Carry on Regardless Page #5

loudly, in case I wake the

people in the next house.

May I introduce you to the Bed

of the Century? Here it is.

Whatever you do in bed,

this bed helps you do it better.

Do you not believe me, madam?

Come to bed with me!

First...

the neighbours may be watching...

That's better.

And so, to bed,

and we will find out.

A little television, perhaps?

The early morning cup of tea?

Or maybe you fancy a snack?

La buffet.

Perhaps you would like

a nice, cosy read?

Voila!

Or maybe you've come to bed merely

to sleep? Can happen, of course.

Very well... Just recline

on the Bed of the Century.

Ooh!

The position not quite right, no?

How often that can happen.

The Bed of the Century will solve

this small problem for you.

Merely recline

- do not move.

Our mould-to-the-body

mattress does it all for you.

Watch, watch, watch.

Eh? What's going on?

Fred! There's something wrong

with the bed, Fred!

Wagon train!

One for the pot!

You're not our Lou.

No. Your Lou's a bit off colour

today, so I come to take his place.

In there? Never!

It's OK, I know the rule - silence.

You're not trained for it.

Oh, come, come, come, please, Sarge.

What training do you need to keep

quiet for a few hours? Don't worry!

Shh!

Quiet! Quiet!

QUIET!!!

You mustn't speak!

Good morning, Mr Handy.

You look dazed.

I am.

What's it all for?

Streamlined organisation.

If it's good for the business,

of course. Perhaps you'll explain.

I have made terrible mistakes.

You're a tower of strength!

Every tower needs foundations,

and these are mine.

Each job is filed here, cross-

referenced there, costed here...

..assigned to an available operator.

All of which is secondary

to the operative procedure.

Oh, yes, operative, yeah.

Oh, b...

Oh, I don't suppose it'll matter.

Morning!

Morning.

Ingenious system, eh?

Oh, yes. No possibility of error?

None whatsoever.

Going my way?

No.

I thought we'd share a taxi.

Well,

I'm already thinking in Chinese.

Chinese?

Interpreting's my job today. Bye!

Chinese - I wonder if it's true

what they say.

Francis!

Good morning, Madam.

Toushan.

Pardon?

Toushan.

Of course!

Coincidence

- a friend of mine has gone all

Chinese this morning as well.

May - I - come - in?

Please! Wait a minute! Look, please!

There's been a mistake.

Mistake? It's impossible.

Gracious me!

This must be Fr-Francisesis's job.

What platform for Ely?

Number one, over there.

Thank you. I'll show them

if I need a keeper.

Come along, girls.

Good morning.

I'm your Helping Hand, I fancy.

Go away.

Oh, you expected me to be Chinese.

Chinese?

I expected your girls

to be Chinese too.

I don't know

what you're talking about.

As soon as I saw their breast...

I beg your pardon!

Breast pockets.

I put two and two together.

I want a policeman.

I'll offer you

a much better service.

I speak Chinese,

with a slight Cantonese accent.

An interesting group of girls,

European, of course.

On their first contact with

London they'll need me to,

er... Shall we begin?

Begin what?

I'll go in the first taxi

with some of the girls...

Police!

Madam...

Police!

What's the trouble?

I'm ready to pick up

this woman's girls.

Oh?

Yes, I speak Chinese.

You speak what?

Can't you understand English?

Arrest this man.

No, don't!

They speak English.

So what?

They should speak Chinese.

What am I doing here if they can

speak English as well as what we can?

Arrest this man.

I'm working, I'm a linguist.

That's a new name for it.

How dare you!

Shut up!

Aw! They're handling a genius.

I protest! Ah! Ah! Ah! Aw! Ah!

You're Martin Paul, the actor.

That's right.

I thought this wasn't

a beauty salon.

Pardon? Oh, won't you

please come in?

I'm demonstrating

a new beauty treatment.

A very pretty mistake too.

Mr Paul, please.

You can help me dress and undress.

Mr Paul, really!

I like Helping Hands.

Not helping yourself hands!

But you don't understand.

Will you please control yourself?

My fifth marriage has just ended.

What's that got to do with it?

Console me, have pity on me

in my hour of need.

Who knows, you may

well be number six!

Waaa! Not on your nelly! I'm off.

Pity.

Morning, sir.

Is the rehearsal being held here?

It's a demonstration.

Where's Mr Paul?

Who's Mr Paul?

There's been a mistake.

I've assembled the

beauty trade to watch a

lovely girl undergoing

our latest routine.

Have I got a girl? No!

Steady on.

I've got you and I don't want you.

Hello. Togetherness Marriage Agency?

It's three minutes after the time

she's supposed to have arrived.

I'm on the verge of a most important

meeting and you can't

get her here on time.

I am extremely dissatisfied.

The next time I want a wife I

shall take my custom elsewhere.

She's here.

Mr Beamish?

Oh, yes.

I know everything's

going to be all right.

There's no reason

why it shouldn't be.

How exquisite, how exciting.

May I come in?

Oh, please do.

How thoughtful to bring flowers.

That's what you wanted -

a woman's touch in

your home. Do sit down.

I can't sit down, there's so much to

do. Where do you want me to start?

I'll leave that to you.

That doesn't look very comfortable.

Comfortable enough for anybody now.

Yes. Isn't it wonderful,

we're the same religion.

Eh?

Isn't it good the agency

takes care of such things?

Do they?

Definitely.

Your beliefs don't concern me.

The important thing is to get

on with the job and enjoy it.

But don't you want to talk?

Talk? We both know what I'm here

to do. What's there to talk about?

You sound more experienced

than I imagined.

I've had plenty of variety.

Variety?

That's why I joined.

Of course.

I don't mind. You must

take the rough with the smooth.

What are you doing?

Stripping for action.

I like to be comfy.

You don't have to do anything.

I think you ought to go.

But I haven't done anything yet.

And I don't want you to.

There's been a mistake.

You specifically asked for flowers.

I've got the letter here.

Show me.

Show me.

Helping Hands.

Marriage agency?

I thought you wanted someone to tidy

the place, a woman's touch for...

A tea party for my aunt

in two weeks' time.

Here we are. Aren't they lambs?

They look like birds to me.

Where's the show, then?

Olympia, next year.

No, I mean your show.

That must be a corker.

Must it?

You're crafty. You're dead crafty.

It looks like an ordinary house.

Where do you keep them?

Keep what?

You know.

But I don't.

You can rely on discretion with us.

If you want me to do the job,

I must know where they are.

But they're here. Can you not see?

Where?

What do you mean?

Where do the girls undress?!

There are no girls here.

Who does undress here, then?

Only the old woman

when she goes to bed.

Put his head in a bucket.

You do and I'll bite your thumb off.

Get out of it.

You are from Helping Hands?

Of course, I'm your chucker-out.

There's been a mistake.

# SLOW JAZZ

Oh, hello.

What do you want?

Your birds. What sort are they?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes