Carry on Screaming! Page #5

but I've never been called on

to tackle corsets before.

It's very simple.

You undo the laces, you...

It's just like football boots.

You've taken football boots off?

- Not off a Lady, Sergeant.

- Get on with it.

Oh, dear.

Oh... Sergeant.

Which one did you say

the birthmark was on?

Slobotham,

there are only two.

It's a simple process of elimination.

Yes, Sergeant.

Well, there doesn't seem

to be anything here.

What-ho! There is something here.

- What did I tell you?

- It seems to be a little round...

Oh, dear. It's come off in my hand.

Let's have a look.

"Made In England."

Now, Oddbod,

are you with us again?

- Yes!

- Oh, no, not now.

- Come on, Orlando. Work to be done.

- Oh, dear. No rest for the wicked.

Oh, look at Oddbod Junior.

Sleeping like a baby.

Stop crooning, Orlando.

Wake him up and put him to work.

Oh, we can't do that yet.

He's not ready for it.

Not until he's been

properly house-trained.

This one must be vitrified tonight.

Oh, yes. Very nice.

What about removing

any moles or birthmarks?

- I've done that.

- Oh, yes.

I never get any of the interesting jobs.

That'll do. Oddbod.

See to the vat, will you, darling?

Yes.

Just nice.

Let's see, now.

What does she weigh?

120lb.

Allow three minutes per pound.

That's six hours at Regulo 7.

All right, Oddbod. We're ready.

- Ah, well. Here goes.

- Please, Orlando.

Please, please don't say it.

- Say what, dear?

- You know perfectly well what.

What you always say at this time.

It's in extremely bad taste.

What? Oh, you mean

"frying tonight".

Oh, there are times when I really...

- Oh, Miss Valeria.

- Yes, what is it, Sockett?

That policeman's here again.

The sergeant.

What's he doing here?

What's he after?

The same as he was after last night,

I imagine.

Oh?

Information.

Oh, how I hate these

law-abiding people.

Why can't everyone be thoroughly horrid,

like us?

Yes, I will see him, Sockett.

This is awful. I wish I was dead.

But, Orlando, you are dead.

What? Oh, yes, so I am.

What a life!

"Made In England."

That's a coincidence.

Sidney,

how sweet of you

to come back to see me so soon!

I had to come, Valeria.

I've been thinking about you all day.

I'm intoxicated... with your beauty.

Everything I see reminds me of you.

I can't get you out of my mind.

I look at my two inkwells

and I see your lovely eyes.

A letter box, and I saw your lips.

In the street there was a little boy

playing with two balloons, and...

Yes. Well, I think that's quite enough

of that sort of talk, Sidney.

I only meant like our two hearts

floating away.

Oh, forgive me. Forgive me.

My passion runs away with me.

That's enough.

That's enough, Sidney.

Let's... Let's sit down, shall we?

Yes, yes.

That's better.

Now, tell me.

How are your investigations going?

Oh, those.

As a matter of fact, we thought

we'd found the missing girl today -

- Doris Mann.

- Oh?

It turned out to be a dummy

in a shop window.

Mr Potter swore it was her.

Oh, how extraordinary.

And was it?

How could it have been?

It was only a dummy.

It even had one of those erm...

Made In England labels

stamped on it... just like the ones

you've got in the desk over there.

Forgive me, Sidney.

I... I shan't be a moment.

I've just remembered

I've left something cooking.

They spotted the one we sent out

yesterday, in the shop window.

- I knew it! We're done for.

- Not yet. He doesn't know it's her.

We can't take any chances.

We must get her back.

Get her back? How can we do that?

It would be stealing.

Well, I thought we might persuade

Sergeant Bung to do it for us.

Him? Old Goody-goody?

You must be mad.

Oh, we might get him over

on our side for a while.

You know that prescription

Dr Jekyll made up for you?

Oh, yes. That stuff.

But isn't it awfully risky?

I mean, we still don't know

what the side-effects are.

- We don't want him having triplets.

- Here it is.

- Nothing burnt, I hope.

- Burnt?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Everything was fine.

Shall we just have a little drink?

- I don't think I'd better, not on duty.

- Oh, please.

Both of us might become

a little more friendly, no?

Well, if you put it like that...

It's an old and rather unusual brandy.

It has a... smoky flavour.

It has a smoky look, too.

Oh, to get the most out of it,

it's best to take it straight down

in one go.

Well, here's to friendship.

Ah.

Yes.

1870, a very good year.

- Valeria, has it worked?

- I don't know yet.

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, he looks absolutely lovely.

Very nice.

Argh!

Va-arrgh! Arr!

Sidney, Sidney.

Sidney, listen to me.

I must have a noggin of that myself.

Stop it, Sidney! Stop it. Sidney!

No, don't stop him, dear. He's supposed

to do thoroughly beastly things.

Listen to me. I am your mistress.

Don't say that, dear!

It'll only make him worse.

You must obey my commands.

You hear me?

You must obey me.

Right. Now, there's something

I want you to do for me.

No, not that.

Now, listen to me.

And listen carefully.

Well, this is a nice time

to be coming home again!

I don't know why you don't stay out

all night.

Oh, that's right.

Try and look all innocent.

If you could just see yourself!

You look disgusting.

Disgusting! And isn't it about time

you got your hair out?

You needn't think I'm going out

with you looking like that.

Oh, dear me, no!

- Rrraaar!

- And just look at your teeth!

You can't say I haven't asked you

to go to the dentist.

For all I care, they can rot.

- Rrraaar!

- Sidney Bung!

You have been drinking.

So, this is a step on the final path,

is it?

Well, you can't say my mother

didn't warn me.

Don't you aim it at mother!

No! I'll get you! Oh, I'll get you!

I'll get you,

if it's the last thing I do.

Get out of here! Get out!

Go on! Get out!

Get out of it!

Get out! Get out!

Waa... waa...

Water...

Ooh! Oh, blimey!

Oh, my head! on!

Where am I?

Oh, strewth!

What did I do last night?

What happened?

Argh!

All right, all right!

Hang on! Hang on!

Ow!

Hello.

Just hang on a minute.

Blimey. Who am I?

Oh, yeah.

Sergeant Bung here,

Detective Sergeant Bung...

I think.

Who...? Oh, Slobotham.

Look, Slobotham, Mrs Bung and I

weren't doing anything.

Kindly remember in future,

to save time,

that Mrs Bung and I

never do anything.

Now, what do you want?

What shop broken into?

You don't say?

Look, I'll be right there.

Now, don't touch anything.

You understand?

Don't move.

Well, of course you can have a...

Emily?

You awake?

- Get out, you disgusting creature!

- What's the matter with you?

How dare you come home

drunk and assault me?

- Assault you?

- Yes!

- I wouldn't assault you with a bargepole!

- You beast! Get out! Go on, get out!

- Don't know what I've done.

- You know what you did.

I'm gonna make you pay for it!

I'll get one over on you. Don't you worry.

Come here, you!

I'm not finished with you yet.

Well, what precise time

would you say this happened, sir?

How should I know?

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