Capers Page #5

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- You will let us into shop now.

- I don't really think that

that's a--

- Get up!

- Okay.

Hello.

What did you guys need?

[hip-hop music]

- Plan B.

Hold on.

Make sure the coast is clear.

- One.

Two.

Three.

- That's it?

- Maybe we didn't use enough.

I told you I was new at this.

- Sh*t.

Give me the keys.

[tires screeching]

[loud crash]

God damn it!

- Maybe we should just

go around back.

- Dead end.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

- Maybe she moved it.

- Maybe she moved what?

- The safe.

- That could be.

- She didn't move the safe.

There's not a dead end

in the air-conditioning system

because she moved the safe!

That doesn't make any sense!

- Drink.

- Why?

What'd you put in it?

- Medicine.

- Medicine?

- Sex medicine.

- You mean like Viagra?

Is it Viagra?

- Yes, Vagra.

Drink.

- Okay. Yeah.

All right.

How long until

this takes effect?

- Not long.

Sit.

- Okay.

Yeah.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I think I'm already

starting to feel it.

This is gonna be so--

- Yes.

- We have problem.

Safe has been moved.

- How did safe get there?

- Perhaps little man moved it.

- Don't be stingy

with that sh*t.

We ain't blowing up this wall

all night.

Use all of it.

- Are you sure

that's a good idea?

- That was some sorry ass sh*t

back there.

We could've got caught.

Use all of it.

- What the--

How'd you get there?

- I thought you were behind me.

- You were the one supposed

to bring a compass.

- Who brings a damn compass

to a job, for Christ's sake?

- Never--

- Oh, shut up.

- What do we do?

[voices overlapping]

- Vermin.

- Nobody touches my hat.

- Bo, what are you doing?

- I think I'm almost there.

- Is he crawling in place?

- I believe he is.

- Just a few more feet.

- We were here a half hour ago.

- [moaning]

- Little man is moaning.

- They sound big.

[metallic squeaking]

- Little man is squeaking.

- Very big.

- It's an earthquake.

- Oh, no.

Nobody move.

Bo, stop crawling!

- Oh, this is gonna hurt.

[screaming]

[coughing and groaning]

Who are you?

- We are Arab Slavs.

Why are you here?

- And why are you here?

- Stay where you are.

- Uh-uh.

- You brought a gun?

- Of course I brought a gun.

- You didn't bring your piece,

Fitzy?

- No.

- Was it in the shop?

- I didn't know I needed it.

- You always bring a gun

to a job.

- Are your guns real?

- Yes.

- They're so cute.

- You.

- Yeah?

- You are tall.

- 6'6".

Plus the hat.

- You can reach safe.

- Huh.

She moved it.

- What'd I tell you?

Never do a job

without a tall guy.

- You will get safe for us.

- No, I will get safe for us.

- But how will you open it?

- How will you open it?

- We have machine.

- Ready?

- We don't want to have

an accident.

- Emily, cover your ears.

This is gonna be loud.

- Who is that?

- Come on, Moose.

- I hope we don't start a fire.

Step back.

Okay, I'm doing it.

One.

Two.

Three.

- Critically acclaimed

Clinically insane

- Who the hell are you people?

- Sh*t!

- What are you doing here?

- What y'all doing here?

- Stupid question.

- Wait a second.

You mean to tell me

that none of you had any idea

we were gonna

hit this joint tonight?

- That's unbelievable.

- All right, enough talk.

Take 'em out, Bo!

- We're lookin'

for the White Tiger.

- The White Tiger's

no longer with us.

The White Tiger was my uncle.

I'm the Gay Ninja.

I'm protected by the power

of my dead uncle.

- Where's that safe?

Son of a b*tch.

- It's ours.

We got the tall guy.

- And you think you're just

gonna walk out of here

with that safe

and down the sidewalk?

We got a truck outside.

- Screw you.

- How will you open?

- We can open.

- Screw all y'all.

- What do we do now?

- I have no idea.

- Dougie!

Get that thing out of here!

- But the doctor said--

- I don't care what

that miserable kike said.

I'm not having surgery,

and I'm not usin' a chair.

Any sign of weakness,

the animals around here

will attack.

Give me my cane.

- You want we should

get you some dinner?

- Oh, whatever,

just get out of here.

- We'll be back.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Dougie!

Dougie.

Jesus.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

This place is a mess.

You were supposed to be

taking care of the place,

not sleeping.

Lard ass.

[all screaming]

- [laughs]

- Holy...

- Sh*t.

- We killed Connie.

- Maybe she's fakin' it.

- Hey, Dino.

- Okay, look,

we got to get out of here

before the goons come back.

- What is goons?

- Big fat ltalians.

- What are we gonna do?

- I know what I'm doing.

I'm going to get the safe.

- Uh-uh.

- Damn it!

All right, look, look,

why don't we all just-

just calm down here, okay?

Now look, we don't even know

what's in that thing.

- Feminine items.

- Precious jewels.

- Tax free treasuries.

- I heard it's someone's soul.

- Maybe it's a kitten!

- Maybe it's a kitten!

- Perhaps it is hope.

- Stop!

We don't know.

But I think we need each other

to find out what it is.

Look, we need to act like

we're all on the same team here.

- What team?

- We ain't on the same team.

- Yeah, we're, uh...

we're on a team

of Americans.

- Fitzy, I don't think

they're Americans.

- Dino, shut up.

We're all Americans.

And we all love money.

But we don't want to work

for it.

- So what?

- So what?

So no one's leaving here

without that safe.

And it seems pretty obvious

to me

that we all need each other

to finish this job.

So why don't we

just split the loot?

That way no one gets hurt.

'Cause I didn't bring my gun,

and I don't feel like

getting shot tonight.

- I got a dachshund at home

that needs me.

- I got an eight-year-old

to take care of.

I'm tired, and I feel

a little PMS coming on.

- Me too.

- You're probably on the same

cycle on account of this job.

- Dino, please.

Come on, let's all just put

the guns down, all right?

Big Jim?

This is what you're here for.

He's not tall enough.

- Just wait.

- The hell is that?

- Not much.

- It's nothing.

- Disappointing.

- Probably ain't worth sh*t.

- Ronald, your language.

- My bad.

Probably ain't worth shoot.

- Looks like a doubloon.

- Maybe it's gelt.

- What is gelt?

- Hanukkah chocolate.

- Are you Jewish?

- Yeah, on my father's side.

- Oh, so technically, no.

- I am if you asked Hitler.

- What, is he coming in next?

- What're we supposed

to do with that?

- Freeze!

- FBl.

Drop your weapons

and put your hands up.

- Who are you?

- Six months ago

we were assigned

to the New York bureau

as senior agents.

- Lieutenants,

I have an assignment for you.

- Is it dangerous?

- Are we going into the field?

- You're goddamn right you are.

Here's the deal.

We just arrested

Chi Chi Gutierrez,

and he told us

that the 84th Street Gang

is smuggling cocaine

in ceramic monkey figurines

down at the docks

at midnight tonight.

So what I need

from the two of you

is to pick up my dry cleaning,

because I'm gonna miss it.

[laughter]

- If he's not gonna

give us anything,

we need to open a case

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