Carry on Nurse Page #7

- Hello, what have you got there?

- What? Oh.

Hey, help me and the boys kill these.

I'm just in the mood.

(Slurred) It's no good, I've simply got to dance.

# La, la, la, la, la

# La, la, la, la, la, la

# La, la, la...

- Oh, shut up and sit down.

JACK:
Do you want Sister to catch us?

Clumsy beast. Might have broken my arm off.

(Slurred) I could have set it for you, Mr Hinton.

It's easy.

All in this book.

Wakefield's Practical Surgery. Fascinating.

That book. What's it say about bunions?

Page 275.

It's as easy as winking.

Do-it-yourself surgery.

Easy as drinking. Winking.

Do mine.

What? Who? Me?

Well, you said you could do it.

I'm a nucl... A nu...

I'm not a doctor.

Look, it's all science. You've got a book.

Surely a man of your brains could knock off

a little elementary thing like a bunion?

Well, supposing I did.

What would you tell the hospital people,

with your bunion gone?

Well, I'd... I'd just say it disappeared

in the middle of the night.

- Pftt! Just like that.

- They'd write you up in the Lancet.

I don't care if they stick me on the cover

of the Police Gazette,

so long as I get my snogging in as planned.

But this loud-mouthed windbag won't help me.

He drinks my bubbly - oh, yes -

but he won't remove my bunion.

How could I? What about an operating theatre?

Both theatres are free.

All right. I'll try.

Oh, dear.

- Hello!

ALL:
Hello.

- Hello, Mick, we're just having a little party.

- Well, make the most of it.

- Why? Is something up?

- Only Matron's blood pressure.

After last night's little riot.

Well, tonight she's posting a nurse

to sit in the ward.

All night.

Just to keep an eye on you lot.

- Good night.

- Good night, Mick.

Well, what a pity.

We won't be able to do it now.

Got to stay in the ward.

Wait a minute. Now listen, boys.

Strategy. Now, if there's one thing

I did learn in the ring, it's strategy.

How to turn a disadvantage to your advantage.

- Well, you're not in the ring now, so shut up.

- Oh, please! Do you mind, Oliver?

Now look. Gather round, lads.

You too, doc. Come over here.

Come on, come on, come on.

Now look, here's what we do.

This nurse could be our strategic opportunity.

(Yelps)

- Nurse?

- Er...sir.

Right, wash his feet with ether soap.

That's the green liquid.

(Groans)

Now listen, chaps.

Antiseptic liquid soap, green. There it is.

No, I wasn't serious. It was only the champagne.

- No, really.

- Get on there.

This is the stuff. It's all nicely labelled.

Very efficient in these hospitals, aren't they?

- (Gasps) Oh, it's... it's freezing!

- And so it should be.

Ooh, it's freezing my foot off!

- Wouldn't have to worry about the bunion then!

- Stop larking about, Bernie.

And go and get me some antiseptic.

Antiseptic, right.

It says here you should apply it with a swab

and forceps.

We don't have time for all the trimmings.

- Such as an anaesthetic.

- Now look.

I don't want to go on with this.

I must have been mad.

When everything's going so well?

- Don't be so ungrateful!

- After all the trouble we've taken?

- Antiseptic.

- Ah, right. There we are. That's it.

That should do. Now, what's next?

- Er... 5cc pentathol.

- Hm... Intravenous injection.

I wonder where they keep the intravenous.

- Now wait a minute!

- Do you want this operation or not?

- I don't want any of you practising darts on me.

- But you must have an anaesthetic.

- There's always this.

- Uh-uh!

Gas. I... I don't mind gas.

- Ah. Gas. Mm, that's the Boyle's machine.

- But he's got a bunion.

The Boyle's machine! Over there.

It's full of nitrous oxide or something.

- Wheel that in and get it flowing.

- Right.

Right, now what do we need?

- It's like making a cake, innit?

- Shut up.

Esmarch's bandages. They're made of rubber.

Three inches wide.

We wrap them tightly round his leg,

like a tourniquet.

You two get those.

And put on masks and gowns.

Right. It's exciting, innit?

Won't be long now.

Hello? Frying tonight.

Not you, you idiot! Him!

Look, I don't think I will have gas after all.

Cor blimey.

They've gone and done it,

like they said they would.

Nu...

Mr Hinton!

Humphrey!

Mr Hinton!

Mr Hinton!

Right, now start unwinding from the foot,

but leave a bit of bandage at the top of the leg.

Now I need a scalpel

to cut the surface of the skin.

- (Laughs)

- Two small artery forceps...

Oh, big 'uns. Make it big 'uns.

Nothing but the biggest and the best.

An osteotome.

It looks like a chisel but it has two sharp sides.

Two? Oh, good! (Laughs)

A fine saw. A needle and cat gut.

That's right, sew a button on it. (Laughs)

Better give him some more gas.

We can't have him giggling all through.

- Most distracting.

- I agree.

(Laughs)

- What's the matter with you?

- Nothing.

Let's get the knives.

(Laughs)

(Laughter continues)

(Laughter)

(They laugh raucously)

(Winces)

Mr Hinton! Wake up.

Wake up, please!

Mm-hm. Yeah.

- These'll do.

(Laughter)

(Raucous laughter)

- What's the matter with you lot?

I've got a bunion! (Laughs)

I've got the giggles.

Stop mucking about.

I don't know what's got into you.

Yes, I do!

- You careless cruiserweight, you!

- Lightweight.

I thought so. You let this thing run.

(Starts laughing)

Hold... Hold this over his mouth...

and I'll start cutting.

Say, Oliver,

what happens if anything goes wrong?

We'll have to amputate your leg!

(They laugh raucously)

Humphrey!

This... This is Percival calling you!

I'm sorry, mates.

(Bell rings)

(Laughter continues)

No! No, stop it! You're tickling!

I thought you were asleep.

Here, hold him, for goodness' sake.

(Laughter continues)

(Raucous laughter)

(Bell rings)

Nurse? Asleep on duty, eh?

Argh!

(Muffled shout)

Oh!

Mr Hinton, what is the meaning of this?

- Thank you, Staff.

- What happened?

- They all went to the operating theatre.

- To the...?

Nurse! Please let me explain!

Mr Hinton, please give me back my uniform!

Mr Hinton!

Ooh! Ooh, no!

Elevate the capsule...

and the...periosteum.

Well, where is his peri... peri...

No, he's made all wrong.

Gentlemen...he hasn't got one.

(Chuckles) He must have.

All right, there's the diagram,

you find his pendi...his peri...

pe... you...

Can't find his periscope.

- Swabs.

- Nurse!

Yes, Staff. Beg pardon.

(Laughs) Silly me.

Will somebody give me a bottle?

Well, if it doesn't happen today,

I don't know what I'll do.

All my arrangements are already up the spout.

- It's frustrating, you know.

- Yes. I can imagine.

I hope you don't mind my burdening you

with my troubles like this.

No, not at all.

Besides, looks like they're over.

Ah, Mr Bell! Time for your injection.

At last!

Oh!

That's the best news I've ever... (Sneezes)

- What was that?

- What? What was what?

- You sneezed. You've got a cold.

- Quite so.

- Well, you can't have an operation with a cold.

- Don't be ridiculous. (Sneezes)

I haven't got a cold on my bunion.

Come along inside.

I've never heard anything so... (Sneezes)

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