Carry on Camping Page #8

- What two flashy birds?

- She means Babs and Fanny.

- Who asked you?

- I was only trying to help.

I didn't even notice them.

You haven't stopped eyeing them

ever since they came.

Can I help it if they stand where I'm staring?

Not content with bags under your eyes,

you want them in front of you as well.

(Sighs deeply)

(Laughs)

Hello, everyone. Lovely afternoon.

Hello, Mrs Potter. Yes, lovely.

I thought you ought to know

that this evening

Dr Soaper is giving us

a lecture on bird-watching.

Thanks. I've already had one.

Don't take any notice of him, Mrs Potter.

We'll be there.

Oh, good-oh!

Seven o'clock. In front of the latrines.

That'll be a good atmosphere for it.

I say, you haven't seen... my husband,

have you?

Afraid not.

- He seems to have disappeared.

- He's a good judge.

Come along, girls.

Quickly now.

Come on.

That's right.

And remember, don't go asking the monks

any stupid questions,

because they've given up talking.

And no saucy looks,

- because they've given that up, too.

- Are we all ready to go?

Yes, Dr Soaper, all except Jane. She wasn't

feeling well, so I told her to stay in bed.

What have you done to your eye?

I got a fly in it.

There goes Dr Soaper's party now.

I say, have you visited Standfast Abbey?

Er, no.

You should, you know.

A most extraordinary order of monks.

Well, in that case, I'd rather not.

Oh, well. I'd better find the old pot and pan.

Bye.

She's quite right, you know.

We ought to see everything there is to see.

You weren't doing so badly this morning

in the ablutions hut.

I don't know what you're talking about.

No?

- All right. Get your things. Let's go.

- No, thank you.

- All right, Bernie, you and me'll go.

- Where to?

- That place. Standfast Abbey.

- Oh, you mean, where the girls have gone?

Sorry.

Get your things, Anth.

(Drunkenly) Mr Muggins,

much as I enjoy your excellent company...

That's a blasted lie for a start.

I must be completely honest,

only polite.

My dear Mr Muggins,

it's only a suggestion,

but why don't you take your stinking carcass

out of our bloody tent?

If only I had the nerve.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

- You're from the camping site, aren't you?

- Mm.

I've seen you with that funny woman

and that scrawny little man.

I don't like them much.

- Sit down and join the club.

- All right.

I like you, though.

- (Giggles weakly)

- Having fun?

Not much.

- Oh, would you like some?

- No, I don't drink.

Pity.

Oh, cigarette?

- I don't smoke.

- Oh.

But we can go to my tent if you like.

The others are all away.

Well?

Come on, then.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

(Chanting)

Oh, I like this one of the monks

doing their laundry.

Ooh, lovely.

I suppose that's where

they get rid of their dirty habit.

That is not very funny, Bernie.

Has Sid got a...

Well, where is he? Where's Sid?

Oh, he's just crept into the crypt for a... smoke.

Psst! Psst!

How about a bit of fun tonight?

Not 'alf, brother. We'll be over after lights out.

Bless you, my children.

(Cackles)

Oh, there you are.

Where have you been all afternoon?

I have been lying in the arms of a beautiful girl.

I was getting worried. You missed your tea.

- Harriet!

- Still, you're in time for supper.

- Harriet!

- What is it, dear?

Where is Mr Muggins?

Oh, he's in the tent.

Oh, Peter, don't go in. He's having a nap.

Peter, what's come over you?

Ooh!

And stay out!

- And now, Harriet, I'd like you inside, please.

- What for?

- You'll find out.

- Oh.

But what about the sup?

Oh, so glad you reminded me.

Urgh!

Oh!

Oh, Peter!

I wonder if he's offended about something.

I keep telling you, Bernie, as soon as

the lights go out, they're coming in here.

- Go on. What for?

- A party.

Shouldn't we get some cakes?

Not that kind of a party.

Bernie, we have got it made.

All we've got to do is play our cards right.

Oh. I hope they play rummy.

Forget it. Just hide the bottles.

- Supposing Joan and Anthea find out?

- They'll be asleep by then.

But what if they hear a noise

and get up to investigate?

I've thought of that.

Aneedle and thread?

That's it. As soon as it gets dark,

we nip out and sew their tent flaps together.

Dr Soaper.

Yes, what is it, Matron?

I must see you on a personal matter.

Oh, I can't come out now.

I'll see you in the morning.

Very well. If you won't come out, I'll come in.

No!

Oh, no, you don't!

DR SOAPER:
Oh, oh, oh, no!

No, Matron, I was just taking a short cut.

I don't know why, Doctor,

but I have a feeling you're trying to avoid me.

Oh, no! Whatever gave you that idea?

But you shouldn't be in here, you know.

Think of the girls. They need watching.

- Oh, to hell with the girls!

- To hell with the gir... Matron!

I can't help it. It's not fair to ignore a woman

after you've aroused her dormant passion.

But I've not aroused your doormat ration...

your dormant passion.

Oh, but you have.

All my life I've been like

an unused clockwork toy,

and then that night at the hostel

you wound me up.

- Now you must start me!

- Oh, I couldn't. I might bust your spring.

Here, you want to see what's going on

in the next field. Some sort of a rave-up.

- Really?

- Yes. Come on. It's going to go on all night.

All night? What about the old hag?

Don't worry about her.

She's in with old Soaper.

- Oh, good. Come on, girls.

- Come on. There's a rave-up.

Quick!

Ooh!

(Horns beep)

Ooh-ooh!

(Comedy horn)

What time is it now, Sid?

Oh, blimey, it's only eight o'clock. Will you relax?

Eight o'clock? Another two hours to wait.

I'll be worn out by the time they get here.

Oh!

You don't know how empty my life has been.

Before I came to your school,

I was matron at a hospital.

There was a doctor there. He was brilliant.

He looked just like you.

I worshipped him, but he ignored it.

Why, whenever I show any interest in a man,

do they ignore it?

Why? Haven't I got appeal?

Yes, but so's a banana

and I don't even want that.

But I feel you're different, Doctor.

Don't you feel something?

No. I believe in keeping my hands to myself.

But that night in the hostel,

you showed me your true feelings.

Now I beg you, let me show you mine.

- But I don't want to see yours.

- Don't fight it!

- Oh, help! Someone, help!

(Music starts)

- What's that? What's going on?

- I don't know, but thank heavens for it.

# Psychedelia

It's in the next field.

Matron, they've got our girls in there.

Oh!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it, I say!

Stop it. Come along, Barbara. Stop it.

Get back to your tent at once.

You've got no right to be here.

- Come along. I'm not having any of this.

- We're only dancing, sir.

Come along. Get back to your tent.

How dare you behave in this manner!

It's not my fault. It's Farmer Giles's field

and he's given permission for them to use it.

But we can't stand that row all night.

How are we going to get any sleep?

From what I hear,

you wasn't reckoning on doing much sleeping.

The point is, what are we going to do about it?

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