Carry on Regardless Page #3

Nice people.

Good morning.

Hello.

First patient, Sister.

Yes, Doctor.

Good morning. Welcome.

We feel most honoured.

How do you do?

Would you please follow me,

Sir Theodore?

Sir Theodore?

Morning, matron. Morning, sir.

Morning, sister.

Watch closely. This is the world's

most inspired diagnostician.

He must be to learn about a varicose

vein by studying the scalp.

Watch, listen, learn.

Never.

What do you mean, never?

That track, in the mud - never.

I've been following that horse.

But other horses never follow him.

Don't put me off.

I'm doing you a favour. That's a cow.

Mind your own business.

OK.

It's his funeral.

Nurse, side ward.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Nurse!

I'm sorry, sister.

That's too heavy a load for you.

Don't stand there, give her a hand!

Let me help you, nurse.

Hey, what the hell...!

Cheer up, chicken. It's all right.

Where would we be if we didn't help

each other? Let's see some more.

All great men

are slightly eccentric.

Yes, Matron.

Yes, Matron.

All right, Nurse.

Goochy-goochy! Wibble-wibble!

Little baskets!

I mean, what little baskets

you keep them in.

Oh, yes.

I love kids.

Have you any of your own?

I can't say I have,

I can't say I haven't.

I always say that brilliant men

are absent-minded.

Yeah.

We give our nurses

a regular checkup.

Is there anything else

we can show you?

I think I'll rest here awhile.

You're late.

Where is he?

Where's who?

The man keeping my place.

What man?

He had a face like a relief map.

And a flower?

Yes, he had a flower. He's from

Helping Hands. Where is he?

Ward 10.

Emergency.

Yes, Sister.

Nurse. What is it?

It isn't.

Isn't what?

He isn't. That man.

Which man isn't what?

The man with Matron

isn't Sir Theodore.

Goodness gracious!

Matron, that man's not Sir Theodore.

He's an imposter.

What?!

You're not Sir Theodore.

I never said I was.

Leave this instant.

Some other time, eh? When you need

a helping hand. Tell your friends.

That's definitely my best side.

For what, Mr Courtenay?

Nothing, I was just...

Hoping the photography job

might go your way?

What photography job?

Would you like me to pencil you in?

Yes. I photographed well as a child.

My relatives treasure portraits

of me. I was curly.

You weren't!

Yes!

How lovely you must have been.

Suggest me for it. I'd like to know

how I'd photograph in my maturity.

I haven't been done professionally

for ages.

Leave it to me.

Thank you.

Good morning, gentlemen.

I'm your model.

Can't believe it, eh? I understand.

There's no point being modest

- I have the perfect

face for photography.

We're very grateful. None of

the top models would do it...

Sorry. Would do, I mean.

Some of us have got it

and some of us haven't.

You've got it, all right.

Soon thousands of poster hoardings

will have it, too - my face.

Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

Well, gentlemen, ready when you are.

Let's go.

Take your time.

I'm difficult to light, I know.

You're lit.

Oh, you know your job, I must say.

What's the product we're selling?

I mean...

Keep quite still.

Good morning, Sam.

Good morning, you say?

Look at that - you're late.

Only a minute. No-one else is in.

"Only a minute" she says. Charming.

What if Caesar had only been

a minute for the Spanish Armada...?

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Sam, are you in trouble?

The worst.

What's her name?

Oh, please, it's worse than that.

Tell me about it and your worries

will disappear like a puff of smoke.

If you've got a hangover,

it must be a corker. Take my tip...

Corker, tip...

Sam, what on earth is the matter?

I want it.

No! Cigarette, damn it.

Well, have one.

I've given it up.

Then don't have one.

I want one.

Make up your mind!

I have - to give it up.

Well, there's an end to it.

But I want one.

How long have you been like this?

Since yesterday lunch time, really.

This is hell!

I've got the answer - a sweet.

A sweet.

They'll make you fat.

I couldn't stand inactivity

without a sweet.

Self-indulgency. No willpower.

Look who's talking!

I can talk if I want to.

I've been without it for 24 hours.

Without what?

A cigarette.

You made me say that!

Oh, look at my sweets!

Trying to make me say it.

Sorry, darling.

Smoke... Smoke, see?

Can't do without it.

I must have a smoke!

I must! I must! I must!

Better now?

Oh, yeah.

Sir Walter Raleigh

certainly earned his knighthood.

Isn't that strange?

Just a few puffs of that.

Oh, it makes the whole world look

sort of all... most peculiar.

Sam!

Sam!

It'll pass away.

So will you by the look of you.

Don't worry. It's like this when you

start smoking again after a lay-off.

Can you... Can you get up?

Cigarette.

Sam, no.

Please, Lil. Cigarette.

No, you are going to give it up.

I can't give it up, Lil.

I've tried six times and always end

up like this. I'm a slave to them.

Six times. It's disgraceful.

This time

you are going through with it.

No. I can't.

Yes, you can.

All you need is a helping hand.

A helping hand who needs a helping

hand! I'm going to help you.

How? I won't have a single sweet,

you won't have a single draw.

We'll both do without.

No sweets.

No draws!

Weiss du, was du bist?

Du bist ein ganz ekelhafter,

lumpiger Kerl!

Ich hab' die Nase voll von dir.

Excuse me a minute.

Wer immer das mag sein,

mach ihn weg.

Just a moment, dear.

Mr Trellorny? I'm from Help...

Yes, yes, I know. Come in.

You can start work at once.

Thank you.

My dear, would you repeat

what you said just now?

Ich glaub', du hast mich sehr gut

verstanden. Raus mit ihm!

The lady wishes me to leave, sir.

I'm paying you and I say you stay.

Schick den verdammten Trottel fort!

Good gracious me!

What's she saying?

Eh?

You're meant to listen. Translate.

No, not in front of a lady.

Idiotisches Rindvieh, Sie!

Oh, I say!

I don't care what you say.

What did she say?

No, I couldn't. Oh, no.

Trevor...

Ah, that's better. Trevor.

My name's the same in any language.

What are we arguing about?

Ha!

Ha!

Would you elaborate?

Wenn er nicht vor der Tur sitzt,

dann ist weg mit deinem Kopf!

If I can't leave immediately,

there's to be a physical assault...

Stand your ground.

On you! If you'd let me finish.

Da du einen Dolmetscher hier

gestellt hast...

As you have an interpreter here,

you needn't be ignorant...

..of my sorrow and anger.

Es ist dies -

It is this -

Even I can get that.

..wenn eine Frau eine neue Frisur

hat und einen neuen Hut...

When a wife has a new hairstyle

and new hat...

..erwartet sie,

dass ihr Mann davon Notiz nimmt!

..she wants it noted.

Und wenn er das nicht tut...

When it is not so,

that can only mean one thing.

..dass seine Interessen

woanders liegt.

His interest is elsewhere.

Wahrscheinlich bei seiner neuen

Schlampe von einer Stenotypistin!

Probably with his trollop secretary.

Is that all?

Alles?!

All?!

You silly girl!

Wagst du es,

mich ein dummes Madel zu nennen?

Don't call me a silly girl.

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