Carry on Nurse Page #6

Thanks, nurse.

(Bell)

Staff...

..he's dead.

(Snores softly)

Stand by. It's going to be that sort of a night.

Nurse!

I think I feel sick.

Hold it.

(Bell)

Now, sit up.

Staff, he opened his eyes!

Really?

Yes, opened and closed them. Just like this.

Very interesting. If it happens again, just call me.

- I'd like to see that.

- You would?

(Sighs)

Oh, really!

What can you expect, eating filthy stuff like this?

It wasn't that.

It was that compost heap we had for supper.

- I shall write to my MP.

- You do that.

Do you feel better now?

(Hiccups)

When are we going to get a new sluice, Staff?

That old thing...

Never mind about the sluice.

Go and have a look at Mr Able.

He's on Sinacol. One never knows

how it's going to take some people.

- I thought it only affected old men peculiarly.

- Well, in here, they age fast.

Mr Able!

(Chuckles)

- Are you feeling all right, Mr Able?

- Oh, yes, yes, yes.

I'm going for a swim.

- Oh, no, you settle down. Get back into bed.

- No, you settle down.

- Now where's the sea?

- Argh!

Ho, ho, ho, ho! Take that. That's right.

- (Hiccups)

- Impertinence!

(Impatient buzzing)

- What the devil's going on?

- Nothing!

- Mr Able!

- Get your clothes off, girl.

You can't swim with your clothes on.

Come along now.

Look! Look! Look!

Look there! A mermaid!

(Giggles hysterically)

Ha-ha!

Look out, he's coming back.

Streamers!

- Streamers!

- (Hiccups)

Streamers!

Streamers! Streamers!

(Buzzing)

- What the blue blazes is going on?

- Nothing, Colonel.

Nothing, indeed. I'll jolly well go and find out.

Ow!

Ooh, lovely, girls!

My leg! My flaming leg!

- No! No!

- Allow me, nurse, please.

- Mr Bishop!

- It's all right, I used my left.

What about my perishing leg?

- Are you all right?

- Yes, thank you.

Look, I hope I haven't hurt him.

- Go back to bed, Mr Bishop.

- OK.

Nurse, call the houseman

to look at Mr Able's jaw.

- Colonel, will you go back to bed this minute!

- I haven't had time to lay the odds.

Now, then, Mr Hickson.

What's happened to you?

Nothing, nurse. I always sleep like this.

I'll soon get you that meal.

He's fine. He'd like some steak and chips.

You can have a little sterile water...for breakfast.

Now, lie still and don't let that needle slip.

Understand?

Yes, nurse.

Come out of here now.

- See that man over there without any trousers?

- Oh, yes.

- Well, get some on him and put him to bed.

- Yes, Staff.

(Hiccups)

(Hiccups)

(Hiccups)

Fingers in ears.

- This is ridi...(Hiccups)..culous.

- Drink.

- I've done it, Staff.

- Good.

- (Hiccups)

- Take over here.

- Fingers in ears, please.

- I can't.

- Come on, now.

- I think I'm going to be sick again!

(Hiccups)

- Is Mr Able's jaw broken?

- I hope not.

You said it was going to be that kind of a night.

Excuse me. Oh, he's perfectly all right, Staff.

Just a drop or two.

Oh, good show!

- Argh!

- The daft old sluice!

Oh!

It's different from the one in Women's Medical,

Staff!

Wetter, would you say? Go and change.

I can't, Staff!

I can't see to get to the nurses' home.

My spectacles have gone down the sluice!

Nurse, will you take Nurse Nightingale

to the nurses' home?

Yes, Staff.

Thank you.

- Now, when do I have my injection?

- Just as soon as they tell me to give it to you.

Oh, the waiting. The uncertainty. The starvation.

- Oh, God!

- Oh, don't be such a baby.

- Your op's nothing to worry about.

- My only worry is I won't get it.

Supposing I lose another day.

Oh, Jiminy, what a flaming muddle.

Ah, Mr Bell. Back into bed at once.

You're on this afternoon's list.

Sister! I could kiss you!

Ho-ho!

- Mr Bell!

- Ding-dong, carry on.

I say, fellows! What do you know?

Tonight, they're talking about the Health Service

in At Home And Abroad.

Oh, I say. What jolly fun.

Isn't it, Percival? And guess what?

Last year,

the whole thing cost 585 million pounds!

Get out of it! I don't believe it.

The man just said so.

I tell you, it's impossible!

Ask him again.

I say, would you mind repeating that...

(Laughs) You know, I nearly did!

Nurse! Oh, you haven't injected Mr Bell.

Thank goodness.

He can't be operated on today. We have

eight emergencies coming. Road smash.

Eight? That makes my bunion look a bit silly.

- Oh, you'd better put your pyjamas back on.

- Yes.

Well, no. I say, nurse, can't they squeeze me in?

I've simply got to be done today.

I'm surprised at you.

I didn't think you'd be so selfish.

Selfish? If you knew what depended...

Oh, by Jiminy!

Look, I've got a whole schedule.

The bunion can wait. I can't.

I'm going to discharge myself. Ooh!

But you can't do that!

If anything happens to you...

- What could happen from a bunion?

- You never know.

- An article in the Nursing Mirror...

- I don't want to hear.

Well, don't do anything hasty. You think about it.

I say, nurse...could I have something to eat?

Where do you think you're going, Mr York?

- America?

- I'm applying for a job. What's your problem?

Oh, I er... I want the bath.

Suppose you fall with the drain in you.

No, Mr York. Back to bed, please.

But it's been six days now!

I've been picked up twice by radar.

Please let me have a bath. I'll be careful.

Nurse Dawson!

YORK:
America, that's um...

- Yes, Staff?

- See that Mr York doesn't fall over in the bath.

Look, I don't think I...

- Not undressed yet?

- I think I'll just have a good wash.

If Staff says you're to have a bath,

you have a bath.

- Look, I...

- Oh, you baby!

- Shall I help you get undressed?

- No!

Oh, come along, come along.

We haven't all day.

Well?

Right?

(Chuckles) To think I called you a baby!

For the first time in my life,

I can't think of anything to say.

Neither can I.

- Wonderful, isn't it?

- Yes.

- Darling, why can't you be done tonight?

- I told you, darling. The theatres are in use.

- They're not. I just passed them both.

- Ah!

So they finished the emergencies earlier, eh?

Hm... Well, bully for them.

Look, it's only a bunion.

I'm going to discharge myself.

No, I told you, I won't allow that.

Your health comes first.

I'd never forgive myself

if anything happened to you.

Besides, I shouldn't enjoy our little trip

one little bit for the worry.

Now promise me.

Oh, all right, darling.

It's only one day, I suppose. I'm being done

tomorrow. And being starved today.

Oh, Megsy, darling. Give me a bite.

Jack, whatever's come over you?

I'm... I'm just hungry, that's all.

- Why, what's the matter with you?

- Nothing's the matter with me, Jack. I'm all right.

Tell me.

Are you serious about going to America?

Is that really your concern, Mr York?

Yes.

Let me warn you.

Hospitals have a strange effect on most men.

They imagine...

well, they think they're in love with the nurses.

It happens every week to every nurse.

I don't think it's imagination.

You do.

We'll have to find out who's right.

Before you go to America.

Right now, I'm going back inside.

I think you ought to do the same.

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