Carry On Emmannuelle Page #3

# The woman is love crazy

# She's loving all night

# The woman is love crazy

# Won't stop for a bite

# The woman is love crazy

she's out on her own

Hello there, ducky.

Emmannuelle! I hope you're going

to wear something under that dress.

Oh, yes. Chanel 5.

No, no! Tonight you must be respectable.

You must be on your best behaviour.

Everything you say and do

will reflect on our beloved Republic.

But this is the latest from Paris. It shows style.

It shows more than that. It shows

everything you've got. Well, almost.

- Why's that so terrible?

- It's not nice!

How would you like it if men were to walk about

in see-through trousers?

I would like this very much.

There is nothing wrong with the body.

There is no need to flash it all over the place.

I think we should all go round naked.

We'd all be much healthier.

- We'd all be in bed with the flu.

- Nudity is perfectly natural.

No, no. Even Adam and Eve had a fig leaf.

You must dress in a way that is befitting

for the wife of an ambassador.

Especially in view of our distinguished guests -

the Prime Minister,

the Metropolitan Commissioner of Police,

the ambassador

for the United States of America,

Excuse me.

Field Marshal Hune, Chief of Staff,

the Arabian ambassador.

(Slurps)

The Lord Chief Justice of the Appeals Court

and Master of the Rolls,

Admiral Sir John Hardiner,

not to mention all their distinguished wives.

- How do you do?

- Not very often, I'm afraid.

Too much bench, not enough wench.

I will say my wife is a better diplomat than I am.

Yes, I have it off with everybody.

Hit. Hit it off.

She means

she hit it off with everybody.

Ah, yes. And what were you doing

in the Far East, my dear?

Oh, nothing much. Sleeping around, mostly.

Er... she means sleeping around

in many parts of the world.

Has it ever occurred to you

how easy it would be at an occasion such as this

to assassinate your husband?

Assassinate my husband?

Who would want to do that?

I would be more concerned about the method.

But...

How could anyone do such a thing

here at the table?

Easily. A weapon could be concealed

in a man's belt or in a holster strapped to his leg.

A lady could have a gun under her skirt.

Merde.

Assassinate my husband.

That is more appropriate.

Oh, I've dropped my earring.

- May I help, my dear?

- No! Oh, no, no. It's OK. I can manage.

Thank you.

- The cost of living must be brought down.

- Oh, I agree.

Everything's going up these days.

You're so right.

The wheel has... turned full circle in my country

now there's a...

definite trend towards the swing

against the backlash.

Thank you.

I didn't say anything.

In my country, it is the duty of women

to give pleasure to men.

I'm glad you agree.

Tell me, Admiral,

how do you enjoy the Navy?

Frankly, I can't stand the sea.

It makes me bloody sick.

Anything wrong?

On the contrary.

Ooh, my goodness! What are you doing here?

I'm looking for a weapon.

Oh! You won't find one here.

- I'm trying to protect you.

- Protect me?

EMMANNUELLE:
I decided

to get to know my husband's friends a little...

How you might say?

...better.

EMMANNUELLE:
I was satisfied.

None of them had a weapon to worry about.

These have arrived for you, madam.

Oh, they're lovely.

They most certainly are, madam.

"To my darling adorable Emmannuelle.

With all my love, Theodore."

Loins, who is Theodore?

I haven't the slightest idea, madam.

I don't know any Theodores.

Oh, well. I always forget their names

long before I forget the important things.

Tell me, Loins.

Do you, er...

believe in free love?

Anything free appeals to me, madam.

And... do I appeal to you?

Yes, madam.

Oh, Loins, you English are so frigid.

Perhaps not so.

After all, they do say

the proof of the pudding is in the eating.

In the... eating?

Yes, madam.

Are you hungry, Loins?

I think I could manage a little nibble.

Coffee?

Pardon?

- Are you for coffee?

- No, thanks. I'm staying here. I'd like coffee.

Yeah. He's in a world of his own, you know.

He hasn't been the same

since he looked through that keyhole.

- I think it's disgusting.

- What? Having it off?

Oh, don't be so crude!

You men are all the same, sex mad.

Yeah, and proud of it. Eh, Richmond?

- Pardon?

- Sex.

No, thanks. I'd rather have some coffee.

Ah, coffee.

Oh, here we are.

Here, me and Mrs Dangle,

we've just been talking about having it off.

Rather you than me.

Eh? No, not together, you berk!

You've been a long time

just taking up a bunch of flowers.

What have you been up to?

Er, nothing at all, really.

Just a little intelligent conversation.

Loins, you forgot these.

(Laughs) You randy old retainer!

Could I have a cup of coffee?

You can have anything you want, madam.

Aye aye.

You've started his motor running. Look.

Steady on, Richmond.

It's not proper, you being down below stairs.

Why not? We are all human beings.

There should be no class distinction.

I believe in brotherly love.

Here, that's incest!

Love is the most important thing in the world.

Not to me, it isn't.

That's because you've forgotten

what it's like to be loved by a man.

To feel the warmth of his body

next to yours,

to feel his hot kisses on your lips.

You've started him off again.

We'll have to start putting bromide in his coffee.

Making love is wonderful.

You cannot be angry when you're making love.

Can't we talk about something else?

Oh, no, it's good to talk about it.

It's important to get things off your breast.

Now, I will tell you what we are going to do.

We will all describe

our most unusual amorous experience.

I couldn't possibly do that.

Oh, yes, you can.

It will release your repressions.

Who is going first?

I'll go first.

- Leyland.

- Very well, Leyland. You have the floor.

Face down, I hope.

My most unusual experience

occurred one warm balmy evening last spring

when this young man's fancy

lightly turned to thoughts of lust.

Ooh, you fancy young men, do you?

Mrs Dangle.

Feeling in the need of company,

I transported myself to my favourite pub -

the Tit And Sparrow up Camden Passage.

It took me but a pint to make contact

with a beauteous chickie of the female gender

what would turn any civilised man into a beast.

Despite my natural shy reluctance,

she was insistent

to the point of desperation.

She whisked me off to her luxury flat in Mayfair.

Where to say her intentions were dishonourable

would be an understatement.

No sooner did we reach

her lavishly furnished penthouse

with the chandelier poised gracefully

over the nuptial couch,

she removes my garmentation

in a flash.

Whisks me between the sheets.

I was about to satisfy herself

with my irresistible masculinity, when...

(Shrieks) Oh, my husband!

Her husband.

I shan't tell you exactly what happened

when she joined me in the closet.

The details... are too pornographic,

even for you lot.

Suffice to say that,

despite the cramped confines,

we achieved mutual satisfaction.

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