Carry on England Page #5

Surely you don't mean a bit of the other?

This, that, or the other, sir.

They is at it all the time.

In and out of each other's quarters

like fiddlers' elbows.

Are they indeed? That is something

to which I'm going to put a bloody stop!

With respect, sir. We cannot stop them

without staying up all night.

That will not be necessary, Sergeant Major.

Sir?

We will build a chastity fence.

- A what, sir?

- A sort of a big belt.

Oooh!

Made of barbed wire.

Cor! That sounds a bit uncomfortable, sir.

Too-wit!

Too-hoo!

- Last one, Sergeant Major.

(Ripping)

Steady, man.

You caught me right in the... field dressing.

MELLY:
Lift.

I think congratulations are in order,

Sergeant Major.

- Thank you, sir.

- Not you, you fool. Me.

- Come along. Let's get back.

- There's gratitude for you.

Sir.

- Private Easy?

- Yes, Sergeant?

Make the signal to Sergeant Able.

Code or plain language?

- Plain language.

- Right away.

- Ready?

- Sergeant?

Make to Sergeant Willing, message received...

and understood.

(Laughter)

Sergeant.

Alice, I don't think I can hold this pose

much longer.

- I'll get cramp.

- Really?

Oh, Leonard. What's keeping you?

Oooh!

I told you so, Sergeant.

- It's not only barbed wire, it's rusty.

- Rusty?

I'll get blood poisoning on my hooter!

- Shut up about your hooter!

- It's the only one I got.

- You don't think the girls have gone off us?

- It's got nothing to do with the girls.

This is a right load of old Smelly.

Smelly? Doowarrgghpree!

- Stop doing that.

- He can't do that to us.

- He's done it.

- But it's inhuman.

- He ain't human.

- He ain't going to get away with it.

- Double back and fetch a tin hat.

- What for?

- Do as I told you.

- But...

- Scarper!

- Yes, Sergeant.

Right. Here. Now, listen...

You all know the drill for this sort of operation.

I am asking for a volunteer.

Right, sarge.

Well done, son.

Congratulations.

Thank you very much, sarge.

- What for?

- You have just volunteered.

- Have I?

- Put your helmet on, cover yourself up.

No, not on your head. Cover your er...

- I don't understand. What do you mean?

- Show him, will you?

- Ooh!

- Just hold it right there.

- What for?

- So you don't do yourself an injury

- when you lays down across the wire.

- What?

- Shh! Come on, lads. The girls is getting cold.

- No! No, Sergeant.

- I'll do anything. Not on the wire.

- Shh!

READY:
Don't throw me on the wire!

ALL:
One... two... three...

Aarrghh!

Cor blimey, Ready.

What have you done?

(Whimpers) Nothing.

Ooh, ahh! My neck!

Keep your hand on your helmet,

otherwise you'll be ruined for life.

Here we go.

Careful, lads.

Wake up.

Wake up!

How are you feeling, son?

Just as though those explosions

are reverberating all through my body.

Just so long as your helmet's not damaged.

- Ooooh!

- There.

Yeah. And I thought he was just a little basket.

Well, what is he, then, sarge?

A cunning little basket.

(Cock crows)

(Hums)

- Morning, sir.

- Good morning, Sergeant Major.

You requested my presence

at this early hour, sir.

Yes. I did indeed. Why?

Did I interrupt your sleep?

- It doesn't worry me, sir.

- I should think not, indeed.

Well, now, it's coming up to the hour. Five...

four, three, two, one. Sound the reveille.

- Reveille?

- Yes. The wakey-wakey.

Get up and win the war.

When I'm on my feet, everyone is.

Beg pardon, sir, but I's found

you gets more out of this shower

if they is allowed to wake up...

sort of gradual, like.

Well, from now on,

they're going to wake up sort of sudden, like.

If they gets up on the wrong side, sir,

they can make your life a bloody misery all day.

Yes, well, I'm the man who makes lives

bloody miserable, Sergeant Major.

- Sound the reveille.

- Very well, sir.

I think I can safely say that

this is definitely going to give them the needle.

Hee-hee hee hee-hee-hee!

Stand by.

(Trumpet fanfare)

- Blimey! It's only half past six!

- What a liberty!

Here, turn that off!

Oh, my gawd! Give it a rest.

- What the hell was that?

- Sounds like reveille.

Well, turn the bloody thing off.

You can't turn off a tannoy, sarge.

Get on Ready's shoulders

and stuff something up it.

What can I stuff up it, sarge?

I don't know. Your head, your arse, your elbow.

Only hurry up. I'm trying to get some kip.

- Hey, Ready.

- What?

- Hand us my pillow.

- Can't you remember anything?

I can't see!

- Get it out of my face!

- There we are.

It's stopped. We'll take it back again.

Wakey-waaaakey!

Wakey-wakey, rise and shine.

You may break your mothers' hearts,

but you will not break mine.

How dare you stuff the commanding officer

whilst he is talking! Unstuff him at once!

Get down and get dressed.

And, the rest of you,

what does you think you is doing?

Well, we was trying to get some kip.

But you has had all night to kip.

Now, then, off your backs, on your feet

and get into them ablutions at the double!

Aeroplanes.

Hey, what's all this about, then,

Sergeant Major?

Aircraft recognition. These is your new pin-ups.

I bet none of you can tell the difference between

a couple of Heinkels and a pair of Bristols.

No, but I can recognise a Fokker

when I see one.

Good boy. That is why you is a sergeant.

TANNOY:
Attention, all ATS personnel.

I'm going to make men of you.

As from this moment, skirts will not be worn.

TANNOY:
Skirts will not be worn.

Ooh, that'll be a bit drafty.

TANNOY:
Battledress trousers

will be worn at all times.

- That is all.

- Wait a minute!

Private Easy, did you hear what he just said?

Of course. That's what we're talking about.

No, no, no, Bombardier Murray.

He said, his exact words were,

"Battledress trousers will be worn.

That is all."

Yes.

So he did.

(Bloomer sings to himself)

Wakey-wakey! Rise and shine!

All ATS personnel taking breakfast,

fall in outside under Corporal Murray.

Come along, girls. Fall in.

How dare you come on parade

improperly dressed?

- We're only obeying orders, Sergeant Major.

- Or...

Orders? Whose orders?

His. Sir's. We're to wear battledress trousers

and that's all.

- The officer wouldn't give that order!

- His very words.

The dirty little...

Sergeant Major.

What the devil's going on here?

Why are these men half-naked?

Because, sir, you said they was

to wear trousers and that is all.

I did not.

ALL:
Oh, yes you did, sir.

- Oh, no, I didn't.

- Oh, yes, you d...

- Oh, no, I didn't.

- Oh, yes, you did!

Quiet!

- I'm going to make a couple of points.

- Ooh!

Sergeant Major, when I said, "That's all,"

I didn't mean that's all, I meant that's all.

That sounds like a lot of alls, sir.

The cold wind of change

is going to blow through this camp.

This I promise you. So you'd better take cover.

I have now... Do you mind, Sergeant Major?

I have now taken you apart.

And from now on, that is how you will stay.

Apart.

You will eat apart.

You will march apart.

You will live apart.

Left turn!

MELLY:
Worlds apart!

- Right turn!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes