Carry on Camping Page #7

Now, remember, girls,

the camp perimeter lights go out at ten o'clock

and I don't want to see any of you

outside your tents after that.

There'll be usual PT at seven thirty,

followed by breakfast at eight,

and then I'll be taking you all

on a lovely nature ramble.

Lunch at one o'clock,

and then I'll be giving a lecture

on birdsong and the calls of nature.

All right. I'll show you once again.

Are you watching?

Right. Here we go now.

Now you see it, now you don't.

- That's it.

- Wrong again. That's three kisses you owe me.

- (Laughter)

- What is going on here?

Oh, um, these two gentlemen

have been kindly helping us with our tents, sir.

Yes, very nice, but you mustn't let them

take advantage of you.

- Oh, no, we'll try not to, sir.

- I'm talking to the gentlemen.

We're only too happy to be of assistance.

It's very kind of you, but I'd like to see

you get everything organised inside the tent.

- That suits us.

- I was talking to the girls.

Bunks and bedding.

Oh, yes, well, Jane's just gone to get hers, sir.

And it's high time you got yours.

And I was talking to the girls.

Come on, Fanny, we'd better get cracking.

You don't want to take that. It's too heavy.

You might do yourself an injury.

That's all right. I can manage.

Can you? Go and get some more for the others.

Here, what are you doing in here?

We've come to give you a couple of hands,

that's all.

If Dr Soaper sees you here,

we'll get into awful trouble.

We've just got to make sure he doesn't see us,

haven't we?

Well, it must go together somehow.

Well, hurry up, before someone comes.

Perhaps you have to pull something.

How about those two things sticking out in front?

Yeah, how about them!

Oh, saucy!

(Laughter)

BABS:
Come on.

How much longer are you going to be?

BERNIE:
Sorry, but it's not going to work like

this. We'll have to try it the other way round.

SID:
Come on, stop messing around, you two.

Give us the bed.

Let me and Babs show you how.

- What do you want me to do?

- Grab hold of this.

SID:
No. Both hands.

Oh, it's all right. It's only your aunties.

(Cock crows)

(Heavy snoring)

(Snoring continues)

(Cock crows)

(Snores and whistles)

(Cock crows)

Bend, bend, bend, bend, bend, bend,

bend, bend, bend, bend,

bend, bend, bend, bend,

bend, bend, bend, bend,

bend, bend, bend, bend, bend, bend.

And up!

And down.

And up!

And down.

And up!

And down.

Now, really touch those toes, Barbara.

And up!

And rest.

Now, legs astride.

Arms flinging from side to side. Begin.

And fling! And in.

And fling! And in.

And both arms fling!

Now, really let's see those chests come out.

And fling! And in.

And fling!

And in. And fling!

Ooh, Matron, take them away!

Ah!

If you were a gentleman, you'd close your eyes.

DR SOAPER:
Stop laughing!

Now that Barbara's fallen out...

Stop laughing!

We will continue. Hands on hips.

Bending from side to side. Begin.

Bend, bend, bend, bend, bend.

Bend. That's enough for today.

After you've all had a shower and breakfast,

you'll be pleased to hear I've been able

to arrange a lovely outing for you all

to the famous mineral drink-producing

monastery at Standfast,

where you can actually see the monks

making their own water.

Dismissed.

Oh, you're up already, dear.

Are you ready for some breakfast?

I am. Did you have a good night?

Oh, not bad.

One of the girls from across the way came over,

and dragged me out of the tent,

took me into the woods.

I'm afraid it's only eggs this morning.

Mr Muggins finished all the bacon last night.

How surprising.

- Did you sleep well, dear?

- Not very, no.

You see, this girl kept waking me up

to make love to her.

Oh, poor Mr Muggins.

You know, he does need feeding up.

- Harriet!

- What's the matter, dear?

Don't you think it's time

Mr Muggins got another tent to himself?

Oh, darling, we couldn't chuck him out like that.

He's so helpless.

You mean hopeless.

You're just a bit grumpy this morning.

- Perhaps you had a bad night?

- No, not really, no.

Mind you, it got a bit rough when

the rest of the girls came across and joined us.

I just couldn't satisfy them.

You know, I wouldn't have minded

a bit of that myself.

- A bit of what?

- That bacon. Pity he finished it.

Frustrated?

What do you mean, you feel frustrated?

What did Fiddler say to you yesterday

when you asked him for some eggs?

- He said he was not getting any.

- Exactly.

It's six days now

and those birds are ready to be friendly.

They're friendly, all right.

Mr Fiddler says they're just not laying.

Not the bloomin' chickens!

I mean, Babs,

- and the other.

- Fanny?

Yeah, that's it.

Maybe if we could get hold of 'em...

Yes, but how? How?

With those four beady eyes watching us?

Morning.

Hurry, girls. No dawdling.

See that? They gave us a little wave.

Yeah, fat lot of good that'll do you.

Pity we don't share the same ablutions.

Yeah.

Get your wash things.

- I had a wash yesterday.

- You'll have another one today.

- But I'm on holiday!

- Oh, come on. Come on.

This way, girls.

- Hello there.

- Hello.

(Whistles)

What are you doing?

We haven't come here to wash.

- But you said I was going to have another...

- Sh!

- What are you up to?

- They can't stop us talking through the wall.

Hey, hurry up, Barbara.

Oh, just a minute. I've only just got in, dear.

BABS:
"Of course, sir. Sorry we busted in

on you like that last night, sir."

I can hear her just the other side of the wall.

- Who?

- Babs, I think.

Hey, look!

Bernie, Bernie, Bernie.

You'll break out in boils.

It's Babs. I recognise the dimples.

Hey, Babs!

It's me. Sid Boggle.

Can you hear me?

Only just. You'll have to speak up a bit.

I was wondering if

we could meet up somewhere tonight.

Meet where?

Hello?

Sid, watch it.

Hello?

(Sid whistles)

Sid!

Are you still there?

Sid, are you still there?

Barbara, who are you talking to?

Ooh. Ooh, no-one, Matron.

Come out of there immediately.

I thought so!

Disgusting brutes!

What is it? What's the matter?

Some man's been looking at us.

Are you there?

Get out of here. Quick!

- How do you do?

- Hello.

Filthy beasts!

Disgusting be...

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

I've had another letter from Mum. She's worried.

- Oh? What about this time?

- Oh, the usual.

"I had a nasty dream last night

about you and Anthea.

You were asleep in your tent,

and these two big, lusty farm hands broke in

and cultivated your friendship."

Mm. Chance would be a fine thing.

Anthea!

Ooh, I'm sorry.

It just sort of slipped out.

Ooh, look, there they are.

Murder, in't it? Like having a permanent itch

and nothing to scratch it with.

Do you really think they fancy us?

Fancy us? Your trouble is you don't recognise

a green light when you see it.

I haven't had much luck with the red ones,

either.

- Where do you think you're going?

- For a walk.

- On tiptoe?

- I didn't want to wake you.

Now, look, don't you kid me, Sid Boggle.

You're eyeing those two flashy birds.

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