Carry on Doctor Page #9

---

I haven't got a lump. Are you mad?

Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear.

Looks like a severe case

of water in the lower bowel,

aggravated by wind in the Upper Nile.

I heartily concur. We'll have to have it off.

- You mean, have it out?

- Have it out, and have it off.

- Right, let's go. Scalpel.

- Scalpel.

- Sharpener.

- Sharpener.

- What about the anaesthetic?

- Oh, no, I don't think so.

We want him to enjoy it, don't we?

- Argh!

- Wait, wait. We forgot to shave him.

Ah, yes, I'm glad you reminded me.

Most important.

Let me do that. I used to be a barber.

- Brush.

- Brush.

- Lather.

- Lather.

- Razor.

- Razor.

No, no, not up there.

- Down here, where his trouble is.

- Wait a minute. Wait, wait.

Tinkle, it's your last chance. Will you sign?

Of course not! Do you think I'm an idiot?

You wouldn't dare do anything to me,

and you know it.

Oh, yes, I would.

Oh, yes. I've got nothing to lose.

I've only got a couple of days to live.

What are you talking about?

There's nothing wrong with you, you fool!

Oh, yes, you can say that now, but you only

gave me a week. Don't forget that!

I said you could only stay in the hospital

for a week.

- Ye... Eh?

That's right.

Doctor Kilmore told me there was nothing

wrong with you except a few bruises

the day after they brought you in.

Are you telling me

I married that old bag for nothing?

Yes!

Now perhaps you'll stop all this nonsense

and let me up!

Not on your nelly.

I'll cut his two-faced...

Wait, wait a minute. Wait.

It's no good. He'll never sign.

Wait a minute. There's just one more chance.

You're wasting your time.

You can't do anything to frighten me!

Come on, then. Turn him over on his side.

- Right.

- No, no, no! I'll sign! I'll sign!

Doctor, just a minute.

It's poor Grandad. Oh, that little devil!

This way.

Never mind, Grandad. You'll soon have it off.

- Oh, Doctor?

- Yes, Dr Kilmore?

- I have a casualty for you.

- Oh, yes. Come this way, please.

I'll attend to it right away.

Carry on, Doctor.

And you.

Goodbye, Mr Barron.

That's a wonderful baby you've got.

Yes, isn't he?

You know, I really think it's been worth

all the suffering, don't you, dear?

Oh, yes, dear.

We could have another one if you like.

I think we ought to get home first.

I have to feed baby in an hour.

Yes.

- Bye-bye, Doctor.

- Bye, Mr Barron.

Oh, do you? I do not wish to live

in a nice little flat in Eastbourne.

- Don't be silly. I know what's best for you.

- Oh, do you?

No more traipsing round the country

giving silly lectures.

Silly lectures?!

- Yes. Rubbish.

- Rubbish?!

Rubbish, and you know it. The Bigger Way

To Health And Happiness indeed!

No. A good, steady job, that's what you need.

- Yes. I know what you need.

- What was that?

- Nothing.

- What?

- Nothing!

- Why shout?

Oh, I'm sorry. She will definitely have to go.

What now?

Oh, I've done my back! My back, it's agony!

- It is agony.

- Well, I told you to mind the step.

Hurts a bit, does it, Mr Bigger?

Yes. Oh, it's agony!

I shall be here for months.

With any luck.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes