Carry on Doctor Page #6

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Oh. Will I have an anaesthetic, Doctor?

Certainly not!

- Won't it hurt?

- Yes, it will hurt, and I want it to hurt.

Perhaps next time you consider having a lump,

you'll think twice about it.

Good morning, Mr Roper.

Yep.

Ah, temperature four degrees

below normal today.

- No.

- Yes.

- I can't understand that.

- Perhaps the tea was cold this morning.

- I don't know what you mean.

- Don't you?

Now that it's down,

we must endeavour to keep it down.

Matron, give Mr Roper ice-water baths

every four hours.

- Ice water!

- Day and night.

That ought to do it, Doctor.

Ah, Mr Barron. I've been reading

the psychologist's report on you.

He seems to think

you're suffering from a sympathetic pregnancy.

Oh, no, Doctor, I'm just going to have a baby.

By that he means you're feeling all the ill-effects

normally experienced by a mother-to-be.

Yes, I suppose you could put it like that.

Quite, and since you've insisted

on assuming the role of a mother,

we've decided to play along with you.

Oh, Doctor, how splendid!

Don't mention it.

I'd like Mr Barron to attend

all the hospital's prenatal exercise classes.

I'd better see how Mr Wrigley is progressing.

Very well, Doctor. Sit up, please, Mr Wrigley.

Ooh, I still don't like the look of him.

Ah, how are you feeling, Mr Bigger?

Shocking!

Doctor, I've got a green tongue.

- Dear, dear. How are your bowels?

- Well, I don't know. I haven't looked.

A good big dose for you this evening.

Now, come along, back to bed.

Is the back still painful?

Oh, yes! Never mind. What does it matter?

It's only a question of time.

Oh, don't be like that, Mr Bigger.

We must do what we can for you.

You're not going to be with us for long.

Well, don't keep harping on it.

You'll be measuring me up for my coffin next.

I don't think that'll be necessary.

No. With the National Health Service,

I shall be lucky to get an old tea chest.

A tea crate!

Matron, I think we'll try a bit of traction

on Mr Bigger.

- A bit of traction.

- A bit of what?

Traction. It's a system of heavy weights

designed to stretch you.

What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?

No, thank you. I'd rather lie here and shrivel.

Traction is considered

a very effective treatment for back trouble.

Look, I don't...

Effective?

What, you mean I might even live?

I'm sure you will. Nobody's died of it yet.

Well, don't just stand there. Get your tractor out.

# Rock'n'roll on the radio

It's Mr Roper's.

Oh, the temperature king, eh?

Let's see.

I may be wrong, Nurse,

but I think Mr Roper is producing neat Scotch.

This is very interesting.

Dr Kilmore!

What is it?

- Look!

- Where, where?

Oh, good grief!

- Don't!

- Don't shout at her like that.

That's the worst thing you could do.

We've got to try and stop her.

We must reason with her, quietly.

Try and talk her out of it. Come on.

- Which room?

- That one.

It's locked.

The roof, quick.

It's all right, it's only me.

Go away, you dirty Peeping Tom!

See, I didn't know that you were sunbathing.

I thought you were going to jump.

What's all the screaming?

I don't know.

Blimey! Look!

A rooftop drama!

Argh!

Have a look at this!

What is it?

What is going on in here?

Get back in your beds at once!

And miss this? Not on your nelly.

What's going on in here?

What do you think you're doing?

Come down at once!

Oh, he must be mad.

I always suspected he was unstable.

Unstable's the word. Look at the idiot.

Oh!

What is it? What's happened?

N... Nothing. It's all right. I'm coming back now.

Whoa!

Argh!

Oh!

Hold on!

I'm coming.

Oh!

Argh!

Help!

Don't move.

Don't move? I can't move!

I'm here.

Hold on.

I'll never reach it.

Wait a minute.

I'm not going anywhere.

Oh!

I hope...

Grab hold of my leg.

Got it.

I'm OK. Climb up me.

Argh!

Help!

Oh!

Argh!

Agh!

Arrgh!

Oh!

Oh...

Dread... Dreadfully sorry. I... I...

I didn't realise that... that you were here.

You see, I...

I was outside, and I didn't really know...

know that you were here.

Would you like to try... try those on?

Argh!

- What are you doing?

- Well, I'm sorry. You see, I... I...

I came in through... through the window.

I... I didn't... I'm terribly...

It says here, "He tried to peep at one nurse

sunbathing in the semi-nude,

half-stripped another,

and attacked a third one in her bath. "

I wonder what he has for breakfast.

That's a load of rubbish.

Doc Kilmore's not like that.

We saw him rip her skirt off, didn't we?

Not on purpose. It was an accident.

That's what I told my old woman.

I still had to marry her.

He tried to stop himself falling off the roof.

Ah, but what was he doing on the roof, eh?

Argh!

- Come along, Mr Roper. Bath time.

- Not again. My temperature's normal now.

I can't help that.

Dr Tinkle's orders, every four hours.

Here, you'll get shot if she sees you.

She won't, if she's getting the bath ready for him.

Uh-oh.

Mr Biddle?

- Is that what you want?

- Yes, thank you.

Another time, just ring for it.

Oh, ding-dong.

Oh!

- Come along, Mr Roper.

- All right, all right, I'm coming.

Where's Mr Barron?

Still at classes. It's all right for him.

Right leg raised, two, three,

lower, two, three.

Both legs raised, two...

Come on, Mr Barron. You're not trying.

Argh!

Lower, two, three.

Right leg raised, two, three.

Lower, two, three.

Now, sit up, ladies.

Arms above the heads.

Breathe in, two, three,

out, two, three.

Let me go back to bed. I'm all right now.

- Here's the ice, Sister.

- Put it in the bath.

- I'm not having that again!

- In you go, and get undressed.

Excuse me, Sister?

I am from Cox & Carter,

about the new rubber sheets.

I'm rather busy now.

I don't need to bother you, Sister.

I only want to measure the beds for size.

They're all the same.

Use one of the private rooms over there.

Now, come along, Mr Roper. It's...

Don't be a baby, Mr Roper. It's only ice.

I know it is. I just sat on a lump!

Never!

Never again, never. From now on, it's the pill.

Morning, sir. Beg your pardon.

I didn't mean to disturb you.

You fiend!

You might at least have waited till I've gone.

Sister wanted me to do it now, sir.

I shall do you now, if you don't get out.

Now, go on, get out of here!

- Go on, get out!

- I'm sorry. I only want to make my living.

You grave robber!

If I get my hands on you, I'll...

They don't want rubber sheets here,

they want straitjackets.

- Good luck.

- I think I'm going to need it.

Maybe this will help.

When you're quite ready, Dr Kilmore.

- They're waiting for you.

- Er, yes, right, Matron.

You are not needed, Nurse Clarke.

You may return to your duties.

Ah, there you are, Kilmore.

You know Sir Edmund Burke,

chairman of the committee, I believe?

We did bump into each other once before.

Bumped is right.

He went into the back of my Jag.

Did 40 quids worth of damage.

Very unfortunate, but I'm sure you won't allow

that to influence your decision in this case?

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