Carry on Screaming! Page #6

I was only called out of bed

half an hour ago.

"Crawled out... Called."

Beg your pardon.

"Called out of my bed half... "

Your bed, was that, sir?

No, it was... What difference

does it make whose bed it was?

It might make a difference

to somebody, sir.

Glad you've arrived, Sergeant.

Hello?

What's happened here, then?

Oh, I'd say it's a pretty clear case

of breaking and entering.

No?

This window's been broken

in several places, for a start.

- You don't say?

- Oh, yes, I do.

And there's the footprints inside.

- What footprints?

- Inside.

I was going to examine them closely

for any distinguishing marks.

Distinguishing?

Can you think of anything more

distinguished than having six toes?

Six toes?

Is there anything missing, Mr Jones?

Nothing, as far as I can see...

except for the dummy.

What dummy?

The one they had all the fuss about

yesterday.

The one that looked like

that Mann, Doris.

That Doris Mann.

You haven't guessed who took it?

I've only been on the job an hour.

You take a week to think it over...

while I go and get him.

For the last time, take your hands off me!

What am I supposed to have done?

You tell me. What am I supposed

to have done? It's a disgrace!

Keep still. You're assisting

the police with their inquiries.

All right, Slobotham.

Let him go.

And I should think so, too.

Look, what's all this about?

I'm supposed to be at work.

All right, Mr Potter.

All we want to know is, where is it?

Well, it's your police station.

You ought to know.

No, not that. Where's the dummy?

What dummy?

The one you thought was Doris!

The one you stole last night.

What? I never did any such thing.

- I suppose I took it, then?

- I don't know, but it definitely wasn't me.

All right, Mr Potter.

If you want us to do it the hard way,

take your boots off.

- What for?

- Never mind what for. Take them off.

And your socks.

Look, what's all this about?

We're investigating

a barefoot robbery.

- Are you sure those are your feet?

- Of course they're mine!

Sarge, there's only five toes.

- How many am I supposed to have?

- Six!

What have you done

with the other one?

I haven't done anything with it.

So, you admit there was one?

- I'm getting out of here.

- Just a minute, Mr Potter.

Where were you last night?

- In bed.

- Any witnesses to corroborate that?

- My landlady.

- Oh... Oh?

She came up with a bottle.

Sounds like a pretty loose-living place

you lodge in.

She always comes up

with a hot-water bottle.

I beg your pardon.

It's just possible

he and the landlady are in collusion.

Don't be disgusting. She's over 60.

All right, you can go, Mr Potter.

Yeah? Well, I should think so, too.

Talk about incompetent!

You're a bunch of idiots, you are.

You ought to be looking

for whatever it was that got Doris.

That's what you ought to do.

And if you're not going to,

well, I will.

So there.

Very suspicious behaviour, Sergeant.

Very suspicious.

Quiet.

- Something the matter with your back?

- I'm thinking.

Oh.

Maybe, Slobotham, we're approaching

this case from the wrong angle.

Angle, sarge. Yes.

Let us for one moment

sift all the facts.

Yes, let's have a sift.

I'm all for a good sift.

Shut up.

All these women who've disappeared -

was it an accident?

Or do we assume foul play?

Foul, Sergeant. Definitely foul.

Right.

Foul.

And if it was foul play,

what clues have we got

to lead us to this conclusion?

Well, there were these

enormous footprints.

Yes, feet.

Then there was a peculiar odour

at the scene of the crime.

Yes, smell.

And then there was that thing

you professed to have seen,

that squashed my hooter.

Something horrible, it was, sarge.

Some...thing

hor...ri...ble.

Anything else to go down?

- That's just about it, sarge.

- Let's look at what we've got.

Foul... feet... smell...

ooh... something horrible!

Maybe we're still approaching this

from the wrong angle, Slobotham.

Now, let us assume

that all these women were abducted

by this unknown thing.

Certainly some thing, Sergeant.

That leaves us

with one course of action.

Now, how would you

set about catching a mouse?

It's a bit bigger than a mouse,

sarge.

Look, I'm not suggesting

that this unknown thing is a mouse!

I'm merely asking you

how you would set about catching one.

Put a bit of cheddar on a trap.

That's it, exactly. You'd set a trap.

But we don't use cheese.

We bait our trap with a woman.

It'd be a bit heavy. When she sat...

I'm not suggesting

we put a woman on the mousetrap.

I wish I'd never mentioned this!

All we do is, we stick a woman

in Hocombe Woods and lie in wait.

And then when the thing comes for her,

we nab him.

That's it - exactly.

At least, I do.

Just you, sarge?

What will I be doing?

Be sensible, Slobotham.

We can't use a real woman.

Something might go wrong.

Yes, I get the point, sarge.

So, instead, we will use someone

who looks as if he is a woman.

What a brilliant idea, sarge! Ho-ho!

Who did you have in mind, then?

Ah, there you are.

I... I... I do beg your pardon, madam.

I thought you were...

I'm expecting...

Is he ready yet?

How about it?

Oh, really, madam...

On some other occasion,

I might be delighted to avail myself.

Is he ready yet?

Sarge?

It's me. Slobotham.

I'm afraid it's the best I could do,

Mr Jones,

but even I have my limitations.

Yes. Still, it's erm...

It's a nice, dark night.

There. What did I tell you?

Oh, really, Mrs Parker,

how could he?

And with a shop girl!

- Hurry up. Get in!

- It's difficult, Sergeant, in this uniform.

What was that?

- I hate to think.

- if it's my upholstery, I'll kill you.

- Oh, good gracious me!

- What was it?

I don't know what they call them,

but they've split.

Get in, darling.

Give us a bunk-up. Ooh!

Don't worry, madam.

There's no wind tonight.

Now, do what I told you. Follow them,

see what they do. See if I'm not right.

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Why must you be so rough?

Naughty Junior.

Don't you understand?

You don't have to strangle them.

One look at your face should be enough.

Oh, dear.

I don't think he's ready

for it yet, dear

He must go out tonight.

Oh, all right. Oddbod, show

him how you do it, once again.

There's a darling.

Mmh!

There, you see?

- Oddbod! Stop it!

- Gently does it.

Oddbod, stop it! Oddbod!

Oh, dear. He's at it again.

Oddbod, drop.

Drop!

Drop, I say! Naughty Bod.

Honestly, it's not natural,

the way he carries on.

Oh, don't be cross.

He's just a bit overexcited.

Yes, he's over-something.

Now, off you go, the both of you.

And remember:
don't come

back empty-handed.

I only hope we're doing the right thing.

I do wish Junior would learn

to use the door! Ooh!

Oh, blast it! Ooh!

Shh! Ladies don't swear.

They would if they had

these corsets on.

Ooh! It didn't half catch me.

Come on, get out.

- I hope there's nobody looking.

- Stop messing about.

Right on the hooter.

Sergeant, don't hit a woman.

- Now, give me your hand.

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