Carry On Emmannuelle Page #2

- Bowls?

I was having a work-up.

I mean I was getting worked out.

Having a work-out.

Yes. Will there be only fourteen guests

for dinner this evening, sir?

Fourteen, yes. That is correct.

Then I shall inform Mrs Dangle.

Come and lie with me, Emile.

No, I must finish my exercises.

- I can give you much nicer exercises.

- No.

- I am all hot for you.

- Well, have a cold shower.

That's what you said last time

and look what happened.

Oh, yes. I couldn't find the stopcock.

- Caught you.

- Oh, it's you!

It is not nice to peep through keyholes.

Sorry.

You are very rude.

Gordon Bennett!

They're having a phonographic orgy.

- Lift up your arms.

- What for?

- Up, up, up.

- But I don't understand. Why should I lift?

There. That didn't hurt, did it?

- No, no, no.

- Don't be shy, cheri.

I'm not shy, I'm circumspect.

Come on. Don't make a meal of it. It's my turn.

- But you are trembling.

- Yes, of course, I'm cold.

I'll warm you up.

Oh, but why me?

You can have Tom, Dick or Harry.

- I don't want Tom or Harry.

- Oh!

She's got him in a leg lock.

Well, I used to do that when Henry was alive.

I'm sure you didn't do it after he was dead.

- Here, what's he doing?

- Heavy breathing.

Ooh!

Oh, Richmond,

I think you should have a look at this.

- Do you think he ought to at his age?

- It might jog his memory.

- Here, what am I going to see?

- Well, it won't be the Muppet Show.

Is it... is it Starsky And Hutch?

If you ask me, it's more like Starkers And Crutch.

(Crunch)

Hello, hello, hello. What's all this, then?

- It's what the butler saw.

- Here. They're at it.

At what?

Here, hold my hat. Come on. Get off!

- Turn over!

- No, no, I don't like.

- Emile, I am a woman.

- Yes, so I've noticed.

I am your wife. You should not hide from me.

There's not much to hide.

Snow White meets the incredible shrinking man!

I will make you love me if it's the last thing I do.

Aargh!

I think she's knackered him.

Come on. Back on the job.

Get off!

- What is the matter?

- You've broken it.

Oh la la! Turn over and let me have a look.

No, no, not that. My back. I can't move.

- It's probably just cramp.

- No, no. I'm in agony.

Straighten your legs.

I can't straighten anything. I'm completely bent.

- Bend back your toes.

- I caaan't... Oh!

- Don't panic.

- I can't panic, either.

Just lie still.

What else do you think I'm doing,

you stupid fool?

I give up. I'm going to get changed

and I'm going out.

- What for?

- I want Leyland to drive me around London.

But what about me?

Don't worry, my dear.

I'm sure you'll soon be feeling yourself again.

Is that you, Theodore?

Who were you expecting? General Amin?

- I've warmed your slippers. They're in the oven.

- Thank you.

Warmed them? You've roasted them.

Oh, Mother, I do wish

you wouldn't fuss over me so.

It's no trouble at all. I do it for your arthritis.

- I've never had arthritis.

- There you are. It works.

Have you had your vitamin C tablet

this morning?

Yes, Mother.

And your vitamin B tablet?

- Yes, Mother.

- And your halibut oil capsule?

Yes. I've had so many pills,

I'll soon need a stomach pump.

Prevention is better than cure.

Dr Jones said to me, "Mrs Valentine,

your son Theodore is very delicate."

With respect, Mother,

when he said it, I was six months old.

He's a very clever doctor, Dr Jones.

If you were at death's door,

he'd pull you through.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Theodore, you're sickening for something.

Mother, come and sit down. I want to talk to you.

Very well.

Now then, what shall we talk about?

Mother, I've met someone that's very dear to me.

Was it your Auntie Hilda, dear?

No, Mother. I've met this girl.

This wonderful girl.

Don't be silly. There's no such thing.

I think I'm in love.

Oh, nonsense! You're far too young.

I'm thirty-four, and a half.

But you've got your whole life in front of you.

You don't want to fritter it away

on some slip of a girl.

But, Mother, she's exquisite.

I know you'd like her.

I wouldn't count on it, dear.

- I'm going to marry her.

- Nonsense. I'll never give you my permission.

I don't need your permission, Mother.

You're just like your father.

He went off with some slip of a girl

and he never got my permission, either.

This your first time in London, is it?

Well, keep your ears peeled,

cos little old Leyland here's

gonna give you the grand tour.

And why not? After all, I've lived here all my life,

even before I was born.

And believe me, no-one knows better than I do

this is the greatest city in the world.

If you're feeling lonely,

why don't you come up here, eh?

No? Oh, well. It ain't compulsory.

Now up here you see is Oxford Street.

That's where the tourists come

to do their shoplifting.

Oh, God! Laugh-a-minute Leyland,

they call me, up the morgue.

Look, love.

You can see a lot better from up here.

Eh?

Ah, well, perhaps I should put it on

automatic pilot and come back there with you.

Cos I'm driving you now, you know,

in a Daimler pervertible.

The hood doesn't go down,

but the chauffeur does.

Well, we're heading

for Downing Street now, No.10.

You've heard of that, eh?

Cos not many people know that No.12 Downing

Street is the office of the government whips.

If you like that sort of thing.

I'm feeling very hot.

Yeah. I'm getting a bit warm myself.

Ah, now there's a sight to warm the cockles -

Trafalgar Square.

And there it is, an inspiration to mankind.

Nelson's Column.

Lady Hamilton had it built to remember him by.

Mind you, with a column like that,

how could she forget him?

(Leyland laughs)

It never fails.

Next time round, I think I'll start here.

Thank you, Lady Hamilton.

I want to see the guards getting changed.

They are very... sexy, these guards.

When they get a butcher's at you,

you'd better be on guard.

What is the matter with them?

They never even looked at me.

Well, they're not allowed to, not on duty.

You could strip off in front of one of them guards,

and he wouldn't bat an eyelid.

We shall see about that.

Drive me to St James's Palace, Leyland.

# The woman is love crazy

# She's loving all night

# The woman is love crazy

# Won't stop for a bite

# The woman is love crazy

# She's out on her own

# Sometimes I work so hard

# I wish she'd leave me alone

# The woman is love crazy

# She's loving all night

# The woman is love crazy

# Won't stop for a bite

# The woman is love crazy

# She's out on her own

# Sometimes it gets so hard

I just don't want to go home

# If the feeling ever takes her

# She don't care where we are

# It's good loving in the disco

# It's good loving in the car

# But if I don't keep her happy

# She would leave me, she would

# So I got to hang on in there

# Hang on in there, hang on in there

# The woman is love crazy

# She's loving all night

# The woman is love crazy

# Won't stop for a bite

# The woman is love crazy

# She's out on her own

# Sometimes I work so hard

# I wish she'd leave it all alone

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