Carry on Camping Page #6

- What about the light?

- OK.

What are you doing?

(Springs boing)

Oh, come on out, quick, Anthea,

it's a smashing day.

Ooh, yes, it's lovely.

Where are the boys?

(Sneezes)

Oh!

What did you want to do that for?

Right. Let's go.

Darling, is it quite fair on Mr Muggins

to leave him like this?

Yes. Now, stop talking and get out of here.

Ah, there you are. Good morning, girls.

Good morning, Dr Soaper.

Hurry up now. The coach is waiting.

Sorry we busted in on you like that last night, sir.

I hope we didn't ruin things for you.

Not at all. It was just a misunderstanding

over the room numbers, you understand.

- Of course, sir.

- I wonder how it could have happened.

The doors were all marked so clearly, sir.

Well, no harm done. I was only in there for a bit.

Of course, sir. No harm in a bit now and then.

Good morning, Matron.

I was just explaining to the girls about last night.

No, please don't say anything more.

I fear I owe you an apology.

Not at all.

You weren't to know I was in the wrong room.

Oh, no, please. I have been thinking about it.

I should never have screamed out like that.

It was most immature of me.

Oh, I wouldn't say that... What?!

You see, I've always led a very sheltered life.

And before this, no man has ever tried

to force his attentions on me.

I can well believe it. All the same...

But I am not a child.

I am aware that a man has

these uncontrollable urges

- from time to time.

- Only at Christmas and bank holidays.

I should really feel very flattered that

you would want to release them on me.

Oh, but I don't, Matron, I assure you.

Oh, I realise, of course,

it was the sight of me in the shower

that aroused your slumbering manhood.

Oh, but it wasn't slumbering, it was only half...

No, please don't say any more!

Just be patient with me.

Remember, I am inexperienced in such things.

Just don't rush me.

I think you'll find it's worth waiting for.

Yes, so's Christmas,

but you won't find me stuffing your turkey.

(Breathes in deeply)

- Well, if this is paradise, give me hell.

- I will if you don't stop moaning.

- What have I got to be cheerful about?

- Well, I thought we might come again next year.

Over my dead body.

To tell you the truth,

we were a bit worried, weren't we?

Yes.

Worried? What about?

Oh, it's silly, I know,

but we thought all coming camping together,

you two boys might have tried it on.

That's funny. Sid and me thought that, didn't we?

Did we?

- How do you do, all?

- Hello, Mr Fiddler.

What's this, then? Caught colds, have you?

Oh, no, just giving our feet some air, that's all.

- You've settled in all right, then?

- Yes, very nicely, thank you.

Look, you didn't say nothing

about putting up a clothesline.

Oh, don't you allow them, then?

It's just that it takes up so much space.

That's why we have to make a small charge.

- Small charge?

- Oh, now, look. Just a nominal one, mind.

- A pound?

- Oh, no, you can put four up for a pound.

Get away.

You mean to tell me,

you will let us put up one clothesline,

occupying at least ten feet of empty air,

for only five shillings?

Ah, no. One's 7s/6d. Four for a pound.

- You skinflint! You scavenger!

(Horn blares)

(Horn blares)

Don't worry.

We'll come to some arrangement about the line.

Yes, round your bloomin' neck.

- Sid, you must not talk to him like that.

- Well, he gets on my wick.

Blimey, ten quid we spent here. Anybody

would think the bloomin' field belonged to him.

Sid, my stew!

Argh!

That's it. Pack up. Pack up.

We're getting out of this joint right now.

Come on. Get this stuff up.

- I say, thanks most awfully for the lift.

- That's all right.

Come along, girls. Collect your bags.

This way.

Such charming company, too.

I say, could I give something towards the petrol?

Well, you could give something for all the food.

Ooh, but I'd be delighted.

- Thank you.

- Don't mention it.

Here you are, Sid. Joan says to put

some of this ointment on your poor feet.

Never mind about my feet.

Get them tents down and let's get out of here.

Righto.

Look at that!

What?

- I don't think much of yours.

- Oh, I don't know.

She's got lovely big... blue eyes.

You can have the one in the blazer.

Well?

Well, what?

- Well, are we leaving, or not?

- What? A lovely cheap place like this?

- I don't call ten quid cheap.

- Oh, shut up!

Leaving? You must be barmy.

That's it. Frames up first and then canvas later.

And there's bedding and bunks by the coach.

No, no, Barbara! Tent up first, bunk up later.

Ah, that's it, girls. Very good.

Frames first and then canvas over later.

Oh, excellent. Well done, Matron.

Oh, well, it seems a little bit rickety, Doctor.

Is it? Yes, well, of course,

it's fairly easy to get it up,

it's getting it to stay up, that's what counts.

Oh, you haven't pegged it down properly.

Oh, you must forgive me, Doctor,

I've never done it before.

Yes, so you told me earlier.

Excuse me.

Oh, Doctor, I suppose you haven't room for me?

- Room for you?

- Yes. You see, I happen to have lost my tent.

My dear man, these tents are all for young girls.

Oh, well, I'm not fussy.

- Well, I am.

- Oh.

Well, what about the little one at the far end?

That, sir, is my habitat.

Oh, I do beg your pardon.

Do you know, I thought that you and she...

- Certainly not!

- Oh, in that case, I don't mind sharing with her.

Well, you're certainly not fussy.

Here we are again, Mr Fiddler.

- Welcome back, Mrs Potter, Mr Potter.

- Oh, thank you. Did you get our booking?

Ah, yes. Now about that, Mrs Potter...

I've got a bit of a shock.

You mean, there's no room?

Oh, no, I can always manage

to squeeze old customers in all right.

Oh.

It's just that overheads have gone up so much

since you were here last. I've had to...

How much more this year, Mr Fiddler?

A pound.

Oh, we quite understand.

You might, I don't.

Just what overheads do you have, Mr Fiddler?

It's only a field.

To you, Mr Potter, maybe.

Take that grass, it don't grow by itself, you know.

It has to be manured regular.

And manure's gone up by ten pound a load now.

Sounds a real bargain to me, Mr Fiddler.

What is it? Second-hand?

Mrs Potter, hello!

Mrs Potter, I'm coming.

Oh, look, darling. Look, it's Mr Muggins.

Yeah, well, your problems are solved,

Mr Fiddler.

At least, you won't have to buy

any more manure.

- Supper's ready.

- Good. I'm starving.

Where are the boys?

It's awfully sweet of you to help us like this.

It's nothing. It's a pleasure, isn't it, Bern?

Oh, yeah. Especially when

you're as well-equipped as you are.

Thanks for the compliment.

No, I meant with camping equipment.

Don't spoil it.

Are you two here on your own?

Oh, no, we've got our girlfr...

- Ow!

- Sorry.

Were you going to say

you've got girlfriends with you?

No, he always calls them that.

They're relations, actually. Aunties.

Oh, well, then, they won't mind

you being with us, will they?

Mind? They'll be tickled pink.

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