Carry On Emmannuelle Page #4

Ho, ho, ho, ho. My hangers!

It seems the lady had an unusual hang-up.

She can only make love in a closet,

standing up.

She always arranged it that way.

I found out later she was known

as the Closet Queen of Camden Town.

Richmond, you can go next.

Oh, thanks.

No, no. After all,

he never gets a word in edgewise.

He'd be lucky to get anything in,

edgewise or otherwise,

- if you ask me.

- We didn't.

- Richmond.

- Yeah?

I...

I'm not sure that I can remember all the details.

Oh, come on!

Tell us your most amorous escapade.

It's that far back, he won't remember.

Oh, yes, I do.

It was during the war, when I was in the army.

Oh, those were dark days.

You never knew

which minute was going to be your last.

You had to live dangerously,

and make every moment count.

I went to France to fight the enemy.

Ah! I surrender!

Dans les bois, avec moi.

Avec what?

Oh, God!

It's never like this in Putney.

(Gasps)

RICHMOND:

Ah! Ah, I surrender again! Ah!

Komm.

Hands hoch, in the name of the Reich!

Not you, Fraulein. The British soldier!

Kurt, take ze prisoner away!

Now, Fraulein, you are quite safe.

Oh, thank you.

You are a fine-looking woman.

Oh, naughty, naughty!

- I like you.

- Oh, cheeky!

- I am going to have you.

- No, no, you're not.

Yes, I am. I need to caress a beautiful woman.

You're going to get a hell of a shock if you do.

Come, I want to have you!

Gott im Himmel!

Englische Schweinhund!

- Yes, my daughter?

- The Germans are after me, Father.

Oh, mon Dieu! Don't worry, my child.

You can stay here for as long as you like.

Yes? Where will I sleep?

My niece won't mind you sharing her room.

- Your niece? But...

- Colette?

Non, it's impo... possible.

Come along, my child.

For what I am about to receive...

...thanks!

And I stayed there till 1953.

LYONS:
Just a minute.

The war ended in 1945.

I was in no hurry.

Loins. Now it's your turn.

Well, my most unusual amorous experience,

believe it or not, took place at the zoo.

Went to see his relatives.

Come on, Loins. Tell us about the zoo.

Well, it was a lovely day.

(Thunderclap)

And all around me there was evidence

that spring was in the air.

What's the matter?

Come here, darling.

(Screams)

Let me out!

Help!

Here, did you get anything?

Pneumonia.

Mrs Dangle, your turn.

Very well.

I shall reveal everything.

- Well, if you're going to strip, I'm going.

- Sit down.

My most unusual experience

happened in a launderette.

As anyone knows, launderettes

are better than pubs if you're after a pick-up.

LEYLAND:
I didn't know that.

If you ever get around to washing your clothes,

you'll find out.

Now, this particular day, the place was full.

Unattached people.

Course, you get all types in there.

But then, I prefer all types

to other types.

Through long experience,

and if there's one thing I've had

more than anything else, it's experience,

all you do,

if you're on the make, is you say something like,

Excuse me, dear,

can I borrow some of your suds?

And if that doesn't work, you say,

My, but you've got some saucy underpants.

But despite my unusual attractiveness

and highly reclaimed sex appeal

that day didn't get off to a very promising start.

But sometimes,

when you least expect it,

you see a stranger

across a crowded launderette.

# Striptease instrumental

I knew, when I first laid my eyes on his Y-fronts,

I knew...

...that he

...was the one.

Thank you, Mrs Dangle,

for a most unbelievable experience.

And now I think it's time for you, madam.

- Hear, hear!

- Hear, hear!

Well, I fear, in comparison,

mine may seem rather dull.

I really don't have your imagination.

Why, don't you believe it, darling.

They'll be queuing up for the film rights to yours.

Well, all right.

My most unusual amorous affair,

you may find it hard to believe,

was with my husband.

He has not always been the man you know.

Not very long ago, he was one of the dashing

young sons of la belle France,

with an appetite for the exotic amour

almost equal to my own.

We made love in wild, crazy places,

beautifully,

elementally, in the air.

It was all so wonderful, so dangerous.

Hemingway said, "To make love beautifully

is to die a little each time."

Unfortunately, Emile very soon saw the point.

EMILE:
Aargh!

Aaargh!

Poor Emile.

But now I think we all understand

the master's shortcomings.

RADIO:
# The woman is love crazy

# She's loving all night

# The woman is love crazy

# Won't stop for a bite

# The woman is love crazy

# She's out on her own

# Sometimes I work so hard

# I wish she'd leave me alone

Pardon me, madam,

there's a young man who wishes to see you.

Does he have a name?

I believe he said Theodore Valentine.

Oh, yes, I remember him.

He's the one I don't remember.

Quite, madam.

Oh, well, better keep him waiting a moment

while I make myself respectable.

There, that should do it.

I do wish you wouldn't lie about

in this abandoned fashion.

It's not good for the servants to see you topless.

- I've had no complaints.

- No, you are bold.

I've never seen anyone so bold.

Ah, why don't you stay here

and we can be bold together?

No, I haven't time. I have a meeting

with the Minister of Foreign Affairs.

Oh, him?

He doesn't have any affairs. That's his problem.

Unlike you, I don't judge everyone

by the amount of dilly-dallying they get up to.

You're always too busy to do the things I like.

I'm sure you don't need me

to help you do the things you like.

But I like doing the things I like with you,

as well as with others I like.

Sooner or later,

you are going to ruin our marriage

if you insist on trying

to drag me into your silly amours.

And for goodness' sake, cover yourself up.

Tell her to cover herself up.

Emmannuelle?

Oui, monsieur.

It's me, Theodore.

Don't you remember me?

Non.

- But you haven't looked at me yet.

- I don't recognise your voice.

Look at me!

Well?

You look familiar.

Concorde.

Oh, oui.

Oh, yes.

That was very funny.

I didn't think so.

Didn't you? Well, I mean...

Wasn't it... good?

Well, it was...

...different.

Didn't it mean anything to you?

Oh, yes. I will always fly Concorde in future.

Since that wonderful night, I haven't slept,

or eaten, or even cleaned my teeth.

You don't need to clean your teeth

if you haven't eaten.

I have fallen in love.

Oh, you poor boy!

Who with?

Who do you think?

Is it anyone I know?

It's you, of course.

Oh!

I say, I've never felt like this

about anyone before, not even...

...not even my own mother.

Emmannuelle,

I want to marry you.

Oh, I'm done. Shower time.

Oh, no!

Oh!

You may enter, Monsieur Concorde.

Did you hear what I said? I want to marry you.

If you want to marry me,

you will have to ask my husband.

But I don't want to marry your husband.

I should hope not.

Do you love him?

- Sometimes.

- You don't sound sure.

Oh, yes. I'm sure I love him sometimes.

Well, will you be prepared to leave him for me?

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