Camp Page #4

Times Square

is a theme park now.

I hate to be the grinch,

but it's not normal

what goes on up here.

Somebody

has got to warn you.

Teenage fag hags

become adult fag hags.

Straight boys are straight.

You can't turn 'em just

because you need to be loved.

You can't turn 'em just

because you need to be loved.

The foundation

that's being laid here

is not going to help you

in the real world.

It's going to lead to

waitressing jobs

and bitterness

and the obsessive,

pointless collecting

of out-of-print

original cast albums.

Mr. Hanley?

Mr. Hanley?

Look, I don't know what your problem

is, and I don't really care.

Maybe you're

a son of a b*tch

just 'cause

you haven't written a show

in, like,

a million years.

Or maybe you're

just a stupid drunk,

but those kids,

they look up to you.

And they don't deserve

to be treated like that.

"They"?

Did you think I wasn't

talking to you, too?

Or did I

forget to mention that

you're a fraud who has to be

everybody's golden boy,

you're a fraud who has to be

everybody's golden boy,

or you'll just shrivel up?

I've taken shots

at drunks before.

Don't think I have some

honor code about it.

Bring it on.

Bring...

What is your problem?

I don't have a problem.

There's a theater in Brooklyn

that's got a problem.

Seems they need

a rehearsal pianist,

and they thought I might just be

hard up enough to oblige.

So I sit in hot, stinking

traffic for three hours

just to drive down there

to find out it's not

the 200th revival of

my one hit show they wanted.

The 200th revival of

my one hit show they wanted.

You should never

meet your heroes.

They always disappoint you.

Come on, kid.

Come here. Help me out.

I think I'm

going to be sick.

Oh, Jesus!

God!

Ohh!

Get it away.

You don't even know

what it is.

I don't care.

If it's been touched

by him, it's diseased.

- Oh, my god.

- Spit.

It's everything he's written

since the children's crusade.

It's everything he's written

since the children's crusade.

There's a ton more

at his place.

It's like the holy grail

of musical theater.

This one

doesn't look so good.

Some are lousy,

but most of 'em are great.

It's like they don't even

seem like they're from shows.

They're just songs he wrote.

There's funk, gospel.

There's this awesome,

rootsy Neil young song.

Come on. Neil young?

He doesn't know I took 'em.

They're just copies.

What are you going

to do with them?

What time's that benefit

rehearsal start tomorrow?

12:
00 to 3:00.

That's it?

Ever since

Michael's drag party,

Glen's been on a crusade

to make us

more like a normal camp,

so he's cutting back the benefit

rehearsals to three hours a day.

That's enough time.

Time for what?

He'll be late.

He's always late.

For...?

For...?

Come on.

I ever tell you we did

the children's crusade?

Five summers ago.

It was good.

The kids want to do a revue

of my music for the benefit.

Yeah, I heard.

What'd you tell them?

- I told them yeah.

- Good. I'm glad.

But not on three hours'

rehearsal a day.

You tell me, am I wrong?

Am I doing

such a horrible thing?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I was like you, except I was

feeling sorry for myself,

and I thought these kids

needed a hard dose of reality,

so I gave it to them.

Both barrels.

But I've been watching them,

and I was wrong.

They're a bunch

of little freaks.

The more normal

we try to make them,

the more lonely and isolated

they're gonna feel.

Summer is almost over,

Glen.

Let's all go out like pros.

What do you say?

Dee, entra.

Dee, entra.

Michael...

What are you doing here?

Look,

I don't speak no Spanish,

so you better habla your ass

some English.

Peter Piper picked a peck

of pickled peppers.

Add that one.

Cut it out, dude.

I'm gonna cure you.

Supercalifragilistic-

expialidocious.

Why are you

in a good mood?

You want to know?

You want to know?

Yeah.

What is that?

No way.

- Who?

- Dee.

Dee?

You slept with a girl?

Yep.

You slept with a girl?

You're so full of sh*t.

I don't believe you.

I mean, why would you?

Maybe I didn't want

a whole lifetime

maybe I didn't want

a whole lifetime

of feeling

the way I have so far.

No.

I'm asking Dee.

- Don't.

- I'm calling your bluff.

Don't be a jerk.

What're you gonna do?

Vlad!

Vlad!

Hey.

Hi. Ellen's not here.

I know.

What are you doing?

A journal.

Hey!

Oh, my god!

Michael told me.

That punk!

I'm going to give him

a b*tch slap so hard.

This is

the trippiest thing I ever...

This is

the trippiest thing I ever...

All right.

Could he do it, even?

Were his eyes open?

Nothing against you,

it's just...

If you wanna know, he talked

about you most of the time.

During?

Who knows?

I finally tuned him out.

Come on.

Seriously, tell me.

Why are you

so interested, anyway?

What's going on

with you two?

Nothing. Why?

What did he say?

I'm just saying you guys

hang out an awful lot.

So what? I'm straight.

- Straight.

- All right.

What,

you don't believe me?

All I'm saying

is that people talk.

Sorry.

That was stupid.

Sorry.

That was stupid.

It wasn't that stupid.

Do you know

how long it's been

since a guy's liked me

that wasn't gay?

I don't like you.

I mean, I like you,

but that's not

why I did that.

I don't know

why I did that.

It's all right.

Wait.

You just

slept with Michael.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Then go back

to your boyfriend.

Shut up.

Why don't you

make me?

Wait.

Sh*t!

Ellen!

Ellen!

Come on, wait up!

Ellen!

Leave me alone.

- Wait up!

- Don't follow me!

Oh, baby!

Doesn't she look pretty?

- I missed you so much!

- You look so beautiful.

I don't understand.

How can you spend all summer

with your jaw wired shut

and still look like that?

Fred!

I'll tell you what,

we'll keep it on

for fall term.

You won't be sneaking milkshakes

with me around the house.

I have to get ready.

I have to get ready.

What?

Oh, my god, it's him.

Stephen Sondheim.

Stephen Sondheim!

They called places already.

You're not even

dressed yet?

How paranoid can you be?

Oh, my god.

Was that your plan?

Did you

put something in there?

I only wish

I'd thought of it.

Ellen,

can you

please pass the base?

Thank you.

This is ridiculous.

If you say one more syllable,

I will shove a powder puff

so far down your windpipe...

Do not underestimate my ass,

because I will knock you flat.

- Girls, why don't we...

- Butt out.

And there's no such thing

as bisexuality, you know.

Vlad!

Julie?

What are you doing here?

Julie?

What are you doing here?

I took the bus.

Hi.

Hey.

How are you?

I'm good. How about you?

- Good.

- I give up.

- You give up?

Hi.

Oh, yeah.

Julie, this is Ellen,

Michael, and Dee.

Listen, is there

somewhere private we can go?

Right now? I have a show.

- I'll see you after, okay?

- Great.

- I'll see you after, okay?

- Great.

- Bye.

- Bye.

What?

What?

I hardly know

where to begin.

Why didn't you tell us

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes