Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie Page #6

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world hunger

with an invention like this.

Pass!

More importantly...

how do I look?

Just like you do in this comic!

Good! Now,

hands off the merchandise,

and go fetch

your little toilet, okay?

I call it "The Turbo..."

Yeah, yeah. Couple of

gold stars for you, kiddo.

Let the Poopageddon begin!

Whoo-ee!

What?

Oh, you've gotta be joking me!

Poopypants has no gas!

You can't write this stuff.

Where would a burgeoning villain

find unlimited power?

True power comes from within.

No, it doesn't, Melvin!

That's on stupid posters!

Okay.

It comes

from enormous energy sources!

A nuclear waste dump.

I see where you're going.

A poisonous chemical factory.

Or perhaps

a place even more toxic!

Whoo!

These leftovers got a kick.

Oh, it's a powerful smell.

Back in business, baby!

Memorize these elements...

Oxygen. Beryllium.

Boringillium.

Lameium.

Snoronium.

Excuse me, everybody,

there's a giant...

Do not interrupt

while I'm reading

monotone from my textbook!

But the toilet!

Ugh.

Just go.

Harold?

George?

Students and faculty

of Jerome Horwitz Elementary...

the world, as you know it,

is about to go extinct.

And a new world order

is about to rise!

One that is, you know, honestly

pretty similar

to the old world order...

except for one tiny detail...

Melvin?

Comin' atcha!

Powered by

Melvin's unique neurology...

I will successfully disable

the Hahaguffawchuckleamalus...

of every single child at

Jerome Horwitz Elementary.

For I, Professor Poopypants...

Yeah, it's a funny name.

It just makes you

laugh and laugh, right?

Get down!

Still give you the chuckles now?

Poopypants!

I don't get it.

Why is that funny?

Perfect!

Finally!

You're speaking my language!

Oh, no. This is bad.

This is seriously bad.

I mean,

a world without laughter?

George, if he destroys

our sense of humor,

he destroys us!

Imagine how boring

our comics will be.

Captain Underpants

and the Purchase

of the Sensible Beige Pants.

Captain Underpants

Eats All of His Falafel.

Captain Underpants

Watches Cement Dry.

And would the creators of

this absolutely

hilarious comic book...

please come out, come out,

wherever you are!

You're next.

Okay, we have to stop him.

We've gotta find a way

to unplug Melvin.

Yeah.

But how do we get to him

without Poopypants seeing us?

What are you two doing together?

Are you in there?

Oh...

Maybe you're hiding here.

Oh, sorry.

Are you stuck on hold?

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, totally hate

when that happens.

Well, good luck with that.

Now, where are

those two little...

Stand down, Poopypants!

What is happening?

I hope this works.

Tra-la-laaa!

Ow! Ow!

Keep standing down.

I'm just gonna be a second.

Ow.

I bet he thought

that was going to be cooler.

Oh, boy. Here goes nothing.

Ha-ha!

Prepare to be vanquished...

and justice to be served

on a piping hot

platter of freedom!

With a side order of liberty...

and a super-sized cup

filled with freedom also!

Impressive use

of fast-food analogies,

you giant baby with a cape on!

Let's do this.

Freeze! The following sequence

contains scenes...

that are so intense,

horrific, and violent...

And expensive.

That we can only show it

using a technology known as...

Flip-O-Rama!

Take it away, Harold.

Okay, first Professor Poopypants

gave Captain Underpants

the boot.

Foot! Foot! Ow!

Then he made

an Underpants sandwich.

Punch, punch! Punch, punch!

And then, they played

a friendly game of paddleball!

Oh, no!

Darn.

Okay, what's next?

Oh, yes!

Then, Poopypants summoned

an army of dolphins...

Wait, what?

Why are you always

sneaking dolphins

into the movie?

What do you have

against dolphins anyway?

I don't have nothing

against dolphins,

- it just didn't happen!

- Well, so what'?

We get to say what happened.

It's the Flip-O-Rama.

I like dolphins.

The dolphins are in.

Fine, all right.

Let's just keep going.

- You sure?

- Yep, positive.

Thank you.

- Anyway, Poopypants didn't realize it...

- Quiet five, quiet five.

But George and Harold's plan

was working out perfectly.

So, they

shot themselves to the top

of the Turbo Toilet 2000!

To keep things dramatic,

they didn't quite make it.

And then...

And then...

And then...

What happened

to the Flip-O-Rama?

I ran outta paper.

Hey, Melvin!

Take that thing off your head.

We gotta stop Poopypants!

Professor Poopypants!

George and Harold

are trying to stop you!

You are just so annoying!

So, you two

little numbskulls thought

you could distract me...

with this idiotic, naked man.

Am I right?

I'm not naked!

Any final words before this

whole revenge thing goes down?

Yeah, wait, wait. Listen.

We apologize

for making fun of your name.

I mean, that was just wrong.

Yeah, we're sorry.

The truth is. Professor P...

you have probably, like,

the greatest name

we've ever heard.

I mean, George, imagine

if we had names like that.

Oh, that would be so cool!

Okay, wait, let's do it.

Let's try it.

Oh, I would be

Fluffy Toiletnose.

Yeah! I would be

Sir Cheeseball Wafflefanny.

Yeah, sure. You're a knight.

This is so good!

I wanna change mine.

I'd be

Buttcheeks von Stinkelsberg.

Stinkelsberg.

Yeah, those are all

really silly names,

but there's

nothing funny about...

Professor

Pee-Pee Diarrheastein

Poopypants Esquire!

Sir, are you saying

your full name is...

Pee-Pee Diarrheastein

Poopypants Esquire?

Uh-huh.

Stop it! Stop laughing!

Come on! Listen, your problem

isn't that people laugh at you.

Your problem is that

you can't laugh at yourself.

Oh, really, Oprah?

Is that my problem?

Well, your problem is this...

No!

Oh, I hope

you enjoyed your years

of laughter and merriment...

because they're about

to come to an end.

Do you find anything funny

about me now?

You mean, other than your name?

Yes! Other than that!

And your hair'?

What?

My hair's cool, I thought.

Are you kidding me?

That's almost as funny as

my hair back in kindygarten!

Remember that afro?

No!

No, this can't be happening!

Computer, activate brain scan.

Let's see. The frontal lobes

look big and healthy.

The Hahaguffawchuckleamalus

looks all shrimpy,

so, what gives?

It can't be!

Their Hahaguffawchuckleamaluses,

they're enormous!

I need more power.

Anything strike you

as funny now?

I'm sure

we can think of something!

George, I can't smile anymore.

No! Harold!

One down, undone to go.

Harold.

Harold. Harold,

can you hear me?

Harold!

George! George, is that you?

Right here, buddy.

What's happening?

We're shrinking!

Now, if we don't laugh

at something soon,

we may never laugh again.

Oh, no! What do we do?

What do we do? What do we do?

Well, we have to think

of something funny, okay?

Okay, yeah, sure.

Something funny.

Anything?

No, I got nothing.

Me neither.

More shrinkage!

Okay, okay.

What did we use to find funny?

Mostly potty humor. Poop,

vomit, that kind of thing.

Really? Ugh. That is, like,

the lowest form of comedy.

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