Carry on England Page #6

MELLY:
During gun drills,

which will now take place daily,

gas masks will be worn at all times.

Do I make myself clear?

There will be compulsory nights out

every night until 23:59 hours.

Transport will be provided.

ATS, Mondays,

- men on Tuesdays.

- Look at him laughing at us. Look.

And so it will go on and on and on and on...

until the whole of Europe is ours!

How did he get into our army?

Sieg heil, Melly.

I've got it! I've got it.

- Whooerrpaaahh.

- So has he.

Well, take it outside.

And throw a bucket of water on it.

I've got it!

- I've got it!

- What a waste.

Poor devil.

Leonard.

Right, you lot. Over here.

Come on, move yourselves.

Now, this is the plan.

We are going to dig a tunnel.

We are going to dig a tunnel!

ALL:
A tunnel of love!

It won't be as dark as that.

Cop hold of these.

Never thought I'd find a use

for my Army knickers.

- Or any other kind, dear.

- Cheeky!

Now, keep it up, girls.

The boys ain't half going to get a surprise.

(Barks)

(Barks)

Heel, Hitler. Heel.

- Come on, Sergeant Major. Security patrol.

- (Barking)

Is that the best the military police

could send you?

Yours may be bigger than mine, sir,

but I've been told mine's got more bite.

Oh, come on, Hitler.

Come on, Muscles.

Sh!

What's that?

What's what?

Sounds like somebody tunnelling.

Well, that's you, innit?

- What was that?

- What?

It sounded like somebody digging.

- That was you.

- Oh, yes. Of course it was.

- Check the padlock, Sergeant Major.

- Sir.

(Muscles barks)

(Muscles pees on his leg)

Sergeant Major, will you keep

that dog of yours under control?

I understand he's house-trained, sir,

but not outside-trained.

Oh, come on, Hitler. Come on.

(Muscles barks)

Shhh!

(Distant barking)

- Listen!

They're patrolling.

- Not a word. Pass it back.

- Shh! Pass it back.

(Muscles barks)

- Heel, Hitler. Heel.

Heel, Muscles.

(Dogs growl)

(Ready's teeth chatter)

- Quiet!

It's not me. It's my t-t-t-teeth.

(Muscles barks)

- Some old bones buried around here.

(Hitler barks)

- Aaarrghh!

- Pull yourself together. Get back at the double!

That was a close call.

I was nearly a dog's dinner.

Alice, hold them still.

How can I get anything in those?

Tilly, darling.

Guess who's here?

Leonard, dearest, move over. Your Tilly's cold.

Leonard?

Leonard!

Tilly! Where the hell are you?

Hey, sarge. Here.

Oh, no.

We must have tunnelled back into our own hut.

No! No, no, no, no, no.

Don't be stupid, stupid.

The girls must have had the same idea.

- So, they're in our hut.

- So, they're in...

Come on!

No!

- What do you mean no?

- Listen.

If we wait here, they will come to us.

Right?

We are going to sit here quietly

and they will come to us.

Yes.

- Hear anything?

- Only you.

(Trumpet fanfare)

Reveille? We've been at it all night.

Yes, and not even a nibble.

Well, it can't be.

(Cock crows)

TANNOY:
Wakey-waaaakey!

Get st-uffed!

Stand at ease. Easy.

This is a great day...

for 13-13 Experimental Battery.

And an even better night for us.

Are you coming down my tunnel?

Or am I going up yours?

As a result, Headquarters have at last agreed

to send us that most desirable

piece of equipment

to have handy in time of war, namely, a gun.

May God protect us all.

The Brigadier himself will be here tomorrow

for a full inspection

and, I hope, to see us in action.

(Drone of engine)

- Ah, here she comes.

BLOOMER:
Company, atten-shun!

# Rule Britannia

If he goes over our tunnel, he'll fall in.

- Sergeant Major!

- Hargh!

Culprits to my office at once.

Sir!

Right, you horrible stinking shower,

I wants the guilty party,

on the word of command, male or female,

to take one pace forward!

The guilty party, one pace forward, march!

The ground... cut from under our feet,

and I am determined to get to the bottom of it.

- Answer me! You!

- Yes, sir.

Answer me!

Well, I have, sir.

Who is responsible? Answer me!

- Moles, sir.

- What?

Well, I think it was moles, sir.

Who is responsible? You.

I think it was moles, too, sir.

Moles. Moles?

You don't get your ordinary type

of mole round here, sir.

These is all whopping great big 'uns, sir.

How big?

Oh, well... as big as that big dog of yours, sir.

Moles... as big as Great Danes.

Oh, no. Bigger, really.

Bigger?

- You know that hill outside the camp, sir?

- Yes.

That's a molehill.

Good Lord!

- That hill must be 20 feet high!

- Well, sir...

that just goes to show you, doesn't it?

- Sergeant Major?

- Sir?

- Have you ever seen these beasts?

- I has not, sir.

Thank you, Sergeant Major.

And if I may say so, sir,

if I had seen such an animal...

you would need a gun as big as the one

that went down the hole to shoot it with.

Thank you very much, Sergeant Major.

Sergeants Willing and Able,

you have just told me a tissue...

Bless you, sir.

...of lies.

The whole lot of you...

are going to remove my gun from

its present hole and put it in its proper hole!

I don't care how you do it.

But you are going to do it,

and you are going to keep on doing it

until it is done.

Heave!

- Shorthouse, are you heaving?

- I'm heaving.

Look sharp, Sharpe! Heave!

You ruin my gun...

I will ruin you! Heave!

(All shout at once)

No, he ain't going to get away with it.

Making us sweat like that.

How do you mean, us?

He ain't going to get away with it -

making you sweat like that.

- But he is flippin' getting away with it!

- Not for long, son.

It's a top brass inspection tomorrow, innit?

- Yes, Sergeant.

- Brigadier's coming, isn't he?

Yes, Sergeant.

What about it?

This about it, son.

He has gone too far.

So we are going to put into operation Plan B.

Good Lord!

- Melly seems to have turned that girl into a man.

- Jolly smart, eh, sir?

You don't suppose sheer bloody ignorance

has worked, do you?

- It couldn't be anything else, sir?

- He hasn't got anything else.

Parade! Parade!

Atten-shun!

Good show, Melly.

You've got them all turned out like guardsmen.

Thank you very much, sir.

Do they all perform as well as they look?

- I've put a stop to all that, sir.

- What?

Oh, I don't mean

I've stopped them performing, sir.

I've them stopped them... Well, erm...

performing.

- Don't follow, old boy.

- Oh, how can I put, sir?

I erm... Ah!

Oh, I see.

Got yourself a hen coop, eh?

Ha ha ha ha!

Wittily put, sir.

Yes, I rather thought so myself.

Come along, Melly. Let's get cracking.

Very good, sir.

- Colours, Sergeant Major.

- Sir.

(Bellows incomprehensibly)

- A bit of a bloomer there, Melly.

- I...

Whose flag is it supposed to be? Nica-ragua's?

(Chuckles)

Thank you, Carstairs.

Excuse me, sir. Pull those knickers down!

No!

Not you!

You, Bombardier. Get 'em down!

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Some sort of innocent mistake.

Pulling down knickers is rarely innocent

and never a mistake.

- What?

- Oh, an epigram, sir.

I say, sir!

That was rather good.

What's next on the agenda?

Things seem to be flagging round here.

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