Carry on Doctor Page #7

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Of course not.

Any man is entitled to make a mistake.

Provided he doesn't make a ruddy habit of it.

- Do sit down, Kilmore.

- Thank you.

Aye, well, I'm known as a fair man,

and I intend to conduct this inquiry

in a fair and just manner. Understood?

Oh, yes. Thank you, sir.

Well, what the hell are you, then?

A sex maniac or summat?

What?! Oh, that's hardly fair, sir.

If it was me, peeking at girls in the half-raw,

stripping them, and mucking about with them

in baths, what would I be?

A wishful thinker?

Now, then, Kilmore,

rudeness will get you nowhere, you know.

I'm sorry, but I just want to make an explanation.

What were you doing on the roof

of the nurses' home?

Well, sir,

I saw Nurse May climb through the window,

and, naturally, I thought she was going to jump.

- Why should she do that?

- Because of what happened the night before.

What did you do to her the night before?

I didn't do anything to her. It was...

Go on, Kilmore.

I want Sir Edmund to hear your full story.

All right, then.

Dr Tinkle had a row with her in his room,

and she got very upset.

A row? In my room?

Yes.

Matron was there. She can tell you.

Well, Matron?

I haven't the least idea

what Dr Kilmore is talking about.

But this is absurd!

Nurse May. Get her in and ask her.

Oh, yes, I'd like to see her.

I've heard she's quite...

I'm afraid that's not possible. Nurse May has left.

She was so upset by Dr Kilmore's conduct.

I don't blame her.

But...

Nurse Clarke. Now, she'll back me up.

She thought Nurse May was going to jump too.

Is that right, Matron?

I'm sure she'd back him up, Sir Edmund.

Nurse Clarke has what is commonly known

as a crush on Dr Kilmore.

Has she really?

They were kissing outside the door just now.

I was right. He is a sex maniac!

What's the matter?

Don't you ever have enough?

I've had enough of this farce.

I know when I'm licked.

And don't bother to sack me. I resign!

And you can stick this job

in the "wanted" column.

Your resignation is accepted, Doctor,

and don't bother asking me for a reference!

I wouldn't ask you for an aspirin tablet,

you old poop face!

What did you call me?

Poop face!

P- O-O-P.

Poop.

- Poop face?

- That's what I heard! That's what he called him.

- Well, good for old Dr Kilmore.

- Excuse me?

Poop face!

I beg your pardon?

Oh, sorry. Not you, Chaplain.

I'm wondering

where I can find Mr Francis Bigger.

Oh, he's in the privates.

Pardon?

In the private wards!

You go through the door and turn left.

Thank you so much.

Here, what does he want him for?

Has he had it?

Haven't you heard? He's getting married.

Here's the chaplain, Mr Bigger.

- Oh, how do you do?

- How do you do? How do you do?

Yes...

Well, have you got the licence, dear?

The licence!

Licence.

That's the style. No, dear. That's for the dog.

The one for the other thing.

The licence! Yes.

That's better.

Now... Have you got the ring?

The ring!

Gold. You didn't have to go mad, dear.

I said, "You didn't have to go mad. "

Oh, no, it didn't cost me anything.

It was my mother's wedding ring.

Really? Hmm.

You didn't tell me she was married.

Do you still want me to be a bridesmaid?

Yes, please, Nurse, if you would.

And someone should give Miss Gibson away.

They'll have to.

They'll never get anything for her.

I beg your pardon.

Don't worry. I'll find someone.

I... I haven't conducted a wedding

in hospital before.

Oh... Well, look, Your Reverence,

we just want a simple ceremony.

Nothing expensive.

Just the "don't yous" or "do yous",

and no organ, and no sex chat.

I beg your pardon?

I'm afraid my battery's a bit low.

I can certainly pick 'em.

Sorry, Fred, but I did promise her faithful

I'd go and visit her again.

I'm warning you, if they come round

with any more of that medicine, I'm off.

Talk about running.

I must have broken all records.

Mr Biddle? What do you think you're doing?

- Sorry. No speak-a Engleesh.

- Just a moment, Mr Biddle. I want you.

Oh, come off it, Nurse.

Please. I only want to visit somebody

for a few minutes.

I have a job for you first, Mr Biddle.

- But there's only ten minutes' visiting left, Nurse.

- It shouldn't take that long.

Oh! In here.

Oh, Sister?

Would you mind telling my husband

I won't be able to visit him this evening?

Only, it's started.

Do you, Francis Kitchener Bigger,

take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

I do!

Do you, Chloe Gibson, take this man

to be your lawful, wedded husband?

I do!

No, he's asking you.

Do you, etcetera etcetera?

Oh, yes.

- Well, dear, look, don't tell me, tell him.

- I do.

Yeah, she does!

I do!

All right, dear.

Any longer, I shall be too tired

for my honeymoon.

Hurry up.

Have you got the ring?

The ring? What ring?

Ring. Ring!

Where's the ring?

No, dear, I don't want it. Give it to the referee.

No, no! The best man should have it.

Right, now, we've got that sorted out.

What happens next?

The best man hands it to the bridegroom.

Thank you.

Now, repeat after me...

Will you speak up, because she cannot hear!

With this ring,

- I thee wed.

- Louder.

With this ring, I thee wed!

Now you, dear. Go on.

With this ring, I thee wed.

Will you speak up, dear?

With this ring, I thee wed!

...and have declared the same

by giving and receiving of a ring,

and by joining of hands,

I pronounce that they be man and wife together.

Congratulations.

- Good luck.

- Thank you.

- Good evening, all.

- Evening, doc.

Just looked in to say goodbye.

I'm off first thing in the morning.

I've got a better job, up north.

You don't have to kid us, doc.

We've heard all about it.

Oh...

Oh, I see.

I thought they ought to know the truth.

It wasn't fair, the way they treated you.

Well... can't be helped.

Well...

Oh, one last story.

Did you hear about the little boy

who swallowed half-a-crown?

No.

Two days later his mother phoned

to see how he was, and they said,

"There's still no change. "

Oh, well. Bye.

Ta-ta, doc.

Bye, doc.

Ah, now, come on. That's enough of that.

Look at all the smudges you're putting on that.

Cheer up, Nurse. That won't do any good.

I bet Florence Nightingale never cried.

No. Would've put her lamp out.

I can't help it. It's all so unfair.

But you know what really happened.

Why don't you go and tell them?

They'd never believe me.

Not after Matron and Dr Tinkle.

She can't do anything.

They've got him by the aniseeds.

That Dr Tinkle! If I got hold of him,

I'd shove a catheter right up his nostril.

Good idea. Here, why don't all us patients

go and have a talk with Tinkle?

Lovely. But what about Matron and Sister?

The women patients'll take care of that.

Why don't you get something organised

with that bird of yours?

- Mavis?

- Yes.

Uh-oh...

I'll never get past her.

There must be some way

of getting you into that ward.

- Nurse Clarke.

- You can't get her mixed up in this.

She'd lose her job.

It wouldn't be her fault if she left her uniform

lying about and somebody used it.

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