Carry on Doctor Page #8

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It's all clear. Come on.

Hey, Nurse?

Pull your knicker up.

Nurse, give this suppository

to Miss Morris in bed three.

Good evening.

Mavis?

- Ted, what on earth...

- Shh!

I had to get to see you somehow.

- Listen, have you heard about Dr Kilmore?

- I'll say. I thought it was rotten.

Some of us are going to do something about it.

- Are you with us?

- Yeah, rather.

Good. Get all the women who can walk

ready for action, and wait for my whistle.

- OK?

- OK.

That's my girl.

Nurse?

Yes, what is it?

You want a what?

Oh. Very well. I'll go and get it for you.

What is it?

- Hello, Kenneth.

- Hello, Matron.

It's only little me.

I thought you'd be surprised.

Matron! What is it?

What do you want?

- Don't you know?

- No. What is it? Are you not feeling well?

I'm feeling wonderful. I just thought we might

have a little drink to celebrate.

Celebrate? Celebrate what?

The way we got rid of Dr Kilmore

and that silly girl.

Oh, that. Yes. Well, I appreciate your help

in that matter, Matron,

and I'd like to have a drink with you sometime...

No, now, Kenneth.

I'm in the mood.

And don't keep calling me Matron, naughty boy.

It's Lavinia.

But someone might come in, you see.

You must leave my room at once.

No, really, Matron. I mean, Lavinia.

Wouldn't it be awful, Kenneth,

if someone found out

Dr Kilmore was right about you having a girl

in your room that night?

Not that I'd want to tell anyone, of course.

Not unless I had to.

Well, perhaps just a quick one.

Phew! I'm glad I'm out of that lot.

Funny thing about that uniform.

- I was beginning to fancy you.

- Oh, shut up!

Thank you, Nurse. Thank you very much.

- Everybody ready?

Yes.

- Where will Tinkle be now?

- In his room on the top floor.

Right. Let's go.

Wait for me.

No. You'd better stay put, Mr Barron.

You're not well enough.

After all the prenatal classes

he made me go to? Not bloody likely.

Spoken like a true mother. Men, forward!

What are you doing?

Get back to your beds at once.

At once, do you hear, or I shall call the orderlies.

What is the meaning of this?

Having a bit of trouble, Ken?

Sister wants to call for help.

Maybe you can persuade her not to.

It'll be a pleasure. Come on, girls.

Keep away from me!

What the devil's going on?

Fancy wearing red ones under all that!

Get back in your room and keep quiet.

Oh...

And what is this, then? The revolt of the slaves?

Yeah.

We've got business to settle with Tinkle.

Tinkle? And you think I'm staying in there?

I should say so.

Up the rebels, and to hell with Burgundy.

- Where?

- Burgundy!

I don't think she'll give you any more trouble.

Nice work, love.

Right, fall in. Forward march!

What's going on?

What are you lot going to?

You shouldn't be up. You should be...

What are you doing? I'll tell Dr Tinkle!

Matron, please! I'm not that kind of doctor.

Don't deny yourself, Kenneth.

We've wasted so many years.

This is our moment of fulfilment.

But I don't want to feel full... full feel... I...

You don't understand. This sort of thing

could ruin my training programme.

- Oh, forget about that, Kenneth!

- I can't forget it.

It's my duty to keep myself fit and strong.

You may not realise it

but I was once a weak man.

Once a week's enough for any man.

Kiss me, Kenneth.

Send me!

You don't know what agony it's been,

yearning for you, yearning to give you my all.

But I don't want your all.

I don't even want a little bit.

I will not be put off! Not after all I've done for you!

Matron!

Matron, no, please. Oh, your hand!

Where have you put your hand?

Well, I've heard of the bedside manner,

but this...

What do you mean by this intrusion?

What do you think you're doing?

Not what you thought of doing, that's for sure.

Matron and I were discussing business.

She came to see me about some cases.

How dare you burst into Dr Tinkle's room

in this manner? Back to your wards!

- Mavis?

- Yes?

Get this old battleship out of here.

Battleship!

Come on, girls.

Don't you dare!

What is it? What do you want?

What we want from you is a signed confession.

The matron and I weren't doing anything.

You've only got to look at her to realise that.

But we didn't mean her.

We meant you and that little nurse.

The one with the big glands.

Certainly not. You can't make me do that.

You want to bet?

You'd better get the doctor's bath ready,

Mr Roper.

Yes, Nurse. A pleasure.

Now, wait a minute. You've no right...

Now, look here...

All you have to do is tell the truth

about what happened to Dr Kilmore, Matron.

No, never! You'll regret this, all of you.

Not half as much as you will.

All right, girls, get the stuff.

What are you going to do?

Give you one of the most diabolical

hospital tortures ever devised.

- A blanket bath.

- No!

No!

All right, now, Mr Roper?

It's enough to freeze the barnacles

off a brass dinghy.

Get your hands off me!

All right, Mr Smith, hold him over it.

Now will you sign, Doctor?

Certainly not. You wouldn't dare.

You can't fool me.

Oh, Mr Smith, I'm surprised at you.

Oh, I'm sorry. He slipped out of my hands.

You're fools! Idiots!

You'll never force me this way!

I take a cold shower every morning.

That's it. Lukewarm water, lovely rough flannels.

You're going to love this, Matron.

- All right, girls, let's get her things off.

- Don't you dare!

We can't take a bed bath

with our clothes on, can we?

Hey, look at that! Miss Bedpan, 1968!

No!

- Are you ready to tell?

- No, never!

Right!

Here we go.

Arrgh! No!

Ooh! Ooh!

Poor old Matron. That's going too far, that is.

No, no, I'll never sign.

Never! Do you hear?

Sam, Henry, stop them! Do something!

Oh!

The wind's getting up again.

Yeah. Maybe we ought to do something, eh?

Yeah. But let's have another quick look first.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

No, no, I'll tell, I'll tell, I'll tell!

Here, where have they gone?

You won't get away with it.

Don't tell me they're going to...

Where are you? I know you're here.

Answer me.

All right, you've had your fun.

I'll make a bargain with you.

Let me go and I'll say nothing

about your conduct tonight.

That's fair, isn't it?

Answer me!

Do you hear? Answer!

What are you doing?

All right, you've had your fun.

Let me go.

Answer me.

Do you hear?

Answer me!

What are you doing?

You wouldn't dare.

Now, come along.

Ah!

No, you wouldn't dare.

No, come on. Let's...

Let's be reasonable about this.

Oh!

Come on, you've had your little joke.

We've all had a bit of fun.

Let me go now

and we'll forget about the whole thing, eh?

- No, don't do that. I hate it!

- Wait, wait, wait.

- So, you'll sign, then?

- I didn't say that, but I'll forget about tonight.

It looks like we'll have to proceed

with the removal as planned, Mr Bigger.

I fear so, Mr Roper.

What removal? Removal?

Cor, blimey!

Have you ever seen such a horrible one?

Oh, dear, dear, dear!

How long have you had a lump like that, Doctor?

What do you mean, a lump?

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