Bibideaux photographic.

Did you know there is a

new girl at the parrot?

Very talented.

And did you know this young

lady has no idea...

How Nelson Rockefeller died.

Tonight, gentlemen, I have

volunteered to demonstrate...

To this poor unfortunate the

exact circumstances...

Under which one of America's

greatest...

And wealthiest men succumbed.

That was the valley.

And?

I got the number.

Is the runner coming

with the checks?

She didn't know.

Oh... right.

Like it's a state secret.

Hey, Andy at the card store

says that Bibby has been seen...

In Pearl river, a great,

gRay phantom...

Floating down the narrow

streets.

Five grand.

Five grand.

That's the number.

Five f***ing grand?

Yes, and we're gonna

hit it to the penny.

Oh, Christ... the company man

returneth. Five bloody grand!

Is that... is that a lot?

A lot? That is a f***ing

insult, mate.

Time was Christmas Eve

morning...

We would do five grand

before noon!

When giants walked the earth.

Tell me, Pete, what is one

percent of 5000 split two ways?

It's f***ing nothing, Pete!

Has Ray explained to you

our mission?

Do you know what it is

that Ray and I do here?

You sell film.

This discussion is immaterial.

Ah-ha. Film. Film.

Cameras, lenses, accessories?

Never, Pete.

Don't sell the cameras.

Sell the little crap.

That is our dictum.

And if only that

were the whole story.

But oh, no, no, no. It's much

more interesting than that.

You see, Ray and I are like

a couple of secret agents...

Posing as salesmen.

Yet only allowed to sell five

grand, imagine.

Grown men, commission salesmen

being paid not to sell.

Oh, it looks like

a camera store.

It feels like a camera store.

When in reality...

This whole f***ing shop is just

a tax write off for Bibby.

Now do you understand

the enormity of it, eh?

Still, immaterial.

And you're getting loud.

Well, what was that saying, Ray?

You know, that... that wonderful

expression you once coined.

The thing about life is...

You know you're going

to be screwed.

The thing that makes

it interesting is...

You never know how.

Ray.

Pinky.

I need a break.

Go ahead.

Last place I was staying...

Was with this guy Dave,

in the Poconos.

All he ate was lox.

Lox, lox, lox and more lox.

Like they were making it illegal

tomorrow or something.

You okay?

Yeah.

Mm... no.

Hey, what happened to the dress?

Funny story.

As it turns out, bunnies

love fruitcake.

Who knew?

So you...

You lost the job?

95 minutes flat.

It happens.

Yeah.

Had to sell the bunny, though.

To the pet store.

8 bucks.

I made 'em swear they wouldn't

feed her to a snake, though.

Hold out your hand.

Wow.

What a life line.

Look at that thing.

Huh.

What?

Well, you see the way your

fingers clinch right here?

Money is important.

Also, you're a virgin.

You can tell from looking

at my hand?

No.

From the way you were looking

at me on the bus this morning.

I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be, I was

complimented.

How old are you, anyway?

I'm 19.

How about you?

Now Pete, didn't your mother

ever teach you...

About asking a woman her age?

Mm-mm.

It's very rude.

Gees, 19 and handsome

as you are...

And you never even tried it?

I'm waiting.

It was once.

Yes, there it is! I knew it.

It was the senior class trip

to France.

It was this little town.

Beautiful, huh?

It was on top of this hill.

And below was...

This valley.

And it was just full of those

purple flowers.

Oh, lavender.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I like this story.

And, well, later that night

they, um...

They gave us this big dinner.

Mm-hm.

And it had wine and everything.

My god, even the kids drink

over there, little rummies.

Later on, my girlfriend

and I went down...

Oh, wait, wait, wait!

Let me tell this part.

Went down to those flowers.

Her idea, right?

Katy.

So, what happened?

Um...

She, uh... she caught us.

Who?

She was one of the chaperones.

Um, on the trip, it was...

Who?

Well, she sat us down

together...

And said that whatever happened

that night...

Was never going to happen

again...

Or I wouldn't be her son.

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